Feeling like you want to escape Christmas?

What are you doing this Christmas? 

Christmas is once again upon us.  Stores were starting to sell Christmas on November 1st already. Yet, it made me sigh and feel like "here we go again" another roller coaster ride.  I have had this feeling since 2011-2012 when my father passed away.  Yet, you try to make it exciting and do what you can for the kids.  Because that is what and who it is really about anyway, right?

So, on Saturday, my sister and her family came over and we put up the christmas tree and made ninja turtle ornaments.  It was a simple activity but the kids loved it.  While Sonja slept, Markus and Tristan went outside and build a snowman.  However, the next day, all the snow was gone and so was there snowman.  It was short lived.  But, it was great for the kids to go outside, feel the cold on their faces and get some fresh air. It also got the kids excited for Christmas.  Admittedly, it put a smile on my face and warmed my heart.  This is what Christmas is about: Family.  Not presents or how many gifts you get. Here are some pictures:

This year, we have decided to go to Myrtle Beach with my in laws, the Grandparents.  Usually, we celebrate Christmas with them before and on the 24th of December, the leave for their vacation every year.  So, we will celebrate Christmas with my sister and her family on December 6th, they will have a sleep over.  We have decided to limit the gifts to three gifts per child.  I have already gone over that for Sonja.  But, there are a lot of cute girl stuff in the stores.  But, I will keep a few for her Birthday in March and then I will not have to do Birthday shopping then.  I think it is a good idea because young children do not need much for Christmas and the amount of gifts you give your kids is not a reflection of how much you love them.  Some kids have huge families and may get more, some families compensate because they have a very small family and so they get more gifts and some families can't afford it at all.  I feel blessed that we can afford it and this year I have compiled a bunch of my kids old toys and I will have my son wrap it and give it to children who need it.  That is my son's gift.  

Seeing as how people are getting excited for Christmas already at the beginning of November, I wonder what are you doing for Christmas and how will you make it special and at the same time not stressful?

5 reasons, why I sometimes feel like a Supermom

 Lately, I have been beating myself up that I am not a good enough parent because I say the wrong things at the wrong time.  I was busy trying to calm Sonja down from a tantrum because she didn't want to come inside after picking Markus up from the bus.  Markus is shouting at me to listen to him about the Terry Fox run.  I am yelling at him to wait until I can hear and thinking about how I have to get him ready for gymnastics class and if he should he eat before or after.  I wonder if I should wait for Tom to get home or just go.  I pretend to listen to Markus as I get a quick snack ready for them.  He yells "mommy, your not listening to me!!!" as he jumps from couch to couch.  Sonja has calmed down and then she follows him with taking all the cushions off the couch and throwing them.  I resort to putting some tv on before we have to go.  Tom is taking too late at work, I decide to go with both of them alone.  Markus refuses to put jogging pants on.  I quickly run upstairs and get shorts and put them in my bad, incase he decides that everyone else is in jogging pants or shorts for gymnastics and he is in jeans.  When I get there, Markus sees everyone else and has I expected, he wants to change into his shorts.  Sonja starts screaming at the top of her lungs because she wants to go in.  There are mats and trampolines and rings to hang on, walking beams, it is a fun place to be and Sonja can't go in.  This is TERRIBLE!!!! So, I don't really watch Markus on his first class.  But, Sonja had her class in the morning, now it is his turn.  But, I can't watch, I have to be far away in another room, trying to distract Sonja from the reason she is really upset: She wants to "play" too.  Then, I find out it is an hour and a half!!!!  That whole time, I should have been waving to Markus through the glass window where the parents sit.  But, instead I am in the bathroom, because I finally got Sonja distracted with the little sink that was made just for kids and she is now busy playing with the water from the tap and soap dispenser.

On top of all that, I came home and my husband and I fought in front of the kids and he shouted that they do not listen because "you are breeding kids that don't listen!!!!" those were his exact words.  Markus went to bed mad at both of us for yelling.  Sonja was agitated and could not sleep all night.

In spite of all of this, I have composed a list of 5 reasons why I am a supermom.  Sometimes, we can be very hard on ourselves.  But, we need to give ourselves a break from our little voices in our head telling us we aren't good enough or that we can do better.  So, here it goes:

1. I checked my son's notebook when he got home from school and he was very excited about the terry fox run, so I showed him videos on youtube of Terry Fox and we talked about the awful disease he had and I talked to him like a grown up.  I got a hug.  He was fed and I remembered his gym shorts because I knew he would change his mind.

2. When I feel mad at my husband or we fight, I hold my tongue and go to read to my kids.  I save my mean words for later when they are in bed. I sometimes compensate for their father's lack of emotional responses to them.  There is a disconnect between him and the kids.  I try not to make excuses for their dad, but I let them know that we both love them in different way.

3. I managed to clean the upstairs today.  I mean really clean with windex and everything and get all the dust out of every corner.  I cleaned a few spider webs in and around the toilet in one of the bathrooms we never use.  I vacuumed kids rooms and my room and office thoroughly.  And, I organized.  All the while, getting Sonja to happily follow me around with her paper towel soaked in windex and wipe the walls and stand on her stool and wipe the sinks, while playing with water.  I then had her clean her toys with a wet rag.  She had fun doing it and now everything looks clean.

4. I remembered to give Markus a hug and kiss this morning before getting on the school bus and I really laughed at his joke, not pretend laughed, but he really was funny and cute.  I try to smile around them as much as I can.  Sometimes, I forget and it feels fake.  But, some days I actually do feel like smiling.  I do have to tell myself that when I pick him up from the bus today to give him a big hug and kiss and not forget.  Geez, I hope Sonja doesn't lose her cool today.

5. Finally, I try to think of fun activities for them to do like playdoh, trampoline, and give them as many opportunities as I can to play with friends. I am also having dinner guests over tomorrow, not because I actually want to, but because I feel it will be good for my kids.  Their kids are a lot older, but that is a good thing and my son had asked to have them over or to go over there.  I try to give my kids every opportunities to meet friends, go to lessons and make decisions in the household.  Most importantly, I don't just love my kids, I really like them and their sense of humours.

It is easy to think about the negative, when you are not getting along with your husband/wife, your kids are not appreciative for what you do and don't care if you give them the moon, and your falling behind in housework, cooking, taking a break for yourself, resume writing or anything for yourself or to better yourself for that matter.  There is always a reason to feel not good enough, but it's trying to tell yourself that it is all ok and it will be okay.  It is trying to talk to yourself the way you want to console or comfort your kids.  Listen to your own words of wisdom that we so often use on our kids but not ourselves.  Yesterday and today have been hard, but I feel like a supermom.

The mistakes I have made as a parent

 When I became a mom, I said I would try not to make the same mistakes that my parents made.  Easier said than done.  I love my parents and they both did the best that they could with what they were given or had at the time that we were children.  Also, they had to learn everything in the first round because my mom had twins.  She had two babies and everything was a shot in the dark for her.  At least, I can correct some of the mistakes I made with my first with my second.  I know better the second time around.

Here is a mommy confession: I feel guilty all the time.  If my son cries because he can't have video games, I feel guilty and I don't always know what to do or how to handle the situation.  My first instinct is to "google" it.  Yet, I can't just say to my son "can you hold that temper tantrum for now.  I just want to google how to handle your behaviour because right now, I just don't know...here play some video games, while I am finding this out".  I can't say that to him.  So, in the moment, I feel I am doing everything wrong.  I yell and I scream.  I calm myself down.  Then, we go for round two.  He yells and screams and throws himself on the floor.  I want to smack him HARD, but I love him soooooo much!!!! I hate seeing my baby (monster) on the ground in turmoil all because I won't let him play video games.

I have compiled a list of 5 mistakes that I have made so far in the middle of a 6 yr old melt down:

1.  Yelling Back.  I get so angry that at first, I am calm and I repeat myself "no, not today...I told you not today".  Then, it gets too much and I start to yell and forget that I am the parent.  In other words, I lose my patience.  I scream at him not to scream, meanwhile I am screaming.  Can you see the hypocrisy?

2. Playing the victim.  I hate to admit this.  Yes my mother did this to me.  When he starts to hit, punch or throw things at me.  I do not know if this is typical 6 yr old behaviour by the way.  I am not an expert and all children are different.  But, I say "why would you hit me" and "do you think i like being hit".  Instead of dealing with the situation and remembering that I am in control.  I have the power to grab him and put him on the stairs and say "you are going in time out for 6 minutes for hitting me".  I did do that today, but I have to remind myself.  It does not come naturally.  When it comes to anger, I have some growing up to do as well.  I do not want to make myself out to be the victim at the hands of a 6 yr old.  Then, he will think that he has the power.  We are not on the same level.  He is learning and I have to help him deal with his emotions in a productive way.  But, if I struggle with this myself and my words come out as "Stooopp!" and "why are you doing this to meeeeee?" then, I have lost all credibility and respect and a 6 yr old will not feel safe and secure with me.  Luckily, it has not happened often and when it does, I quickly change it around.

3. Not being consistent. Sometimes, I tell him that if he cleans his room, we can go out for ice cream.  Well, he may clean his room, but then I have forgotten that I have said that.  He will remind me, but I am busy doing something.  So, I say later.  We end up going that day, but I should be more concise.  Yesterday, I told him no video games today for his behaviour when going to bed.  He got 10 minutes of video games today.  I have to use shorter phrases, repetition and be clear and concise when talking to a 6 yr old and making plans or following through with a punishment.

4. Comparing.  If I want him to ride a two wheeler or do some reading or math etc, I say that his friend can do it.  Or,  if his sister is listening, I tell him to look at Sonja.  But, he is a different person.  I have to deal with him as an individual and all his wonderful and unique qualities.  He is not his friend or his cousin or sister.  He is wonderful and he will find out where his interests lie soon enough.  I need to give him room to grow into himself.  I did to give him room to flourish.  So what if he doesn't ride a two wheeler at age 6.  So what if he can't swim yet.  So what if he doesn't like math.  He is where he should be for his age.  He has not had any problems in school, there is no need for me to worry that he will be behind.  He is not behind and he is not ahead, but he is perfect right in the middle for his age.  I have to remember that.  He is not me, he is a different person than I am or was.  He is an amazing and beautiful, sensitive boy.

5. Spanking. I said I don't believe in spanking.  In the heat of the moment, I have spanked, even when he did not deserve it.  I know it hurts his feelings.  When I rough house with him, I can hit harder than when I spank and he has a smile on his face and my husband and I and our daughter are all on the floor wresting.  Yet, when I spank him lightly but yell at the same time not to do something, he cries.  I just hurt his feelings and by spanking, I made him feel like less of a person.  I have not done this often.  There is no reason to suggest that he is afraid of me.  I have spanked, when I have lost it twice this year and it was the only two times in his life.  Did it solve anything? not really.  I apologized and vowed to try to never do it again.  I want to be a good role model for him.

With trying to be a good role model for my children, I am realizing for the first time the demons in my closet and the mistakes that were made with my sister and I.  I hope that by listing them, I will be aware of it for the next time, that I can properly cope with the situation at hand in a mature, loving and yet assertive way.  I love my children, they are the best parts of my husband and myself.  I want to nurture their being and have them thrive in school and in life.  I want to create a relationship where they can come to me and we can openly just....talk.

7 reasons why being an identical twin is awesome!

 I have not always appreciated being an identical twin.  My sister and I have had our jealousies and major fights.  The fights could get aggressive as children.  As adults, we feel things that come out of each other very deeply and may not talk for months.  The relationship is, as I am sure everyone has heard and it is the same between any siblings, but it is one of love and hate.  However, with the twin relationship, the love and hate can be on either extreme.  We become sensitive, very sensitive to what the other says.  Someone else could say the same thing and I would take it better. Whereas coming from my twin could result in a full blown out fight.  We almost know each other's in's and out's.  We know what words to use that can poke at the other and we use these words to our advantage to get the other person upset.

Although, the relationship can be rocky, to say the least.  And, at times, I wonder what it would have been like had I have been born a singleton: Would I have been a better student?  Would I have been less anxious? Would I have been easier to get along with? Less competitive? More diplomatic? More easy going? More understanding if other's don't always "get" me (the way my sister does)? Talk less? lonelier? happier? more successful? less doubtful? more assertive? more prepared for obstacles that may come my way because I would have only me to rely on?

Overall, I could be "more" all those things or I could be "less".  Truthfully, I will never know and I am glad I am a twin, not just a twin but an identical one.  The stories I can tell are endless.  For example, when I was in Japan and someone on the train thought I was my sister Yoshe.  Yoshe went to university with her and of all the places to meet! We met in Japan!!!!

I spent some time at night before bed, especially if I am angry at Yoshe on how I wish I was a singleton.  Yet, in my heart, I love being a twin, it is what makes me special, it is how I identify with the world I live in.  It does not define all of me, but it is a lot of who I am. I have compiled a list of 7 reasons why being an identical twin is awesome.

1. Don't have to go it alone. In any major event in life, such as starting kindergarten.  I did not have to do it alone.  If I was nervous, it helped knowing that she was as well and we would be there to support each other.  My son Markus starts grade one in a week and my nephew Tristan starts kindergarten as well.  Different schools.  I am nervous.  My son is not, but he has no choice but to do it and I don't know if he has felt it.  He is not really a shy kid.  But, I look at him and think I could not imagine going on a bus for the first time by myself.  There is more: dance recitals, piano lessons, high school, dating for the first time.  We were never far behind one another and we were there to support one another and we did not go it alone.  There were jealousies such as when I started dating before her and then she wanted a boyfriend as well.  But, when she did get into a relationship she knew what to expect.  She went to teacher's college before I did, but when I did go, I knew I could ask her for help and she helped me to prepare. I had children before her.  This influenced her decision to have children and she got all the hand me downs and baby books from me and knew she was not alone.

2. I met my husband through my twin.  Yoshe got married at the age of 22.  She met him in university.  They both studied fine arts.  Yoshe got accepted on the jet program, teaching English in Japan.  But, she could only bring a spouse along.  She and Roger had only been dating for 4 months.  My sister had a choice, give up her relationship and go to Japan for 2 yrs or get married and bring him with her.  So, she asked him to marry her after 4 months and said to him that if it doesn't work out, they can always get divorced or get an annulment.  That was 14 yrs ago and they are happily married still.  I on the other hand had difficulty meeting the right person.  I was in a series of bad relationships.  Yoshe came to me at the age of 27 and told me about Roger's friend Tom.  They went to high school together.  We just came back from Germany, the two of us and Tom had just come back from Poland and bought my sister and I some amber necklaces.  Out of all Roger's friends, she liked Tom the most and set us up on a date.  Roger, her husband was against it the whole time.  He did not want it to break up and then they would be blamed for the bad relationship.  Also, Tom had a history of not being the best guy to be in a relationship with.  Tom and I, quickly moved in together.  We got pregnant and I asked Tom to marry me over the phone one day, while I was at work.  He said yes and we were married a month later.  Now, it has been 6 yrs and we have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old.  Thanks to my sister who knows me best and found my other half (she still does get blamed if we have a fight).

3. Our children are closer then regular cousins.  My children are both blond and blue eyes.  Her children are both dark skinned, dark curly hair and brown eyes.  She has a boy, 3 and a girl, 3 months.  Her kids are three years apart and so are mine.  We both have the boy first and then the girl.  Our kids fight like siblings and love like siblings.  We see each other every week end.  We went to Jamaica together for a family reunion together and our rooms were adjacent to each other.  The kids were always between rooms so that they could be together.  They play very well together.  People ask me, if I would like more.  The answer is that between the two of us, we have four children.  I feel like her children are mine and she feels like my children are hers.  She scolds my children and I can scold hers if they act inappropriately.  We take turns with babysitting.  We also have my husbands parents.  But, if my sister and I both want to see the same musical playing.  We may pick nights where she can see it first and I babysit and then the next night, we see it and she babysits.  Then, we can both talk about it later because we have seen the same show and experienced in different ways.  We like to talk about it.  Our kids love being together.  The newest member of the family was so exciting for all of them.  They are technically like half siblings.  One day if they ever need a kidney, they can turn to each other.  If anything happens to one of us, I hope they will experience the loss together like brothers and sisters and remain close.  For now, they fight but they also love seeing each other.

4. Experiencing loss. When our father was hit tragically by a car and taken to ICU, for the months that he was alive, Yoshe and I communicated every day.  I went to visit him more because I did not work and Yoshe did.  When he did pass away, we had it written on his grave stone: you will be forever missed by your twins.  We went through the pictures in his apartment together.  We found one picture that stood out.  It was a picture of when we were first born.  He was holding both of us in his arms and he wore a blue t-shirt that said in bold white print: father of twins!!!!
We could share the same stories.  Although, our experiences of our dad are different, because we are different people, we still remember him the same way.  Most of our memories of him are together.  He took us on long nature walks together.  He read to us at night time together, he helped us with school work together.  I know a lot of parents to the same thing for their kids, but it is one at a time because one goes first and then a few years later with the other.  But, Yoshe and I would sit at the table together, getting the same help, doing the same homework.  So, when we experienced his loss, we could relate to each other and our stories matched up.  As early adults, I have different stories, such as I went to visit him in England without my sister.  I was 21 and it was the first time, I got to know my dad with Yoshe.  I loved that as well. Yet, in times of grieve, my sister and I had each other and we talked about the animals we had and the things he taught us, together...

5. In Sickness. The worst thing I ever felt was the day Yoshe called me to tell me she had basal cell carcinoma.  It is a skin cancer.  When anyone hears the word cancer, a huge ball tightens in your throat and your tummy gets all knotted up.  It is one of the worst feelings.  The fear is sooooo real.  Immediately, I thought, this can't be happening.  I wondered how do I help her.  I wanted to go to all her appointments with her and I wanted to be there ever second.  I think I felt more scared then she did.  She did not want me to go with her.  She wanted her husband.  She may have been afraid that I would have taken over and felt it as if it was me who had it.  Instead, she used me to babysit her children.  After every surgery, her husband and her went to, they came back to my house or called me to theirs and I would care for the kids, cook dinner, make sure things are quiet and calm around her.  I would let her sleep.  At one point, as she had a wet towel over her scars and blood stained into to cloth, I took pictures and joked that I was supporting her by taking pictures of her swelling and I will put them on facebook because she looks like an alien from another planet.  She tried not to laugh and with her entire swollen face she mumbled "it hurts when you make me laugh, doooonnn't".  Of course, I did not put it on facebook, I just wanted to lighten the mood.
Now, at that time, it wasn't all roses.  She was jealous of me and thought: why is this happening to me and not her.  That was hard for me.  I had guilt because if I could have taken her pain away, I would have.  She was jealous of me and that was hard.  I became the caregiver (it is in my nature).  However, I thought about my life for the first time without her. The thought alone was unbearable.  We may get jealous but truthfully, we need each other just like plants need water to grow, we need each other for our souls to be healthy and happy.

6. Jealousy. Oh My GOD!!!! I can go on about jealousy!!! The pain of jealousy is felt to the extreme in a twinship.  There is an expectation, that one wants what the other has, how will each twin be perceived by others and if one twin has something that the other does not have, does that make any one twin better?  The down side of never "going it alone", is that as children, there are a bunch of "firsts" that are experienced together for twins.  Growing up, parents need to buy two sets of everything.  Two car seats, two back to school packages, two outfits in the SAME colour to avoid any fighting.  Both get dance lessons, piano lessons, acting lessons (as was the case in my home).  Two toys the exact same (don't want any fighting).  But, these are the things parents can control.  As the twins grow, they can't control who is asked to the school dance and who isn't, who goes on to further their education right after high school and who doesn't.  This also has to do with parenting.  Parents of twins need to spend time with each twin individually and perhaps give them different lessons or the same lessons at different times depending on interests.  My sister and I have the exact same interests.  We both are artistic and creative and hate math!
However, with twins raised the exact same, by time early adulthood hits, jealousy may strike and they may compare lives, even though they are on a different path.  They may compare in terms of which is better. For example, I was jealous when she went to teacher's college before I did.  We applied at the same time, she was accepted and I was not. I was jealous when she married before I did.  I had Roger's mother constantly pat my arm at her wedding telling me how one day I too will find someone.  I felt more pity for myself knowing that other's felt pity for me at her wedding!!! Ridiculous, I know! She was jealous when I had a child first.  She left to Vancouver for a year and was not there for the birth of my first born.  I was mad and I did not even get a phone call.  She has been jealous that my husband has a job where I can stay home with my children and she does not.  She compares and tries to put me down to make herself feel better.
Overall, in friend relationships or regular siblings, once this emotion is felt, they may not talk to each other for ages or ever!  In a twinship, although there is pain, there is also a lot more understanding and there is trust, the utmost trust that someway or somehow, the relationship can be mended again.  It is like a marriage.  At one point, my sister wanted to go to counselling with me to work on the relationship.  We never went, it kind of worked itself out on it's own.  We had a choice and we love each other.  Our husbands feel they are in a marriage with two people, my sister and I.  So, it can be difficult sometimes for our husbands to understand.

7. Forgiveness. All siblings fight.  Yet, in a twinship the fighting can be extreme.  You either love each other or hate each other.  You may even spend time complaining to your spouse or partner about your twin.  Your spouse's may not get it. When all is said and done, I still always find my way back to my twin.  We may love and hate like no other, and with that being said, we also forgive like no other.  When I am happy with my twin, talking, telling jokes, laughing, getting loud, I feel uplifted, my spirits are high.  I wonder if other people talk to way we do or if we are lucky.  I don't have to pretend or be on my best behaviour with her.  She is not a guest in my home, she can come and go and help herself when she needs.  I am not ashamed if the house is a mess and she comes over. I do not have to apologize for my thoughts, words or actions if it is a bit eccentric or "out there".  If I speak out of anger of political issues and start to go on an offensive rant, I can only do that with her and she will understand where it is coming from and know that I do not mean every word, I speak out of haste and anger.  My husband doesn't even get that.  I may feel embarrassed later for my vengeful words or rants over worldly issues, politics and government, but that's okay, my sister knows me.  That is a great feeling.  We forgive, not always do we forget.  We may bring up a hurtful event later if it suits our purpose or can make us "more" right in a discussion.  The communication will always be there and that is a given.

The key words to describe my twinship or the "unbreakable bond" would be laughter, turbulent, security, stability, friendship, comfort and belonging. These are all words that would be used to describe a marriage.  However, with all the frustrations that come along with being a twin, I can't see it any other way.  Of course, I am aware that we will part through death and one of us will go before the other.  That is a whole new topic and thankfully, it is not my story yet.  That also goes for everyone.  I will alway be a twin, even in death, it is largely who I am and has affected the way I think and they will be the main topic in the stories we tell our children when it comes to passing the stories down for future generations.  And that is...well, it is...simply awesome!!!

Estranged twins

I am feeling like an estranged twin.  I am an identical twin, but we are not close.  I don't really know when it started in our adult life, but it is gradually getting worse in our 30's.  When I think about our childhood, I think it was very complicated back then as well.  I always felt jealous of her because she seemed to be our parents favourite.  She seemed to be more sensitive than I am, she cried a lot.  I was very sensitive as well, but I hid my feelings more.  We were both bullied in school and making friends was never easy for either one of us.  I have always had troubled relationships with female friends.  Looking back, I don't know what she felt, I do know she was bullied as well and we had friends that sometimes said to me "I like you better than your sister".  I know I used to come home from school in grade 5, go to my room and cry.  I don't remember her crying but she always cried to mom about feeling lonely etc.  My earliest memory in our childhood is when our parents labeled her "the good twin" and me "the bad twin".  I lived up to that expectation.  In high school, I fought with my mother all the time. I went out with friends (superficial friends) often.  These friends would frequently change every year.

My sister would never let me borrow her clothes, she had a very bad and big temper.  She often took my clothes without asking and I did not put up a fight because I knew mom would get involved and tell me how horrible I was being and shoot me "the look", the one that could kill, if she was superman (the laser eyes). But, if I took her clothes...she would throw a fight and mom would get involved and make me change.  I was the one who caused problems because when she fought, she fought loud and hard.  I hated confrontation, so when I fought, I could be loud but I would back off and decide this is not worth the fight because I would have both her and mom against me and I would never win that battle.

Years later, at age 35,  I feel like I have lost my identity.  I don't know who I am, if I am not a stay at home mom, mother of two and an identical twin.  Everyone I meet, the first thing I am sure to tell them is that I am an identical twin.  But, we are not close.  I have tried to be but over time, it is killing me inside.  I am losing sleep thinking about what went wrong and trying to pinpoint where it started.  The root cause: jealousy.  From where it started, I don't know.

I was jealous when she married before me.  She was jealous when I had a child before her, so jealous in fact that she went to Vancouver and was not there for the first year of my son's life.  When I went to visit her in Vancouver when my son was 2 months old, I got sick and she got angry because I was lying sick on her couch and if our son woke at night, she complained instead of trying to help and taking him for a while from me so I could sleep.

After a year of fertility treatments, she finally had her son.  I rushed to see him in the hospital.  It was a happy day.  But over time, I don't know what happened.  Our dad died from being hit by a car and our mom came from Germany around the time I had my daughter.  My sister yelled at mom, the day my daughter came home from the hospital, that mom had to leave and spend time with her son alone to prove she loves him just as much as her son.  Mom left, three weeks after dad's death and me tired from just giving birth, mom left.  I suggested we be together, my sister yelled all the more. To this day, my sister, will not apologize and she said, I should have seen how much sleep she needed and mom saw that.  To me, it doesn't matter, we wanted to come over to her house as well and she could have slept then as well but she refused and wanted us divided.

Now, my daughters second birthday is coming up and I offered to take him to the aquarium with us and give her a day of rest.  She said no because it is too crowded, three kids will be too much for me, she will not allow her son in a car with me either.  I am not able to spend time with my nephew alone.  I offer when she complains that her life is tiring and too busy, as she is a teacher.  I also offered to take her dog, as she worries that her dog is getting depressed with her having her second child now and her not having the time to walk him.  She said on the phone, maybe but I know the answer is no.  She posted the problem she is having with her dog on facebook.  A friend of hers replied with some advice.  She responded back with how difficult it was too take that advice because of her and her husband's work schedule, but she never mentioned that I had offered to take the dog because I have the time as a stay at home mom to walk her.  I offered for a week.  She didn't decline, but for her not saying anything is declining.

She also told me that in highschool, she had asked mom to go to separate high schools as she didn't want to see me every day.  Mom has no recollection of this and says it is not an issue, it never was.  I know my sister said this on the cuff to hurt me.  She knows how to hurt me like no one else.

I get hurt every time we are together, I feel as if I am the one trying to make the effort to keep the relationship going.  When she had skin cancer, I offered as a gift to take her to a spa and let the husband's take care of the kids, but as a teacher and having skin cancer, she needed to relax more.  My sister said she hates people who go to spas and it is such a girly thing to do.  That was 2 yrs ago.  Since our kids,  which was 5 yrs ago, I have not spent any time alone with my sister.  She is very dependant on her husband because she does not drive, but she will not get into a car with me.  My husband taught me to drive when we first met, as our parents never encouraged driving because it was too dangerous.  Now, I drive with confidence.  She refuses to come over without her husband because she needs him as a ride and doesn't want to be stuck at our place and she will not get in a car with me.

This story is very painful for me to talk about, even to my husband as he does not understand.  I do not feel like I fit in with his family, they are an exclusive bunch, very polish.  It is not their faults, they are from a different generation and they escaped a communist country.  I do not have much to say to his parents, I speak through my husband to them and it is only in regards to the kids.  They are friendly to me, they are nice, but have never showed me real warmth and have always felt like very nice strangers to me.

Being a twin, it is hard to find other twins who are estranged and feel like a part of themselves is missing.  I have searched the internet and I have found organizations such as twinless twins, but not really in Canada and then organizations for parents of twins and/or triplets.  This is not me either.  I have a hard time finding where I fit and finding a connection to other people.  These feelings I can not so easily tell my husband.  My mother and I do not talk like that, so I guess writing my feelings down is helpful for now.

I do not know how she feels, I can imagine there is a part of her that HATES me.  Partially because she sees me as always having more friends than her, having kids before her and for not getting cancer and being healthier than her.  From that stand point, I do not understand and cannot understand where she is coming from, I can only imagine it must be scary for her to always have fear health wise that something bad will happen, especially after what happened with our dad and he wasn't even 65.

We are growing more distant as our kids get older and as time moves forward.  It gets harder for me as time passes and I miss her...and I hate her...and I miss her...and i want that close relationship again...if we ever REALLY had it?

I hate to think that one day, we may not even talk as little as we already do.  We may see each other once a month and only for the kids sake and reluctantly.  It seems that I am pushing for something that she doesn't want.  My husband sees it and tells me to let her be, to not call her because at this point, I am just being annoying to her.  He thinks it is easy.  I have always lived in her shadow, walking on the edge of how she feels.  My husband will just yell at me and say: "SHE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT GO? STOP CALLING! SHE WILL ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES OF WHY SOMETHING ISN'T POSSIBLE! STOP OFFERING TO HELP HER OUT! SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP! SHE WOULD NOT HELP US OUT EITHER!" There is truth to what my husband speaks.  But, he doesn't understand the twinship relationship. I miss her and feel lost in knowing who I am, if not a twin.  Who am I?

Why I think big kids birthday parties are ridiculous!

My daughter's second birthday is on March 1st.  The second birthday parents can get away without really having one because she will forget anyway.  My son doesn't remember his second birthday.  I am glad, because for his second I invited one family and had just my family.  My friend was pregnant at the time with her third and could not make it, she was so sick.  My mom misses all these events because she lives in Germany and my dad was there, but my husbands family does not like mine.  So, it was in my in laws back yard because we lived in an apartment at the time.  My father in law sat under a tree by himself.  My mother in law and sister in law decided to go shopping.  It was just my dad, my pregnant sister and her husband talking to each other and my son played around by himself with all his presents.  He had a good time and it was just me that was mad.

I have decided for my daughters second to go to the Aquarium and look at the fishes and my son may get more out of it than her.  After that, we may do dinner with my sister and her family and my husbands parents.

This gets me thinking about my son's 6th birthday in August.  I am worried he may ask for a party.  I think kids birthdays with big bouncy castles, slides, magicians can be over the top and ridiculous.  Here is a list of why I find big kids birthday parties ridiculous:

1.  Who to invite? Some parents have lots of friends and they invite everyone they know.  But, some parents don't have that many friends and can only invite two or three couple friends, but if the birthday is in August, many people go away, especially during the long week end.  If he wants to invite kids from his class, moms have to start making friends before the end of school, but not everyone will RSVP.  It is too risky to invite the class and a big headache for mom.

2. By 6, the child may have been to a few birthday parties already and if he sees the bouncy castle, or people going to legoland etc, which can be pretty expensive, he will expect the same.  Then he wants to have a big birthday party with bouncy castle and lots of presents etc, not realizing that mom may not know that many people or have the finances to support such an event that they will forget in a few years anyway.  Really, who is the party about? mom? or child?  It creates a false set of expectations.

3. While it is great to celebrate your child's birthday, I wouldn't go overboard because what are you trying to teach your child? I don't want my child to feel a sense of entitlement and I know this is why we are living in the "me" generation.  Parents want to keep their kids entertained and happy.  But, in fact by big and extravagant birthdays, it may do the opposite of what is intended.  My son once went to a birthday, where there was a magician, face painting, it was like a circus and the birthday boy spent most of his time alone in his room.  He was actually more of an introvert.  All the parties of his mom's we went to after that, this boy would be the first to go to bed and hide away from the crowd.  The party was more about what mom can do.  But she was a fabulous hostess.

It is important to teach your child, that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people may be busy.  It is good to teach your child that a birthday is about him and it is ok to spend it with just the family and it is ok not to get a lot of presents and it is still nice to make a day out of it where the child feels special, even if that means not a big party.  I mean a child's self worth comes from within and not how many people can attend your party. It teaches your kid not to rely on other people so much for happiness.  Of course, if I have a party for my child it will be the closest people to me and very small and intimate.  All one needs is close friends and a birthday cake and a few presents.

4. Wanting what other kids have.  How do you explain that it is okay to be different from what others do?  Not everyone has the same number of family and friends support or economic situations.  We are all different and unique.  So, let's try not to want what others have.  Thanks to the other moms that invited me to their kids parties and can do what I can not and now I have to explain this to my son.  I am just joking in a way, I look at every situation as a teaching moment.

5. Kids can be mean.  If parents invite the whole class or every kid that has ever invited your kid, then there may be a lot of people and some can be mean to the others.  At my son's 4th birthday, we had 15 kids and one child we did not know well told my son that lego was boring and he did not like any of my son's toys.  This kid had tons of toys and he started talking about all the cool stuff he had that my son didn't and my son felt bad.  We have not really seen that family since.  our children do not get a long that well.  I just wanted to live up to the expectations that I put on myself because other moms had cool parties for their kids.  I learned my lesson and will not do that again.

Kids birthdays are about the child. As long as you do something special with your kids and maybe have one or two friends, then your child will be happy.  For my son's fifth, we had a family birthday, with his one other cousin and the next day, we invited one of his friends to go with us to lego land.  he had a fun time.  When I told him we were not having a party for him, he was disappointed, but when I said he could choose a friend to go to lego land, he was very excited.

I just want parents and myself to know that it is okay if you don't have an abundance of friends.  Most people have one or two really good friends and that is all you need.  It is okay to not spend too much money on an over the top birthday party for your kids if you don't have the money or if you don't want to, your kids will forgive you and thank you.  It is okay not to buy too many presents for your kids, most of them will get broken in the first week anyway, so by not inviting the whole class, mom doesn't have so many gifts that the kids don't know what to do with. It is okay if your kid feels sad, bored or disappointed, it is a part of life, but hopefully, they have a good day on their birthday what ever you decide to do.

Also, a birthday party to involves less people is easier on mom and kid still feels loved and it teaches your child about close friendships and that it is okay to not rely on other people so much for happiness, you can still have a great birthday party, even if no one comes because it is about the child.  That is life. So many kids spend birthdays in sick kids hospital or without food or any kind of celebration.  Thank your lucky stars for what your parents can give you, kid!

How to get your kids out the door in a timely manner

It's winter! And I hate leaving the house because I have a 5 yr old and an almost 2 yr old.  Getting all their snow gear on is like trying out for the mommy olympics.  They get distracted.  My son might get one shoe on and then start playing with batman and making swooshing sounds.  It is not until I stomp my foot and clap in his face, yelling "C'mon, Let's go, Shoes now!".  After every article of clothing, he stops to play with a toy or run around the living room and I have to bring him back to focus with a clap.  It takes about half an hour just to get all of their stuff on.  I dread leaving the house with them in the winter!

Here is what I have decided to do for next time we have to get out the door for skating lessons or swimming lessons or for school:

1. Have them go to the washroom before getting their snowsuits on.  It never fails.  The minute I have on their snowsuits, one of them will yell "PEEEEEE!"  Robert Munsch sure knew what he was writing about in the story "I have to go PEEE".  Every mother feels as though that book was written about their life with small children.

2. I start the getting ready process half an hour before we have to be out the door.  Instead of clapping and getting anxious.  I wait patiently now and ask calmly "I see you one have one shoe, where is the other?"

3. I give a lot of encouragement: "Oh, good, you have your snow pants on now.  Do you think you can get your jacket on as well and do you need help zipping it or can you show me how you zip your jacket?"  I learned that from Sesame Street.

4. When my son or daughter put on two different shoes, not paying attention to what is going on, I have time to say "does that look right to you?" If they get caught up in the joke and can't get out of it to get ready and they do more silly stuff.  I open the door and stand outside and say in a firm voice "I am waiting and it is cold".

Often times, I have to still help my 2 yr old, but she is getting it and she watches her brother.  I try to make it fun, even though I am thinking I am raising monsters.

Good luck, getting out the door.  Can't wait until summer.

Being an Identical twin

Recently, my twin sister decided to take time away from me and we had not spoken on the phone for a week, until today.  A week is a very very very long time for us to go without talking.  She is my other half.  It started with an insensitive comment my husband made and he implied that she changes her mind often.  Normally, such a comment would have never warranted such a dramatic and hyper sensitive response.  But, in keeping an open mind, she is pregnant.  Yet, all my childhood memories came flooding back of when she would scream and get louder in order to get what she wanted, came back to me.  It is learned behaviour.  Our mom, I felt did favour her because she was always more sick than I was and she cried more often.  I learned to cover my feelings, be softer and less vocal because than I would be looked at as the "bad" twin.

The argument became about her and I, when she wanted my support in yelling at my husband.  We parted on Christmas day on a bitter note.  The next day, her facebook page was flooded with articles on the "twinship relationship" that she had posted.  This angered me some.  However, I did my own research and I found there is very little information on twins.  She was so hurt that she threatened to take her son away from me and not see me for a while.  I brought up issues that I was still hurt about, for example demanding that our mom spend time with her son alone, the day I cam home from the hospital with my daughter.  You would think there would be a big welcome home sign and lots of family.  But there was none.  Dad had died three weeks before.  Mom was on a short visit from Germany.  She was there for the birth.  But, at home, my sister skyped and refused to spend time with us and made her demands on mom.  Mom left and we were alone.  Me in my grief over dad and Tom to take care of the children.  We ended up driving to his parents home in another city.  Well, a lot of jealousies came fourth.

After many emails back and fourth, I wrote her that when she wants to call, I am here.  She did call, as if nothing happened.  Her voice was happy and she had just had a doctors appointment and was going with her husband to buy a mattress.  I was glad to hear her voice, but also angry that this past week, I felt I was on the receiving end of her wrath and I was crying and freaking out that we may become estranged twins.

After this episode, I have decided that I am interested in how the twin relationship works for other twins and there is still little information out there.  I have read a lot of personal stories from twins that I found on google that became estranged twins in adulthood.  This is a scary thought and it is difficult to make that decision.  I mean from birth, we shared everything, looks, toys, the womb, clothes, even boyfriends when we got older.  I didn't want to be a stranger!!!!! I can't imagine my life without her, although, she is the one person that can make me see red, like I have never seen red before.  I lose it!!! She is also the one person, I can't not talk to everyday and talk about personal stuff like our husbands, our children and people we love and that have wronged us (in laws).  We have a lot of those stories.

As we get older, it is difficult to fight the way we did as children.  We do not have our parents or a house to hold us together anymore.  The relationship could falter and we could walk away.  We have our separate lives now.  She is married with a child and one on the way.  I am married with two children.  But, we are bonded together by looks, history and husbands (I was introduced to my husband through my sister.  Her husband went to highschool with mine and they were good friends).

There is no pain greater and no joy greater than being a twin.

New Years Resolutions

Every year I make New Years Resolutions.  And, every year I break them.  This year, I have composed a list of resolutions and my goal is to stick to at least not breaking three of them.

1. Lose 10 Lbs.  I know this is a common one.  I am sure it will be number one on a lot of people's list because of all the chocolate and binging and drinking done over the holidays.  But, I would feel better physically and emotionally if I lost some weight.  Sometimes running after a toddler is not enough.

2. Spend less time on facebook.  I post a lot of pictures of my kids.  Every day I post something.  Whether it is them reading on the couch, modelling a new outfit or eating snow, I post it.  People don't care about my pictures.  I also don't want to reveal too much on facebook. I find facebook is a way to connect people.  But that connection is only on the surface.  There is nothing real there.  Sure it makes me feel good when a picture gets a few likes.  However, I want to spend more time interacting with my kids than showing people what a great mom I am by posting all these happy photos.  Meanwhile, it is not always happy in our household.

3. Stop yelling.  I get frustrated very easily and my voice gets louder.  I want to try to keep control of my emotions.  Try to remain in control when my 5 yr old is pushing my buttons.  When I am angry with my husband, walk away and come back to the conversation at a better suited time. I have to work on my anger and how I react to things.  I know this also is because I am an anxious person.  I will try to think before I speak.

4. Hug my kids often and listen.  Really really listen...in the moment.  Being completely with them.  My kids are my world.  My life.  They are the air I breath.  They make me laugh by the funny things they say and do.  They make me cry when they are so amazingly sweet and tell me they love me and when they just won't listen...those moments are the moments books are made off.  Every story has a problem.  So does ours.  It is how we handle it that makes the story so great or not so great.  I think I can keep this New Years Resolution!

Finally 5. Relax and take time for myself.  I often expect my husband to give me time and voluntarily take the kids so I can take a bath or what not.  However, when he doesn't, I get frustrated.  I think in my head I need a break, I need to calm down, I need to take a bath.  Yet, I do not say this to my husband.  I am thinking this while loading the dishwasher, cleaning the living rook, my kids faces, the mess from dinner on the table, sweeping the floors, getting garbage ready for garbage pick up.  Meanwhile, my husband is reading with Markus or playing video games.  One hour turns into two hours, and I am still doing stuff.  Two hours turns into three and then I look like the bad cop because I put the breaks on daddy and me time, so that we can get them into a bath and ready for bed at a decent time.  By 10pm, kids are sleeping and I never got my bath and I have to make Markus's lunch for school the next day.  I am feeling frustrated with my husband.  Then I am exhausted and I go to bed just to do the same things over again the next day.  So...ask my husband to watch the kids.  Stop thinking about cleaning and get some ME time, so that I feel nicer in an hour or two.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year.  It is a chance to start fresh and hopefully build new relationships and build bridges with old ones and put bad feelings aside.  I am speaking from experience, my twin sister has threatened to cut all ties with me.  I am grieving and trying to prevent that from happening.  That is another story.  One that will wait because I am too upset to write about it and it is fresh.  It makes me cry to think of a life without my twin!!!! Hopefully, we can find our way back to one another.

What are some of your New Years Resolutions?