I am feeling like an estranged twin. I am an identical twin, but we are not close. I don't really know when it started in our adult life, but it is gradually getting worse in our 30's. When I think about our childhood, I think it was very complicated back then as well. I always felt jealous of her because she seemed to be our parents favourite. She seemed to be more sensitive than I am, she cried a lot. I was very sensitive as well, but I hid my feelings more. We were both bullied in school and making friends was never easy for either one of us. I have always had troubled relationships with female friends. Looking back, I don't know what she felt, I do know she was bullied as well and we had friends that sometimes said to me "I like you better than your sister". I know I used to come home from school in grade 5, go to my room and cry. I don't remember her crying but she always cried to mom about feeling lonely etc. My earliest memory in our childhood is when our parents labeled her "the good twin" and me "the bad twin". I lived up to that expectation. In high school, I fought with my mother all the time. I went out with friends (superficial friends) often. These friends would frequently change every year.
My sister would never let me borrow her clothes, she had a very bad and big temper. She often took my clothes without asking and I did not put up a fight because I knew mom would get involved and tell me how horrible I was being and shoot me "the look", the one that could kill, if she was superman (the laser eyes). But, if I took her clothes...she would throw a fight and mom would get involved and make me change. I was the one who caused problems because when she fought, she fought loud and hard. I hated confrontation, so when I fought, I could be loud but I would back off and decide this is not worth the fight because I would have both her and mom against me and I would never win that battle.
Years later, at age 35, I feel like I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am, if I am not a stay at home mom, mother of two and an identical twin. Everyone I meet, the first thing I am sure to tell them is that I am an identical twin. But, we are not close. I have tried to be but over time, it is killing me inside. I am losing sleep thinking about what went wrong and trying to pinpoint where it started. The root cause: jealousy. From where it started, I don't know.
I was jealous when she married before me. She was jealous when I had a child before her, so jealous in fact that she went to Vancouver and was not there for the first year of my son's life. When I went to visit her in Vancouver when my son was 2 months old, I got sick and she got angry because I was lying sick on her couch and if our son woke at night, she complained instead of trying to help and taking him for a while from me so I could sleep.
After a year of fertility treatments, she finally had her son. I rushed to see him in the hospital. It was a happy day. But over time, I don't know what happened. Our dad died from being hit by a car and our mom came from Germany around the time I had my daughter. My sister yelled at mom, the day my daughter came home from the hospital, that mom had to leave and spend time with her son alone to prove she loves him just as much as her son. Mom left, three weeks after dad's death and me tired from just giving birth, mom left. I suggested we be together, my sister yelled all the more. To this day, my sister, will not apologize and she said, I should have seen how much sleep she needed and mom saw that. To me, it doesn't matter, we wanted to come over to her house as well and she could have slept then as well but she refused and wanted us divided.
Now, my daughters second birthday is coming up and I offered to take him to the aquarium with us and give her a day of rest. She said no because it is too crowded, three kids will be too much for me, she will not allow her son in a car with me either. I am not able to spend time with my nephew alone. I offer when she complains that her life is tiring and too busy, as she is a teacher. I also offered to take her dog, as she worries that her dog is getting depressed with her having her second child now and her not having the time to walk him. She said on the phone, maybe but I know the answer is no. She posted the problem she is having with her dog on facebook. A friend of hers replied with some advice. She responded back with how difficult it was too take that advice because of her and her husband's work schedule, but she never mentioned that I had offered to take the dog because I have the time as a stay at home mom to walk her. I offered for a week. She didn't decline, but for her not saying anything is declining.
She also told me that in highschool, she had asked mom to go to separate high schools as she didn't want to see me every day. Mom has no recollection of this and says it is not an issue, it never was. I know my sister said this on the cuff to hurt me. She knows how to hurt me like no one else.
I get hurt every time we are together, I feel as if I am the one trying to make the effort to keep the relationship going. When she had skin cancer, I offered as a gift to take her to a spa and let the husband's take care of the kids, but as a teacher and having skin cancer, she needed to relax more. My sister said she hates people who go to spas and it is such a girly thing to do. That was 2 yrs ago. Since our kids, which was 5 yrs ago, I have not spent any time alone with my sister. She is very dependant on her husband because she does not drive, but she will not get into a car with me. My husband taught me to drive when we first met, as our parents never encouraged driving because it was too dangerous. Now, I drive with confidence. She refuses to come over without her husband because she needs him as a ride and doesn't want to be stuck at our place and she will not get in a car with me.
This story is very painful for me to talk about, even to my husband as he does not understand. I do not feel like I fit in with his family, they are an exclusive bunch, very polish. It is not their faults, they are from a different generation and they escaped a communist country. I do not have much to say to his parents, I speak through my husband to them and it is only in regards to the kids. They are friendly to me, they are nice, but have never showed me real warmth and have always felt like very nice strangers to me.
Being a twin, it is hard to find other twins who are estranged and feel like a part of themselves is missing. I have searched the internet and I have found organizations such as twinless twins, but not really in Canada and then organizations for parents of twins and/or triplets. This is not me either. I have a hard time finding where I fit and finding a connection to other people. These feelings I can not so easily tell my husband. My mother and I do not talk like that, so I guess writing my feelings down is helpful for now.
I do not know how she feels, I can imagine there is a part of her that HATES me. Partially because she sees me as always having more friends than her, having kids before her and for not getting cancer and being healthier than her. From that stand point, I do not understand and cannot understand where she is coming from, I can only imagine it must be scary for her to always have fear health wise that something bad will happen, especially after what happened with our dad and he wasn't even 65.
We are growing more distant as our kids get older and as time moves forward. It gets harder for me as time passes and I miss her...and I hate her...and I miss her...and i want that close relationship again...if we ever REALLY had it?
I hate to think that one day, we may not even talk as little as we already do. We may see each other once a month and only for the kids sake and reluctantly. It seems that I am pushing for something that she doesn't want. My husband sees it and tells me to let her be, to not call her because at this point, I am just being annoying to her. He thinks it is easy. I have always lived in her shadow, walking on the edge of how she feels. My husband will just yell at me and say: "SHE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT GO? STOP CALLING! SHE WILL ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES OF WHY SOMETHING ISN'T POSSIBLE! STOP OFFERING TO HELP HER OUT! SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP! SHE WOULD NOT HELP US OUT EITHER!" There is truth to what my husband speaks. But, he doesn't understand the twinship relationship. I miss her and feel lost in knowing who I am, if not a twin. Who am I?
Monday, February 24, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Why I think big kids birthday parties are ridiculous!
My daughter's second birthday is on March 1st. The second birthday parents can get away without really having one because she will forget anyway. My son doesn't remember his second birthday. I am glad, because for his second I invited one family and had just my family. My friend was pregnant at the time with her third and could not make it, she was so sick. My mom misses all these events because she lives in Germany and my dad was there, but my husbands family does not like mine. So, it was in my in laws back yard because we lived in an apartment at the time. My father in law sat under a tree by himself. My mother in law and sister in law decided to go shopping. It was just my dad, my pregnant sister and her husband talking to each other and my son played around by himself with all his presents. He had a good time and it was just me that was mad.
I have decided for my daughters second to go to the Aquarium and look at the fishes and my son may get more out of it than her. After that, we may do dinner with my sister and her family and my husbands parents.
This gets me thinking about my son's 6th birthday in August. I am worried he may ask for a party. I think kids birthdays with big bouncy castles, slides, magicians can be over the top and ridiculous. Here is a list of why I find big kids birthday parties ridiculous:
1. Who to invite? Some parents have lots of friends and they invite everyone they know. But, some parents don't have that many friends and can only invite two or three couple friends, but if the birthday is in August, many people go away, especially during the long week end. If he wants to invite kids from his class, moms have to start making friends before the end of school, but not everyone will RSVP. It is too risky to invite the class and a big headache for mom.
2. By 6, the child may have been to a few birthday parties already and if he sees the bouncy castle, or people going to legoland etc, which can be pretty expensive, he will expect the same. Then he wants to have a big birthday party with bouncy castle and lots of presents etc, not realizing that mom may not know that many people or have the finances to support such an event that they will forget in a few years anyway. Really, who is the party about? mom? or child? It creates a false set of expectations.
3. While it is great to celebrate your child's birthday, I wouldn't go overboard because what are you trying to teach your child? I don't want my child to feel a sense of entitlement and I know this is why we are living in the "me" generation. Parents want to keep their kids entertained and happy. But, in fact by big and extravagant birthdays, it may do the opposite of what is intended. My son once went to a birthday, where there was a magician, face painting, it was like a circus and the birthday boy spent most of his time alone in his room. He was actually more of an introvert. All the parties of his mom's we went to after that, this boy would be the first to go to bed and hide away from the crowd. The party was more about what mom can do. But she was a fabulous hostess.
It is important to teach your child, that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people may be busy. It is good to teach your child that a birthday is about him and it is ok to spend it with just the family and it is ok not to get a lot of presents and it is still nice to make a day out of it where the child feels special, even if that means not a big party. I mean a child's self worth comes from within and not how many people can attend your party. It teaches your kid not to rely on other people so much for happiness. Of course, if I have a party for my child it will be the closest people to me and very small and intimate. All one needs is close friends and a birthday cake and a few presents.
4. Wanting what other kids have. How do you explain that it is okay to be different from what others do? Not everyone has the same number of family and friends support or economic situations. We are all different and unique. So, let's try not to want what others have. Thanks to the other moms that invited me to their kids parties and can do what I can not and now I have to explain this to my son. I am just joking in a way, I look at every situation as a teaching moment.
5. Kids can be mean. If parents invite the whole class or every kid that has ever invited your kid, then there may be a lot of people and some can be mean to the others. At my son's 4th birthday, we had 15 kids and one child we did not know well told my son that lego was boring and he did not like any of my son's toys. This kid had tons of toys and he started talking about all the cool stuff he had that my son didn't and my son felt bad. We have not really seen that family since. our children do not get a long that well. I just wanted to live up to the expectations that I put on myself because other moms had cool parties for their kids. I learned my lesson and will not do that again.
Kids birthdays are about the child. As long as you do something special with your kids and maybe have one or two friends, then your child will be happy. For my son's fifth, we had a family birthday, with his one other cousin and the next day, we invited one of his friends to go with us to lego land. he had a fun time. When I told him we were not having a party for him, he was disappointed, but when I said he could choose a friend to go to lego land, he was very excited.
I just want parents and myself to know that it is okay if you don't have an abundance of friends. Most people have one or two really good friends and that is all you need. It is okay to not spend too much money on an over the top birthday party for your kids if you don't have the money or if you don't want to, your kids will forgive you and thank you. It is okay not to buy too many presents for your kids, most of them will get broken in the first week anyway, so by not inviting the whole class, mom doesn't have so many gifts that the kids don't know what to do with. It is okay if your kid feels sad, bored or disappointed, it is a part of life, but hopefully, they have a good day on their birthday what ever you decide to do.
Also, a birthday party to involves less people is easier on mom and kid still feels loved and it teaches your child about close friendships and that it is okay to not rely on other people so much for happiness, you can still have a great birthday party, even if no one comes because it is about the child. That is life. So many kids spend birthdays in sick kids hospital or without food or any kind of celebration. Thank your lucky stars for what your parents can give you, kid!
I have decided for my daughters second to go to the Aquarium and look at the fishes and my son may get more out of it than her. After that, we may do dinner with my sister and her family and my husbands parents.
This gets me thinking about my son's 6th birthday in August. I am worried he may ask for a party. I think kids birthdays with big bouncy castles, slides, magicians can be over the top and ridiculous. Here is a list of why I find big kids birthday parties ridiculous:
1. Who to invite? Some parents have lots of friends and they invite everyone they know. But, some parents don't have that many friends and can only invite two or three couple friends, but if the birthday is in August, many people go away, especially during the long week end. If he wants to invite kids from his class, moms have to start making friends before the end of school, but not everyone will RSVP. It is too risky to invite the class and a big headache for mom.
2. By 6, the child may have been to a few birthday parties already and if he sees the bouncy castle, or people going to legoland etc, which can be pretty expensive, he will expect the same. Then he wants to have a big birthday party with bouncy castle and lots of presents etc, not realizing that mom may not know that many people or have the finances to support such an event that they will forget in a few years anyway. Really, who is the party about? mom? or child? It creates a false set of expectations.
3. While it is great to celebrate your child's birthday, I wouldn't go overboard because what are you trying to teach your child? I don't want my child to feel a sense of entitlement and I know this is why we are living in the "me" generation. Parents want to keep their kids entertained and happy. But, in fact by big and extravagant birthdays, it may do the opposite of what is intended. My son once went to a birthday, where there was a magician, face painting, it was like a circus and the birthday boy spent most of his time alone in his room. He was actually more of an introvert. All the parties of his mom's we went to after that, this boy would be the first to go to bed and hide away from the crowd. The party was more about what mom can do. But she was a fabulous hostess.
It is important to teach your child, that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people may be busy. It is good to teach your child that a birthday is about him and it is ok to spend it with just the family and it is ok not to get a lot of presents and it is still nice to make a day out of it where the child feels special, even if that means not a big party. I mean a child's self worth comes from within and not how many people can attend your party. It teaches your kid not to rely on other people so much for happiness. Of course, if I have a party for my child it will be the closest people to me and very small and intimate. All one needs is close friends and a birthday cake and a few presents.
4. Wanting what other kids have. How do you explain that it is okay to be different from what others do? Not everyone has the same number of family and friends support or economic situations. We are all different and unique. So, let's try not to want what others have. Thanks to the other moms that invited me to their kids parties and can do what I can not and now I have to explain this to my son. I am just joking in a way, I look at every situation as a teaching moment.
5. Kids can be mean. If parents invite the whole class or every kid that has ever invited your kid, then there may be a lot of people and some can be mean to the others. At my son's 4th birthday, we had 15 kids and one child we did not know well told my son that lego was boring and he did not like any of my son's toys. This kid had tons of toys and he started talking about all the cool stuff he had that my son didn't and my son felt bad. We have not really seen that family since. our children do not get a long that well. I just wanted to live up to the expectations that I put on myself because other moms had cool parties for their kids. I learned my lesson and will not do that again.
Kids birthdays are about the child. As long as you do something special with your kids and maybe have one or two friends, then your child will be happy. For my son's fifth, we had a family birthday, with his one other cousin and the next day, we invited one of his friends to go with us to lego land. he had a fun time. When I told him we were not having a party for him, he was disappointed, but when I said he could choose a friend to go to lego land, he was very excited.
I just want parents and myself to know that it is okay if you don't have an abundance of friends. Most people have one or two really good friends and that is all you need. It is okay to not spend too much money on an over the top birthday party for your kids if you don't have the money or if you don't want to, your kids will forgive you and thank you. It is okay not to buy too many presents for your kids, most of them will get broken in the first week anyway, so by not inviting the whole class, mom doesn't have so many gifts that the kids don't know what to do with. It is okay if your kid feels sad, bored or disappointed, it is a part of life, but hopefully, they have a good day on their birthday what ever you decide to do.
Also, a birthday party to involves less people is easier on mom and kid still feels loved and it teaches your child about close friendships and that it is okay to not rely on other people so much for happiness, you can still have a great birthday party, even if no one comes because it is about the child. That is life. So many kids spend birthdays in sick kids hospital or without food or any kind of celebration. Thank your lucky stars for what your parents can give you, kid!
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