I am feeling like an estranged twin. I am an identical twin, but we are not close. I don't really know when it started in our adult life, but it is gradually getting worse in our 30's. When I think about our childhood, I think it was very complicated back then as well. I always felt jealous of her because she seemed to be our parents favourite. She seemed to be more sensitive than I am, she cried a lot. I was very sensitive as well, but I hid my feelings more. We were both bullied in school and making friends was never easy for either one of us. I have always had troubled relationships with female friends. Looking back, I don't know what she felt, I do know she was bullied as well and we had friends that sometimes said to me "I like you better than your sister". I know I used to come home from school in grade 5, go to my room and cry. I don't remember her crying but she always cried to mom about feeling lonely etc. My earliest memory in our childhood is when our parents labeled her "the good twin" and me "the bad twin". I lived up to that expectation. In high school, I fought with my mother all the time. I went out with friends (superficial friends) often. These friends would frequently change every year.
My sister would never let me borrow her clothes, she had a very bad and big temper. She often took my clothes without asking and I did not put up a fight because I knew mom would get involved and tell me how horrible I was being and shoot me "the look", the one that could kill, if she was superman (the laser eyes). But, if I took her clothes...she would throw a fight and mom would get involved and make me change. I was the one who caused problems because when she fought, she fought loud and hard. I hated confrontation, so when I fought, I could be loud but I would back off and decide this is not worth the fight because I would have both her and mom against me and I would never win that battle.
Years later, at age 35, I feel like I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am, if I am not a stay at home mom, mother of two and an identical twin. Everyone I meet, the first thing I am sure to tell them is that I am an identical twin. But, we are not close. I have tried to be but over time, it is killing me inside. I am losing sleep thinking about what went wrong and trying to pinpoint where it started. The root cause: jealousy. From where it started, I don't know.
I was jealous when she married before me. She was jealous when I had a child before her, so jealous in fact that she went to Vancouver and was not there for the first year of my son's life. When I went to visit her in Vancouver when my son was 2 months old, I got sick and she got angry because I was lying sick on her couch and if our son woke at night, she complained instead of trying to help and taking him for a while from me so I could sleep.
After a year of fertility treatments, she finally had her son. I rushed to see him in the hospital. It was a happy day. But over time, I don't know what happened. Our dad died from being hit by a car and our mom came from Germany around the time I had my daughter. My sister yelled at mom, the day my daughter came home from the hospital, that mom had to leave and spend time with her son alone to prove she loves him just as much as her son. Mom left, three weeks after dad's death and me tired from just giving birth, mom left. I suggested we be together, my sister yelled all the more. To this day, my sister, will not apologize and she said, I should have seen how much sleep she needed and mom saw that. To me, it doesn't matter, we wanted to come over to her house as well and she could have slept then as well but she refused and wanted us divided.
Now, my daughters second birthday is coming up and I offered to take him to the aquarium with us and give her a day of rest. She said no because it is too crowded, three kids will be too much for me, she will not allow her son in a car with me either. I am not able to spend time with my nephew alone. I offer when she complains that her life is tiring and too busy, as she is a teacher. I also offered to take her dog, as she worries that her dog is getting depressed with her having her second child now and her not having the time to walk him. She said on the phone, maybe but I know the answer is no. She posted the problem she is having with her dog on facebook. A friend of hers replied with some advice. She responded back with how difficult it was too take that advice because of her and her husband's work schedule, but she never mentioned that I had offered to take the dog because I have the time as a stay at home mom to walk her. I offered for a week. She didn't decline, but for her not saying anything is declining.
She also told me that in highschool, she had asked mom to go to separate high schools as she didn't want to see me every day. Mom has no recollection of this and says it is not an issue, it never was. I know my sister said this on the cuff to hurt me. She knows how to hurt me like no one else.
I get hurt every time we are together, I feel as if I am the one trying to make the effort to keep the relationship going. When she had skin cancer, I offered as a gift to take her to a spa and let the husband's take care of the kids, but as a teacher and having skin cancer, she needed to relax more. My sister said she hates people who go to spas and it is such a girly thing to do. That was 2 yrs ago. Since our kids, which was 5 yrs ago, I have not spent any time alone with my sister. She is very dependant on her husband because she does not drive, but she will not get into a car with me. My husband taught me to drive when we first met, as our parents never encouraged driving because it was too dangerous. Now, I drive with confidence. She refuses to come over without her husband because she needs him as a ride and doesn't want to be stuck at our place and she will not get in a car with me.
This story is very painful for me to talk about, even to my husband as he does not understand. I do not feel like I fit in with his family, they are an exclusive bunch, very polish. It is not their faults, they are from a different generation and they escaped a communist country. I do not have much to say to his parents, I speak through my husband to them and it is only in regards to the kids. They are friendly to me, they are nice, but have never showed me real warmth and have always felt like very nice strangers to me.
Being a twin, it is hard to find other twins who are estranged and feel like a part of themselves is missing. I have searched the internet and I have found organizations such as twinless twins, but not really in Canada and then organizations for parents of twins and/or triplets. This is not me either. I have a hard time finding where I fit and finding a connection to other people. These feelings I can not so easily tell my husband. My mother and I do not talk like that, so I guess writing my feelings down is helpful for now.
I do not know how she feels, I can imagine there is a part of her that HATES me. Partially because she sees me as always having more friends than her, having kids before her and for not getting cancer and being healthier than her. From that stand point, I do not understand and cannot understand where she is coming from, I can only imagine it must be scary for her to always have fear health wise that something bad will happen, especially after what happened with our dad and he wasn't even 65.
We are growing more distant as our kids get older and as time moves forward. It gets harder for me as time passes and I miss her...and I hate her...and I miss her...and i want that close relationship again...if we ever REALLY had it?
I hate to think that one day, we may not even talk as little as we already do. We may see each other once a month and only for the kids sake and reluctantly. It seems that I am pushing for something that she doesn't want. My husband sees it and tells me to let her be, to not call her because at this point, I am just being annoying to her. He thinks it is easy. I have always lived in her shadow, walking on the edge of how she feels. My husband will just yell at me and say: "SHE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT GO? STOP CALLING! SHE WILL ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES OF WHY SOMETHING ISN'T POSSIBLE! STOP OFFERING TO HELP HER OUT! SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP! SHE WOULD NOT HELP US OUT EITHER!" There is truth to what my husband speaks. But, he doesn't understand the twinship relationship. I miss her and feel lost in knowing who I am, if not a twin. Who am I?
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