Missing Home

The first week of teacher's college, almost behind me. Only 33 more weeks to go. It has been hard, I miss markus like crazy. I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. I talk to him on skype and he is always so happy. I know my friend Magda is doing a great job in caring for him. It is just very hard on me. Tom is getting use to it. I am feeling very overwhelmed. Not a lot of homework as of yet. I am going to my classes tomorrow and then taking the bus home to see my family.

In law troubles

Okay. So this is beginning to become a blog about the struggles I have with my husband over the in laws. I want to learn how to get over this, I toss and turn at night and the reason is that the in laws do not know how I feel and Tom has only shared a portion of it.

On Markus's 2nd birthday, we went to their house for a bbq and I invited my family. What a mistake that was!!!!! My sister who is pregnant came and the FIL did not say hello or congratulate my sister on being pregnant or buying a house. He also avoided my dad. He sat at the opposite end of the yard. My dad had to take his disabled body and chair and move it to the end of the backyard so that he could start a conversation with Mr bully man (my fil). Thanks dad, for trying for me and for your grandson. Well, my FIL talked to my brother in law about computer stuff, but he did not mention the fact that my brother in law is going to be a dad. He just used my brother in law for computer information. He also gave my sister dirty looks all day. He was an asshole. My sister came in and said hi to all of us and my mil and sil congratulated her, but after they were gone, they asked me what the name of the baby would be. I mean my sister was right there. My sil left for the entire duration of the bbq and went upstairs she is 24. She is a very immature girl. She is mature for a 10 yr old but not for a 24 yr old woman. Her parents have crippled her and made her so reliant instead of self sufficient. They try to do that with my husband as well, because he always says I don't enjoy spending time with them but I use them for stuff so we have to go over there for that stuff for the car etc. I say buy your own tools, don't use them then. I came home after my son's birthday and I cried with how rude my fil was being and how he could not see past himself for the sake of his grandson. I felt that I don't want my son to have that much contact with them because I don't want him to grow up mean. My fil once told my sister when I was pregnant that people who do not have children are selfish. Now that my sister is pregnant he can't get over his own selfishness to congratulate her. Nice!!!! I hate this family for making me cry so many times and I hate my husband for not setting boundaries earlier. My mil tried to breastfeed my son, I wanted to kill her, I gave her a look that would kill. I did not allow my son to stay there that often anymore. Now, the way his dad treated my twin sister was horrible. I can't stand him. The week after, my husband went to his parents alone, while I went with my son and dad to wings of paradise conservatory. My husband told them how I felt, but not completely on what happened with my sister. I want him to go again this week end and tell them how much it hurt me, what he said to his dad was that he did not say hi to my sister at all. I can handle that, I can't handle the dirty looks, the mocking and the not saying congratulations to a pregnant woman who will be giving my son a cousin. If he can not even think about his grand son then I don't want him around my son. To be around my son, they have to put him first and not themselves.

This week end, it has been one month since I have seen them, so I may let my husband take our son, but I am nervous and apprehensive because I want my husband to be around our son at all times and monitor their interaction with him, do not let his mother take my son into rooms privately like she so often does. His mother has been competing with me since I had him. I secretly wish that they were not around, they would move far away. Yesterday, my husband said that there are people he would wish death upon, I said that was horrible, I wish death on nobody, secretly, i wouldn't mind it on his dad. His dad is so mean.

Anyway, I have a week and a have before school starts. Orientation begins on the 2nd of Sept. I am nervous as hell. It ends on the 3rd and then school actually begins on the 7th. I can't wait for this to be done with. It is only 8 months, I tell myself. I will see my son every week end. I can't control whether my husband allows him to see the grandparents. I don't trust them so no over night visits until my son gets old enough to say so.

My friend is pregnant again with her third. I am a bit jealous but so happy for her. I want to get school done with, get a job and get pregnant again and have a child before the age of 34. That is my plan and sell the condo in the process. I want two children. I couldn't imagine my life only having one. If I was younger, I would have more because I like the big family idea but nowadays that is just an ideology. Those happy big families rarely exist these days, everyone is faced with insecurities and doubt and fear of what's to come. There is no stability anymore.

With hating my in laws, I am excited for the future and moving away from them.

Life and Times

Markus's birthday on sunday turned out well considering.....Markus played all day in the yard and never had a nap. Andra and Ulf cancelled because Connor got sick. It was just my dad, sister and Roger. Tom's dad sat at the other end of the garden and did not talk to my sister at all and did not make the first move to talk to my dad and make them feel welcome. My dad went up to him. Monica, the sister wanted Tom to take pictures of her for a website. I think she could have chosen another time to do it. She did not make an effort either. My dad said in the car that if Tom's dad is harbouring bad feelings towards Yoshe, my sister from more than a year ago, then we should feel sorry for him because he is a very sad person. I love my dad. He always had a way of making us feel better in the moment with just a few words. My dad said that he made the first move to talk to him because at the end of the day he is a happy person. A good day for him is if he gets out, gets some free and good food and gets to spend time with family, then it's a good day and how other people feel toward him does not matter at the end of the day. This is coming from a man who's wife left him, he lives in a small apartment on disability and is in constant pain. Yet, he can look at other people and always see things from their side and not talk bad about them. Tom's dad talks bad about people a lot of the time. He is a mean person.

Tom's mom Krystina tried, she spent time with us and she really tried to be there for us. It does not make me feel good that I will be leaving Markus with Tom and his sister. I hate that his sister is moving in because I don't particularly like her. I find her to be a young 24 yr old who is the most selfish person I have ever met. It is hard when you do not get a long with the family in law. It does affect the relationship with Tom. He and his family have lived an isolated life, where they preached how important family is. Yet, they can't let go of him and he can't let go of them but he is trying with me. I woke up this morning, thinking about this in my head and it goes in a circle racing round and round like a spinning wheel in my head and it drives me crazy. Tom's family was rude on sunday and I know I get along with my sister's husbands family very well. Roger, my brother in law, his family have been very good to me when I was pregnant and with Markus after he was born. My own in laws want nothing to do with my side of the family. They hurt me a lot. Now, the relationship is tainted. It makes me sick that Tom and I have gone to counselling for over a year and it is to talk about how his family is ruining our relationship because his dad and mom give unasked for advice, we see them once ever week end or second week end and his dad is a bit of a bully.

I wished my mom could have been here for Markus's second birthday. I love my son so much and to think that that family that I married into unfortunately could have an influence over him bothers me. I do have to let go a bit myself. He is my son and nothing will change that.

Another disappointment came yesterday, when the mother of the kids I sit for called and said that the kids will no longer be coming and she will pay me today. I was hoping that I could give the kids cake today and hamburgers and so something nice with them so that they can celebrate Markus's birthday as well. I would have liked the chance to say good bye. I did not even get that. They are going to their cousins today and from now on. I would have liked Markus to have been able to say good bye. I don't know if Markus thinks that they are coming today. I don't know if Markus will internalize it. I tried to explain it to him last night. I do not even know what he remembers and how far back. I think that children are like dogs in a way, they expect something, they know something is not right. They look for patterns.

I am feeling down today, but my math course starts today and my tuition fees for the first term are due as well. I would also like to call Magda and see her. I have to try not to take things personally, but I am disappointed that after Magda came back from Poland she has not made an effort to see me and she has been back for almost two weeks. It just makes me insecure to leave Markus with her now.

I will call her and see if she is able to see me today.

Markus's 1st birthday

Markus's 2nd birthday

My son was born 2 yrs ago on August 2nd. Last year for his first birthday I had a small party for him at his Grandparents home in Cambridge. My good friends Andra and Ulf and their two kids that live in Oshawa drove all the way to Cambridge for it. I had the party a week before because of the long week end. I made a car cake and Krystina, my MIL had some of her friends there that live down the street. It was a nice party. Here are some pictures from last year.

This year, I thought we would do pretty much the same thing. Go to the grandparents and have a bbq. I will make a guitar cake this year and some scalloped potatoes. Andra and Ulf and their boys will be coming as well. I will also do something special on the 3rd of August with the kids I babysit for Markus's birthday, so they can be involved as well with making the cake etc.

Last week on Sunday, we asked my MIL for the key card back to our building because I lost mine. She cried and made a big deal out of it. I got angry and let her know it. By the end of our heated argument, I told her we appreciate her and we love her. She is a mother who is afraid to let go. I am glad we had that blow out though, I wish it was a bigger blow out but she had friends over. There was so much I wanted to say to her. In any case, before I leave to teacher's college, hopefully we will still get to have our discussion about boundary setting.

Yesterday was my last counselling session with Tom. The counsellor still recommended that we see her one more time before I leave and that we may consider individual counselling once I do leave because this year will be hard for both of us. We did well, we were both aware of the situation and our feelings about leaving and we got advice on how to handle it so that Markus still knows I am his mom and so that Markus does not feel abandoned or rejected. She suggested that on week ends, I should try to find an hour where I can have alone time with just him and myself, mother and son. I felt a lot better when we left that we will try to do the right thing.

Happy 2nd birthday to Markus. It will be fun.

Julianne Andrews.

I took the kids to a park, but it was a 20 minute walk to get there. The sun was beaming, we were all sweating, there was no shade in sight. Once we passed the metro grocery story and walked down the path way away from any city life and into solitude, we were surrounded by streams, bridges, trees, flowers and the sound of the birds chirping in our ears. On the way there, Markus sat in the stroller and Christian rode in the basket underneath. Once we got to the park, they played in the sand, down the slides, the monkey bars and I joined them. I felt like Julianne Andrews in the sound of music. I was wearing white pants that got all dirty. We ate lunch, but the seagulls were very aggressive and they were flying around our heads very close as if to chase us away. I managed to pack what I could, but the sandwiches that the boys threw on the ground I left. I couldn't believe how vile they were. Here are some pictures of the kids I babysit. This was taken in Kariya park, right outside my door.

I forgot my camera for today, which is too bad. They were really good today.

I think I may have Markus's birthday in that park, invite a select group of people with children. It will be nice. I could live like this forever, if I did not worry about our future so much and if we owned a house instead of a condo. Oh well, everyone, almost, nearly everyone in life has to work.

I am happy that I get to go to teacher's college, not everyone gets to go. I am happy I have a happy son and that I am married to a responsible man.

What more could one ask for.

This is my mom and Markus. We went to a zoo in Hannover, Germany. Markus had the time of his life. The day was not so warm, but we had a great time.

I figured we need pictures of my son, considering this was supposed to be a blog about life after motherhood, but it is becoming more of a personal blog about life in general, the worries, the fun and my personal experience of being a mom, which is the best thing that ever happened to me.

We walked around the city and ate Pizza.

We walked around the Invalides, a hotel built in 1675 by Louis the fifth and then to Notra Dame, the picture on the left.

Next stop, the Eiffel tower.

The next day we went to castle Versailles. It was extravagant. Amazing! It was such a hot day.

This Cafe reminded me of Van Gogh's painting "Starry Night". The one on the left side beside it is a picture of a wall that has the words "I love you" written in every language. Two French Artists asked tourists and people from all over the world how they say "I love you" in their language and they made art out of it.

This is on the city tour.

We ate some steak and fries.......mmmmmm delicious.

On our way to the hotel room we stopped at La Basilique du Sacre Coeur.

What kind of Mother am I?

In the midst of all the chaos of driving to London to find housing, putting my schedule together, which was tedious, long and boring, it took all day yesterday and realizing that Markus needs to stay with Tom for the first little while because it is difficult to find daycare. I wonder what kind of mother am I to leave my child and husband so I can go to teacher's college. I wish I had the answers, what do other mother's do? I do not want to be influenced by my parents in law, they would like Markus to live with them. I think Tom is capable, but he has a short temper and that worries me a great deal. On the other hand, without my involvement or that of his mother, he could form a closer bond with Markus and surprise all of us by being super dad. We have decided that for the first little while, Markus stays with Tom and if Tom ever feels overwhelmed and needs a break, he can come to stay with me for a week. By that time, I may meet other mothers and find a friend like Magda that would be willing to help me out.

I already agreed to a place that is 450/month, 5 minute walking distance to the school. However, I would have to ask the other students if it would be okay with a child there once in a while. I may back out of it now. I also found another place, 375/month, but it is a 10 min bus ride, but they do not mind a child being there from time to time, so I may just go there instead. I will perhaps see it on the week end.

I just wish I had other mother's to talk to, what do other mother's do? Spending two years with my son and then just leaving, it will be a big change for him and myself. Will he be okay? will I? will I get a job afterwards, where I can say I did this all for him and to have a more secure and stable life? so many questions, but no answers right now.

Some more pictures

Tom and I took went with Rainbow tours to Paris for 3 days and 4 nights. This was our first stop at mon matre. Tom and I never had a honeymoon because when we married I was 7 months pregnant. Therefore, while visiting my mother, we thought she could take care of Markus and we would spend time in the most romantic city in the world....Paris!!!! (imagine the French accent). It was fun and nice to spend time alone with my husband, but we found it anything but romantic. All we did was sleep in our hotel room, we were so tired, we needed to catch up. Also, spending two nights sleeping on the bus was not comfortable and tired us out. The first night, we went on a sightseeing tour and Mon matre was the center place where we all met up and drank some wine in the streets before taking a walking tour of the city.

pictures of Germany, Paris

how do I add pictures.

I am posting pictures of my trip to Germany. I am just learning how to post pictures and navigate through this page. So, pictures will come randomly.

Methods to teach children learning basics.

I have been trying to come up with new and creative ideas of things to do with the children I babysit. The girl is 7yrs old, her brother is 2 and a half, whom I have mentioned many times before and my son is almost 2. The boy tends to be very aggressive with my son. I have to constantly tell him to stop hitting and pushing and throwing things at my son. Although, I do let them work it out on their own as well because I want my son to learn that he also has to learn to stand up for himself as well. So, I bought them foam swords at the dollar store. This worked well at the beginning. Both of them were playing and play fighting with the swords, but then the boy decided it was still more fun to hit Markus and make him cry.

As for the girl Tatjana. She is very easy to get along with and very mature for her age. That comes with having a younger brother. Yesterday, I had her help me build a solar system for Markus's room. I had her look on google at what order the planets are in. I had some decor stickers, black bristol board and coloured pencils. We had great fun doing that, she wanted to show her mom, when her mom came to pick her up.

On Wednesday, I took them to Kariya Park. I wanted to take pictures with my new Nikon camera that Tom came home with on Tuesday. He said it was my early birthday pressent. My birthday is not until Sept. I will take it. In any case, I got quite a few good pictures. Tatiana loves modelling for the camera.

Today, they are playing with clay. I bought some clay at the dollar store and they love it. It is so much easier to play with than play doh. I will go back and buy some more, the kids seem to love it. I sat with them for a bit as they molded this clay. I started to think is this what teacher's college will be like?

I am excited but nervous at the same time. I want Markus to come with me so bad. My biggest fear is that my MIL will get him and take over. By the end of it, he will be confused who is mother is. He will not know to go to her or me. It could just be a stupid fear but I have reason to believe it because of how excluded I already feel and how she makes me feel. I am sure many woman have problems with MIL, this is common, but it doesn't make it any easier. Movies have been made over this topic.

In any case, I am looking for more interesting ideas to do with 2 yr olds. The 7 yr old girl is easy, the boys not so much. Everything has to be for 5 to 10 minutes before we move on to the next thing. They have a short attention span at this age. Yet, they love the interaction in any activity.

London, Ontario very Urban and rural and spread out.

I liked the apartment I saw with the 25 yr old male room mate that has a 2 yr old son. It was on the 10th floor. The building itself was very child friendly. He was also willing to give up his master bedroom and take the smaller. He was a nice looking man, with blond hair, about 6ft tall, he obviously worked out and he had a slender body. Not that looks matter because I am married. However, I believe how a person looks shows how dedicated, hard working and motivated one is, if they can look the best to their potential when meeting others for the first time. This is more than I can say for some of the places we looked at. There was this one apartment, with a 47 yr old woman and her 45 yr old partner. They both seemed very nice and friendly. However, they were smokers and they did smoke in the house, although they said they did not. She was a round woman with strawberry blond hair. She had a blue, flowered swim suit on with blue jogging shorts and her breasts sagged down. Her Partner was also a tall, about 6'4ft man, he had facial hair and curly, wild dark brown hair and he wore glasses. He was also a well rounded man. Although he carried all his weight at the bottom which seeped through his over sized gray t-shirt. Her name was Rose, she offered us a coffee, we just asked for water. It was a very hot humid day. Rose had a cat and the litter box was in the centre of the living room. That could have also made the living room smell foul. In any case, there was a sadness in her eyes, the same sadness that I see in most smokers. A vulnerability on the inside, so deep but a toughness and rough exterior on the outside. They were from Newfoundland. She seemed lonely to me and I looked through her tear filled eyes and I could sense a desperate need for companionship. Rose said she had never worked a day in her life, she had two sons. Rose asked if Tom was the real father of Markus. I thought it was strange to not assume that the man that is with a child and woman is not the father. Yet, as we saw more apartments and met more people, I began to realize how urban and rural London is. The people I met all were single parents in either relationships with other parents. Most of those people smoked and there was a toughness to their exterior that I have seen many times in my life before when I grew up in Kitchener on Mowat. We did not have a lot of money, but my dad was educated and my mom worked all her life, born and raised in Germany from well to do parents. We did not fit in with the people on Mowat but somehow we got a long. Many people were on well fare, could not afford to feed and cloth their kids, my mom used to feed many kids in the neighbourhood. As we grew, many friends began smoking and drinking. They talked tough and swore a lot but deep inside, they were kind, vulnerable, sweet and still a child.

Anyway, I saw that in London with the 23 yr old girl with a son. Erin, she told us her son was at his father's, so we could not meet him and how is father cheated on her and does drugs. The question Tom and I were thinking is why did you let him take your son for the week if he does drugs. Erin said that he is a good father and does not do drugs around her son. However, in order to be a good father, you have to be clean all around. I don't think you can have one without the other. Well, Erin seemed nice, but her apartment was a mess. It was on the hoarder borderline. I know that she still had a room mate that was coming to pick up her stuff. By time I come, if I choose to take the apartment, it would be cleaned out. I did not judge her apartment or her based on the way it looked, I would still take the apartment if it was convenient and I could clean it. However, I could tell she smoked inside. It was still a 20 minute bus ride from the school and I don't know how much studying I would get done.

I am going on Saturday again to view some bachelor apartments that are about a 35 minute walk to the school and a one bedroom that is a 5 minute walk but 4 other teacher college students live there. That would be the most convenient, but Markus would have to go with Tom and have my friend Magda watch him during the day.

Driving through London, on Sunday was hell. It started to hail around Ingersoll, I was driving, so I had to pull over on the side of the highway until the rain cleared up. I could not see anything. Other cars had the same idea in mind. When we approached London, it had never rained or hailed there. It was sunny. It was like being in another country. We went to Victoria park, where sunfest was going on. I ran into Paul, whom I used to date. Our break up was bad. We did not have the best relationship. Now, he runs a company called Nharo, he is one of the faces of fair trade and he goes from Africa to Canada to sell artisans for reasonable prizes. I talked to him for a little while and introduced him to my son. It was awkward and he did not know what to say. He said about being pregnant, at least you got to miss a few periods for a while. It came out of nowhere upon meeting Markus, so I could tell he was nervous.

I tried to facebook him and send him a message, but he has not responded yet, so I am assuming that he is not interested in any kind of communication with me. I was his worst break up because he fell in love with me and asked me to marry him and I said no. So, I am the one that broke his heart. For me, it was nice to see him. I have actually dreamed of that moment, meeting him again after all these years. Not in a romantic way, but it could be the start of a new and improved friendship. The meeting did not go the way I had imagined to be in my head.

Overall, things are coming together. We are spending a lot of money on gas to get to London and back, but I am improving on my driving abilities. I am getting a lot of support and Tom is starting to see that he needs to step up and be a father without parental involvement or me. So, it will be a new direction for both of us.

Tough Decisions

On July 7th, I will be going to London again. I have 2 interviews with daycare workers and I am looking at two places. One is with a single 23 year old Mother looking for a room mate and the other is with a 25 year old male with a 2 yr old son also looking for a room mate. I would prefer to live with someone who has a child as well because they would understand.

We have told Tom's parents that I was planning on putting my son in daycare while I am in school. His father said that they would help me out with what ever I needed. His mom said in a sharp, disappointed tone that I would need a car and I will not be able to do this. We explained there is a daycare right on campus. She assumed that she would be taking him while I was in school and we could visit him on weekends. I was talking about this to my friend Heidi when we went to Port Dalhousie on Sunday for a get together with friends. It was a good way to end my friends trip here after her father died and they had to worry about funeral arrangements etc. So, to say good bye to everyone before she left to Boston and thank you for attending the funeral, her mom decided that we have a get together and meet in St Catherines at her mother's house. It was nice. In any case, Heidi said that it was strange that Tom's mom just assumed that Markus, my son would go with them. One should always assume that a child goes with the mother unless otherwise specifically stated by the parents to the grand parents. I have tried to get use to all the strange things his parents have done since Markus was born.

For example, on his first birthday, my sister bought him a wooden elephant with tamborines, that you push on a stick. After the party, Tom's father said "I am taking this away from him because I believe it is too dangerous". I have been angry at myself for that instance because I could not find my voice to argue against it even though I believed it was not dangerous. Now, I want it back and I have not seen it in a year. It should have been my decision and not theirs. So, there are a few mistakes I have made as well such as not being honest in my feelings and fighting the fight that most daughter in laws must fight. Another time, was when we came to pick Markus up from spending the night with them and Tom's mom answered in her bra and told me about how Markus was sucking and left red marks on her chest. I don't know what went on, she may have just wanted skin to skin contact with him. However, from a mother's perspective, that is strange and it is a bond between mother and child and that is it. I felt as if she was competing with me for his affection when she should be sharing it with me but leave the breast feeding bond to me, that is it. I was so furious, more than I had ever been. I gave her the meanest look and I think she got the message.

In any case, I have to stop obsessing about it, the past is the past and we can only learn from it. However, I can't help but feel angry because in the past, I have felt so helpless against them. Tom and I went to counselling yesterday, we discussed his parents and he admitted that his parents do interfere. He also acknowledged that his mother does make snarky, sharp toned comments, she has done it all his life and all that taught him to do was to get wittier with his come backs. I felt validated and that it was a break through because up until that point, I thought those sharp toned comments were only meant and done for me since I entered the family. Tom never mentioned that he deals with them to and he lets it rub off his back. Women and men are very different in how they take things. I have a hard time letting go and he does not communicate to me to tell me when something said has bothered him because it does not matter anymore. Where as I can't let go. He said to the counsellor that if you have lived with it all your life, you become desensitized and it no longer has an impact.

I have to focus on more positive things such as teacher's college, getting a job, creating a more financially stable future for my son and the possibility of having another child once I have a job and can go on maternity again and have a job I can come back to. My sister is having her baby in December and Roger will be in teacher's college as well. There are a lot of good things going on right now. Roger and Yoshe are in their new house and we may sell this condo and buy house after I am done teacher's college and have a stable job somewhat. So, that is all that matters right now. The question still remains: How do I unscramble the mess in my brain to get my thoughts more organized and not let things bother me so much? I am working on it is all I can say.

More of Germany

I am running short on time, since I have been back with all the distractions from the boys wanting my attention.

We drove to Hannover from Karlsruhe on Saturday. It was sad to say good bye to Tante Elfrieda. I had not seen her since I was 17. The last few times I had visited my mother and her were not getting a long and therefore I did not visit. In any case, she gave us $200.00. My mom was disappointed, she was hoping that I would get more because Yoshe got $500.00 for her wedding and I did not get anything. She is one of our wealthy relatives through marriage, her partner is deceased now. In any case, my mom commented that she is getting frugal with old age. Tom said we did not go there for the money and it was still nice to see them. I was a bit disappointed though, because it is the twin thing that Yoshe got more than I did. I guess this does not go away the older we get, we just learn to handle our emotions better and not always let it affect the relationship.

That night, we packed and had a nice dinner. My favorite, schnitzel, white asparagus which we do not have in Canada and mashed potatoes. Christian is an amazing cook, he is thorough and therefore takes a lot of time to do it correctly. I put Markus to bed and mom and I talked for a bit, I was trying not to cry as I do not know when I will see her again. Although, Yoshe is having her baby on December 13th, I do not think mom will be able to make it. Yoshe will go to Germany before mom has a chance to visit here.

We left for the airport very early in the morning. Thankfully, I bathed Markus and got him all dressed and ready the night before so it would not take much hassle to get him ready, I did the same for myself. I could not sleep that night at all. I was the first to wake on Sunday morning, it was 5am. I dressed and shortly after mom came out and we got coffee and breakfast ready. Christian showered and then I woke Tom up for breakfast. Markus was still sleeping. We packed breakfast for him, we did not want to wake him. After breakfast, I woke Markus and put him in the car for the long drive, along with all our luggage. I slept for a bit in the car. We left at 7am. We arrived at Frankfurt airport at 11:30. We made good timing. We checked in. We had a problem checking in because the woman could not figure out how to enter our information into the computer, she had to call for help while we stood there waiting and hungry. Finally, we went to Mcdonalds in the airport. While we were standing in line, I looked next to me and to my surprise, I could swear I saw Pete, my first real boyfriend. We dated back in high school. Our entire relationship ended when I started college, so we were off and on for about 4 years. He cheated on me and I could not forgive. The last words I said to him as my sister and I were driving home from his sister's house where we had been invited to his mother's 65th birthday were: Have a nice life! As my sister and I drove off, we saw him in the car next to us at a red light. He gave me a sad look and shook his head in sorrow and my sister said: I think he really did love you Tanja. The past is the past, I am married with a son and he is divorced, remarried with a son as well. I don't think he recognized me. I was studying his side profile trying to figure out if it was him. He looked directly at me and looked away. It was when we were sitting down, that I saw his face look at me in shook as if studying my face and that is when I knew it was him. I was surprised to see him, I did not remember him being so tall. My hair was tied back. I looked horrible and he had never seen me with glasses. We never spoke, but I know he walked away thinking whether it was me or not, just the way I walked away as well.

I told my husband later about it. Anyway, I was so small in comparison to him, he looked so much older than me, even though he is not. I did not say a word to my mom. We cried at the gate saying good bye. Christian became teary eyed. I knew they would miss Markus dearly.

Tom was unemotional as usual. He just patted me on the shoulder and said "there there, we will see them again", he had a smirk on his face. In situations like this, he is useless.

Markus was up for the whole plane ride. It was awful. A man moved over to give Markus an extra seat. Markus could not sit still for the entire duration of the trip. Thankfully, there was this polish 5yr old sitting in front of us who kept looking back to entertain Markus. Markus fell asleep 5 minutes prior to landing.

Tom's parents picked us up at the airport. We were not very emotional with them, no smiles or warm embraces were exchanged because we were exhausted and just wanted to go home and sleep. Once at home, they left right away and we crashed. Markus slept until 3am. It would have been 9am Germany time. We woke up at that time, made coffee, fixed breakfast, watched tv until Tom had to get ready for work. So, we were up from 3am to 9:30 Monday night. So, now I think I am back on schedule, Canadian time. Soon, I will figure out how to post pictures on here. If anyone reads this and has an idea, please leave a comment.

I know this blog is pointless rambling, but it is for me and my experiences as a mother, traveller, worker, student, sister, daughter and friend. I also do not expect many people to read it and it saves me time to type on the computer rather than write in a journal the old fashioned way.

I have talked to my mother every day since being back. I tell her I miss having her make my coffee every morning for me and cleaning. Now, I have to make my own coffee "sigh".

Germany, part 2, the reason this trip was different than any other time I have been to Germany

I am back in Canada. Back to babysitting, cooking and cleaning...and worrying. I had an amazing time in Germany. We spent the last few days in Karlsruhe. Karlsruhe is 5 hrs away from Hannover and so we rented a car for the last portion of our trip. I could not leave Germany without visiting my Oma and my mom's aunt Tante Elfrieda.

This trip was different than any other trip to Germany and it was a reflection of how time changes, people get older and are being born and the perspectives of people change, but the one thing that stays the same is that once in a while the people you love get to still be in a room and laugh together. The location may change but the heart always stays the same. The last time I was in Germany was in 2007 to visit my Oma in her beautiful apartment in Baden Baden. This time, we went to an old folks home and saw her just for 4 hrs. It was still nice and she has not lost her sense of humour. Yet, she had trouble walking. Oma has always had the most beautiful skin, therefore, she still did not have that many wrinkles, but you could tell she was tired a lot more. Tante Elfrieda took us to a restaurant in the country side, right across from the winery, the field where the grow the grapes that produces the wine. It made a beautiful photograph. The restaurant was called Hause Rembland. I had the roastbeef steak. It was the best meal I had in a long time. It was great of Tom to stay with all of us gossiping and talking about old times. That night, mom, Tante Elfrieda and I stayed in the kitchen, talking until 1am. Tom and Markus had long gone to bed. Tante Elfrieda shared her stories of sibling rivalry in childhood with Oma. The sibling rivalry still goes on to this day because Tante Elfrieda complained that Oma only ate two bites of her expensive meal and then she throws the rest out. It was funny to see her get all worked up, an 85 year old woman. I now know where my sister gets her temper from.

This trip was very emotional for me because it may be my last time I see Oma. There were four generations in her room and I was so happy that she could be around to see my son.

More of Germany!!!

Yesterday, we went to the zoo here in Hannover. It was only two subway rides away, very close. I thought it was better than the Toronto zoo. It cost a lot, it was 23 euros per person and Markus was free. Once, I saw it, it was well worth the money. Every part of the zoo had it's own section according the the country the animal came from. So, there was a section on the Yukon, featuring the Polar bear. They had water splashing hard against the rocks, cabins and the biggest burger I have ever eaten. We were able to go inside under ground to see the seals, polar bears and penguins swimming around. I did not see any penguins, they may have been hiding. It was a rainy and cold day anyway. There was Australia, where the ground was painted red, cabins with signs of beer were on the left and right of us as we were walking down the pathway. We were able to go right in the fenced area to walk along side the kangaroos. They were a lot smaller than the ones I saw in Australia. In any case, they had a lot of space to roam around, jump, hop, whatever, their little hearts desired. They also seemed to be more afraid of people than the ones I saw in Australia at Torango zoo, where they would come right up to your feet. Anyway, Markus watched in awe. At one point, Markus was walking and in between steps he would kneel down and bop his head up and down and then we realized that he was copying the birds. It was so funny, we all laughed. My favorite section was India, a building structured like the tajmahall, and a lot of open space for the elephants and monkeys. One monkey had a baby in her arms, it was so cute.

It was Markus's first time at a zoo and I have not been in a very long time. I have never been to the one in Hannover. I was thrilled to see Markus's reaction to all the creatures. When he looked into the glass where the lions were roaming. Markus started to make roaring sounds to copy the lions. We all laughed. He slept well last night.

However, today was more of a relaxing day. I took Markus to the park and then mom and I went to the grocery store. Tom slept. Poor Tom, he has had a headache all day long. He gets headaches quite frequently. I wish I knew what to do to make him feel better. In those moments he just likes to be left alone and no one can come near him. He got irritated by my mother who just would not leave him alone. She just wanted to help, but she can be overwhelming at times. Well, he took aspirin, he ate, he drank coffee and slept most of the day away and nothing seemed to help. After fighting with my mother, bathing Markus we took a walk and he complained that this vacation so far has been awful because he has been sick for most of it. It was hard for me to listen to his complaining. He complains quite often. I can not bring it to his attention because he tries to turn the conversation around and says that I am the one who complains often. I do complain, but when I am sick I do prefer to be left alone, but I will not complain about it or get mad at him for trying. Men can be like children.

It does suck to be him with a headache and for me as well. I want him to feel better. Tomorrow is a new day and we can only see then. It is late at night here and everyone has gone to bed except me who is blogging. I am with my rose wine and typing away anything that comes to my mind. There is so much to tell being in Germany. I can not possible explain all the sights, sounds and smells that surround me and lift my spirits to a new level of relaxation. I guess it is also because I am not working here either.

Tomorrow will be another day of relaxation and just hanging around and on Thursday we are heading to Karlsruhe to visit my mom's aunt and my oma. I am looking forward to it, but I am apprehensive about using my German, which I have not been able to practice at all. My oma is 85, It could be the last time I see her, so I am glad that she will meet her great grandson. He is the light of my life.

Paris.....the city of dirt, drunks....oh yeah and love.

We booked a ticket with Rainbow Tours to go to Paris for the week end. We booked it through the Reiseburo in Hannover. We left on Thursday night at 8pm. My mom agreed to take care of Markus. I was nervous to leave him, but my mom raised twins so I knew she could handle him. Tom and I did not have a honeymoon after we were married, so we thought it would be our romantic getaway/honeymoon/mini getaway without Markus.

It took 12 hours to get there from Hannover. Tom and I were so tired that we tried to sleep on the bus. We were listening to a conversation in English behind us. A 73 year old man was talking to a phillipino man, visiting is aunt for 3 months. He was talking about all his travels to Kuala Lumpar, Australia, Guam etc. He has travelled all over. He was a manager for an exporting company. However, he talked and talked and repeated himself. Yet, he had more energy than both Tom and I put together. He was a very energetic and friendly 73 yr old, who was married to a Korean woman whom he met in Korea when he was teaching English and German there. His wife only spoke Korean and German and not a word of English. We understood each other. I was afraid my German was not so good, so I did not attempt to speak it, but I understood everything well. We stopped along the way for three bathroom breaks and snacks. The first place we stopped at it cost 70 cents to go to the washroom. I was appalled. At the entrance to the washrooms, there are bars and you put the money in and the bar will open. They have a lower entrance, where kids can just walk through because kids are free. I could not believe that they charge you to use your bladder. It reminded me of George Orwell's book "1984" where he talked about the thought police and how big brother is watching your every move and no one has any freedom anymore over their own minds and body.

We arrived in Paris at 8am, we took a city tour and checked into our hotels at around 12pm. The first place we went to was the sacre cure, I can't spell it, it's a French cathedral. It was situated on the top of a hill. We walked up a cobble stone path surrounded by little souvenir shops. We got to a huge fence lined with gold. We walked up another hill. There was a merry-go-round, not working. Furthermore, there was a round walk way up the hill. One could also take the stairs. Immediately we were harassed by peddlers wanting us to buy things. They were black and spoke English and they were trying to make an african bracelet and ask for money for these green, red and black string bracelets. Tom had to save me a few times. They do not take no for an answer. The peddlers in France are really aggressive.

While, we had a lot of free time before the sightseeing tour began in the evening, we went to take a walk in the city, where the Eiffel tower stood in the distance. The water ran through the city with boat tours going every hour. We had steak and fries in a restaurant for a fairly good price for steak. It was very nice to be able to sit with Tom and listen to him speak french with the people to get us around. Most people in the heart of Paris speak English because they are tourists as well.

My first impression was that Paris is a very dirty city. People litter and do not care. They throw their cigarette butts on the ground without a care in the world and don't put them out. I think what if a child comes a long and picks it up and takes a puff. That is just my worried brain. I can't help but worry about situations that have not even happened but they could happen. I have been like that ever since I had Markus.

We met the tour guide along with the rest of the group for the sightseeing tour around 8pm. At first, we thought the tour guide was very condescending and patronizing because of how he talked to us. We later realized that he has been doing this a very long long time and so he will state things in a sharp way because in his experience people do not respect or listen to the rules. I get that. Moving on, it was getting darker and the city lights came on. We walked through the streets of Paris. There were no cars, only cobble stone, outdoor cafe's, souvenir shops and from a distance, the Eiffel tower lit up the city as well. I came across a walk way that reminded me of Van Gogh's painting "Starry Night". It was exactly like the cafe. It was gorgeous, I had to take a picture. We also drank red wine in the streets of Paris without hassle from the police. I understood, why they called it the city of love. When the buildings are lit up and the people come out to play music with their violins, guitars, piano etc, then you can't see the litter on the ground, broken beer bottles or wine bottles on the streets and cigarette butts. Your focus is then turned else where.

We only slept in the hotel for 6 hours, before we had to get up again to eat breakfast and be at the bus at 8am. We were very tired. The first stop was to the castle Versailles. So much open space. The fence was outlined in gold platings, the castle was grand with it's white and gold trim. The ground was a red tone color. The sun was also beating down. It was about 30 degrees. Inside, we saw paintings done by Mary Antoinette, the wife of Lois 14th, I believe. He had many wives. They all did back then. We learned about Charles de Guale and Henry the 8th etc. We walked down the famous hall of mirrors. It was amazing!

We stuck by the group and talked to people, getting to know them, we talked in English. We met an Australian, from Melbourne, who complained about how it is going into their winter and it is about 10 or 15 degrees right now. Tom sarcastically said "OHHHHH, Oh no". We could not feel sorry for that, while in Canada, we get into the negatives.

The tour ended at 12;45pm and after that we drove back to Paris and had the rest of the afternoon free before meeting for the boat tour at 9:30. We had a lot of time. We walked to the Eiffel tower, to sit in the park, have an ice cream and coke. Tom started to feel sick, his throat started to close up and he could only whisper. Poor Tom, we were so tired and I guess him immune system was letting him know that it was enough now. After bird watching and people watching in the park, we walked all the way to Notre Dame. It took us one hour to get there. We were exhausted. We could not enjoy it thoroughly by the end. We continued to walk all over the city, we walked for 7 hours straight. When evening hit, we were so hungry. Walking in the inner city was a huge pain in the butt because of all the people. Also, there were people forcefully trying to get us to come into their restaurant to eat. We ended up leaving each place we walked in to if we felt pressured. We eventually found a pizza place and we sat outside and had a great meal. The pizza's were huge. Tom had an egg in the center of his pizza. There will be pictures to come. I just have not figured out how to put them on the site yet. I just want to get my thoughts out before I forget. So, I am typing fast without worrying about grammar and spelling.

Now, it's 9:30pm. Tom can not talk at all. We are both sneezing and coughing and the thought of still having a boat tour to go on is draining. We were counting the hours that we had before we can rest our heads on the fine leather seats in the bus. We walked to the boats, this was another half an hour. We waited in line which was another hour and we were packed in like cattle going to the slaughter house. We were dehydrated and in desperate need of water. I spent twice as much for water because I had to buy it there, once I got in the gates because there was no convenience store to be found near the touristy spots. The Eiffel tower started to flash bright lights. People were taking out their camera's, they were ohing and awing.

People were on the boat in front of us Kissing and hugging. To the left of us, kissing and hugging. To the right of us kissing and hugging. Here Tom and I were coughing and sneezing and complaining. The tour took an hour and a half. We were cold, sick, tired and we managed a few little kisses on the lips here or there, but not much. Finally, we were on the bus. The tour guide told us that he would take us on a city tour again with the bus before leaving. It was already 11pm. Oh well, it did not matter at this point, I was going to sleep through it, at least I was warm and on the bus. Tom and I slept. So I don't know exactly what time we left Paris. But I remember, waking up and the sun was peering around the corner, it was just waking up as well. We stopped for Paris and it was just 4 more hours to go before getting to Hannover. We arrived in Hannover at 12:30pm. Mom and Markus were waiting for us at the bus stop. We exchanged emails with the people we had met. The philipinno woman introduced herself to my mother and said that she had a wonderful daughter. It was nice to hear. Markus was smiling from ear to ear. Mom said he was the perfect child, he did not cry, but he knew we were gone. He wanted to come to me right away and he would not let me go. I was so happy to be back. Happy that I had the experience of being in Paris and now I know what I know. Happy that I was back with Markus and happy that I do not live in Paris.

Paris.....city of love. You will forever be in my heart, but my heart is wherever, my son and husband are.

Saturday, oh Saturday

Cleaned the condo this morning, not dressed, have lots of time to spare. I read to Markus, played some number puzzles with him, while Tom is in the bedroom, door closed working on the computer for work. Markus is now on the phone with Grandpa, my dad, so I have time to write. I figure, I will bath Markus and myself at around 5pm, eat and by 7pm Tom's parents will be here to drive us to the airport. We are all packed. I am worried we are taking too much with the car seat and stroller. For dinner, we will finish some left over pasta I made yesterday. I am getting excited and nervous for take off. Especially since the plane may bother Markus's ears as we are taking off. I bought some jube jubes, the toddler kind for him to suck on as we are taking off.

I have tried to explain to Markus that we are going on an airplane, I used his toy plane to show him. He just wanted me to give him the toy plane. I don't think he understands yet. He said the word "juice" today. I was so proud. He is saying more and more now. It won't be long now said the monkey who cut his tail. I heard that expression when i was in Ireland, so I imagine it being said with an Irish accent. I thought it was hilarious the first time I heard it, I use it to this day as my own.

Anyway, I will keep you posted on how my mom and her boyfriend are, Germany, where we will go and what Markus's reaction is to the plane, seeing his Oma for the second time and Christian for the first time. Hopefully, everything goes well. Bon voyage! or Viele Gute Reise!!!!!

One more sleep before Germany!

It is summer weather already, hot, sunny and did I mention sweating hot!!!! Well, my mom told me to bring my spring clothes to Germany, it is cold, damp and windy, although we are hoping for a few very hot days at least once during our stay. So, I had to add more clothing to the suitcase, in which I only packed summer clothing for very warm weather. I included a pair of jeans, long sleeved top and sweater to my summer clothing pile. Now, I just have to pack Tom and Markus's clothing. I am hoping to do that by tonight and tomorrow, I will clean, that way when Tom's parents come to take us to the airport we can just leave. So, it is fries and chicken strips for dinner tonight, since I did not go shopping for the past week. We have to use up what is already in the condo.

Markus and Christian are so calm now, watching sesame street. I enjoy those moments. Immediately after Christian arrived, they ran to my bedroom to jump on the bed. His mom and I heard high pitched laughter and loud voices. His mom was telling me what she brought for his lunch, a tuna sandwich and some fruit. I was wondering if she would pay me today. I don't know if I just don't trust people, but I have a vibe that she will do anything to get out of paying. Sometimes, I let my anxiety get the best of me but usually, I get a vibe, like sniffing people out and I get a bad smell or something. Last night, when my sister and her husband were over, I was telling them how I feel that she will not pay me and I will have to ask for it. I was asking them how I should do that. I had a feeling she may want to cheap out of paying me the full amount she owes or that she will not bring the money and want to pay after I get back from Germany, which is not acceptable to me. Anyhow, as I kind of thought, I had to bring it up this morning and she said she would have to get the money from her house after her lunch break. I asked her how much she was planning on paying me today and she said $200.00. So, I was happy with that. I just have to wait for when she picks him up. I hope there are no problems as I am already feeling anxiety now about the pay.

On a brighter, less anxious note. My sister had her 11 week ultra sound. When Roger asked me what I thought of the picture, I said that it looks like a baby is in there. It looked exactly the way Markus looked when I went for my 12 week appointment. I couldn't help but think about how I told Tom not to come because we wouldn't be able to see anything. Well, I was wrong and I regret that he was not there because I felt so overwhelmed and immediately connected to this child. Instantly, I could not wait to get to know him, see what he looks like. My heart was skipping a beat and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of possibilities, happiness and at the same time sadness with the worry that something could go wrong. At that point, I would not be able to bare it, if anything did go wrong. That baby, boy or girl was mine and I loved it automatically. It was a living, breathing "to be" person. It was the "miracle of life" that I thought was a cliche to say, but now I know exactly what it meant. However, when I asked my sister, she said she felt nothing. Roger cried, but she felt nothing. I think she is more worried because it took her effort to conceive this baby, where as with me, there was no effort. Markus was not planned. She and her husband had been trying for so long, so now I think she does not want to get too close to this baby for fear that something still could go wrong. She just needs time to feel it I suppose.

I gave the boys some grapes, while watching sesame street. They took the grapes and put them on the glass table and spilled the water out of the bowl and threw the bowl on the ground. I just cleaned the water and put the grapes back in the bowl. The got excited to see me doing something, so now they are throwing shoes and saying "oh oh". I clean the shoes about 5 times a day after he threw them all out of the closet. I have to just sit back and "sigh" and let them have their fun for now.

Yesterday, while Yoshe slept, after Christian had left, which he cried a lot because getting him ready to leave was a task within itself. I am glad that he loves it here so much. In any case, I made a marble cheesecake brownie. It was delicious. We only have a few pieces left today. I also made a salmon pasta salad and Tom ate it all. I could not believe it, he loved it so much. Yoshe ate all the soup and I had to put pizza in the oven because I did not make enough food apparently, for their hungry tummies. My sister tends to make demands as well, she kept demanding things while she was here. I think her husband is very patient to put up with a woman like her.

One more sleep until Germany.............yah, nah, yah, nah. I am so indecisive on how I feel about this. Oh the anticipation.

Germany Saturday.

There are so many things to do before leaving to Germany on Saturday. We are visiting my mom and her boyfriend. We are only going for two weeks, but it is a much needed break. We decided to go before Markus turns 2 because he is free. We are going with Air Transat. It is the only airline, I ever fly. Not just because it is a chartered airline and therefore cheaper, but because, I like the aircraft, I like the seating, the size etc. Many people complain that there is not enough leg room, it is too small and uncomfortable, including my mother. When she came in late August last year, I booked her ticket from Canada, because if I left it up to her, I would have never gotten her over here. I booked her with Air Transat and she complained. I know that in 2001, Air Transat was flying from Toronto to Lisbon, when mid flight, the aircraft blew a fuel leak and ran our of fuel. The pilot had to fly the plane on gliding and they had to land in the Azores. The passengers on the plane were terrified, they had no power, they did not know if they were going to go down. In the end, the pilot managed to get everyone safely to ground and no one was injured. He was said to be a hero. Mayday made a show out of the event. Later it was discovered that when they were doing maintenance on the plane, they used a wrong valve to hold the fuel. Mid flight, the valve broke, therefore the accident was Air Transat's fault. To this day, Air Transat had to pay the highest amount any airline ever had to pay. It was over half a million dollars for the mistake they made. Am I nervous to fly? Yes, I am, especially with a toddler on my lap. Yet, I have always flown Air Transat.

So, I can mark one thing off my check list, I paid my deposit for teacher's college, so it is final, I am going. Now, I have to clean and pack. There is still time to do that and while I babysit today and tomorrow, I will not clean because it will get messy again. I have tried to explain to Markus that he will be going on a plane. I don't know if he understands. Yesterday, he kept bringing Tom shoes from the closet. The shoes matched, so he brought them in pairs to try to put on Tom's feet. He pointed at the shoes and said "shoe, shoe, shoe" in a high pitched voice. The more we clapped and cheered that he said his first real word, aside from momma and dadda, the more he said it and tried to repeat other words. Tom looked at my toes, he usually clips my toe nails for me. Don't laugh, it feels good when he does them for me. Well, Markus came to my toes and repeated "toes". He was on a role. These are some of the best moments of being a parent, watching your kids copy you and say words for the first time and clap because they see their parents doing it. It makes my heart skip with happiness, be able to witness these little milestones.

Now, I know when I write, I jump all over the place from one event to another. This is just a part of my scattered little brain trying to get everything in, so I don't forget. I write the way I think and just want to get my thoughts out. So, with that being said, I wanted to mention a moment I was not proud of yesterday. I was on the phone with my good friend Andra and I was complaining about Christian's mom. In my perception, she has a very negative demeanor and feels that the world owes her something because she has had a hard life, being an immigrant and all. First, I had agreed to babysit both her kids for 20 dollars a day, I am not a family member or friend. I am a stranger and no one else would do it for that low otherwise. I am convinced at the beginning, she did say 25 a day and once I was sucked in, then she says there was this misunderstanding. I believe this was all a part of her plan. Once you are sucked in, it is hard to get out, especially when it comes to children. However, I am glad Christian loves it here and cries when he has to leave, I do find him difficult. Yesterday, he hit Markus and I yelled at him very loudly while I was on the phone with Andra. I gave him a time out. Also, with him being potty trained, he uses Markus's potty and I have to wipe him and then clean out the potty. I would rather have him in diapers, not too mention the times, he has wet himself because he told me too late. I have to wash his underwear before his mom comes. Also, she does not always bring enough lunch for them. So, I may be making 20 dollars, but I am spending 5 or more on food, kleenex, toilet paper. When his mother picks him up, all I hear are demands and complaints. She asked if I would tutor her daughter in reading and writing. I feel like she is trying to get things for free, but her approach is all backwards. It is not in a nice, friendly, warm way, but in a people owe me kind of way because my life has been hard. An example, when I first noticed this was when I told her two weeks ago, that I was going to Germany and I was excited because my Oma will get to see him for the first time, she said "we have relatives in Uruguay that have never seen our children". She also made a comment "everyone has money but me". So, instead of saying have a good time and thank you for babysitting for so little, you are really helping me out, she makes comments that are meant to make me feel guilty. She has also tried to make me feel guilty because now she does not know who will babysit Markus while I am away. At first, I mentioned my friend Christina, who lives in 507, down the hall. She agreed to do it when I told her it was 25 dollars a day, when I told her it was less, she said no. The other day, out of desperation, she said to me, ask your friend Christina and I will pay her 25 a day. Not once did she have concern that she is not paying me that, it was like a blow in the face. I thought, you are able to pay that much but I am enabling you to take advantage of me. It makes me angry. I don't want to feel resentment towards Christian, but when he acts out, I do. In any case, I was not proud about how I complained to Andra and yelled at him, while I was on the phone etc. I sounded like a horrible person and I felt like a horrible person for feeling this way. So, I have decided that I will see how she pays me on Friday and that will determine if I continue to do this for her or not.

After my rant, I feel better and I must get ready for when Christian arrives.

Best wedding ever!!!!

On Saturday, we went to Port Dover. It was my good friend Dave and Jillian's wedding. I had never been to Port Dover, I did not even know there was such a place as Port Dover. It was an hour drive from Cambridge. Although, it was bad luck (if you believe in that) that it was cold, rainy and windy. It was so nice and sunny the day before and the day after, it was just that day. Not to mention that when we arrived, we did not know what kind of town or city it was, what to expect and what kind of people live there. Apparently, as we were driving in, there was nothing to see, except for biker shops. It is a biker town. As we drove, closer to the lake, where the wedding was to take place, there were huge, castle like houses, with blue doors, balconies, three or four garages, several cars, including BMW's in the driveway. I commented "so this is where the rich people go, in the middle of nowhere, in a biker town, situated right on the lake, so they can relax and be away from everything, I had no idea".

We arrived where we saw tons of cars, in the mud, along the long driveway and a huge tent, where we assumed the wedding would be taking place outside. I was not exactly dressed for the weather. I was wearing a black lace skirt, with the pink flower embroidered top, that Tom's parents bought me, with a black satin, night shirt underneath and black, rather high high heels with a bow on top. Luckily, I did bring a change of clothing and shoes, if it got too cold. My heels kept sinking into the mud, so walking was difficult, but I was determined to look nice, when I hardly ever get a chance to dress up, it may be once a year when an opportunity like this happens.

The wedding was a circus theme, so they had popcorn on the table, buckets of candy and wine. Dave also had circus theme games, like ball throwing and a painting with siamese twins, a giant and a midget but the faces were cut out, so we could take a picture with our faces in the wooden painting. It was real fun. There was a dessert table, that looked like it could have been in a German bakery. There were three cakes side by side, one chocolate and two vanilla. The two vanilla ones had a huge "D" for Dave and the other a "J" for Jillian. The chocolate that was placed in the front had the bride and groom on the cake. There were other desserts, such as cookies, lemon meringue pie, apple pie, cherry pie, chocolate cookies, old fashioned candies, such as a huge lollipop on a stick that will take forever to eat, that surrounded the cakes.

I saw a lot of familiar faces, where memories came rushing back and I felt a bit emotional. For each person, I have a story to tell. I have many stories of Dave of course. I wonder if they look back with fondness and remember them the way I do. I saw Shane, a close friend of Dave's, who is a nurse. I met his wife and four month old son, very cute. I never thought Shane would be the type to get married. I remember his dad use to have a hot tub in his home and that is where Dave would take pictures of me for his portfolio. Those were good times. Shane would always joke, that he has a rule for people who use his hot tub, that is no one is allowed to wear swim suits and if anyone feels frisky and wants to have sex, he gets to watch. His best man speech was the funniest, I had ever heard and it was close to the heart. I saw another friend of Dave's, Ben. I remember, how he helped me with one assignment in university. He told me the story of how he hated university and he once had this stupid essay to write on what they thought of on some piece of art. In any case, he wanted to show the professor how stupid he thought the assignment was and so he quoted cartoon characters such as Bart Simpson and South Park. He got an A for the way it was written, but it was followed by a lecture from the professor about respect. Ben is manic depressive and he is on this medication that makes him shake. I always admired Ben's desire to push away from the mainstream views of "normal" and be his own person. He was wearing jeans, a plaid shirt and a feather scarf that he got at the dollar shop. There was one time I remember, when Ben dropped Dave and Yoshe off in front of his house and before I could get out, he drove off and then asked me to go for coffee. We came back two hours later. Dave and Yoshe were talking to his mom and the joke became that he kidnapped me because that is the only way he can get a date. I told them I was just as surprised as they were and I was, but I thought he was so funny. To this day, it remains the best way a man as ever asked me on a coffee date.

Bob Mcnair was there. He worked at the university of Waterloo in the art department. He was taking pictures for Dave's wedding. We used to model for him as well. We met his daughter and her boyfriend. His daughter knew an old boyfriend of both my sister and I. He was the boy next door and rebound boy as we used to call him. She explained how he is a big kid and always will be, so no he is not married, no children and plays guitar in a band. No surprise.

I also saw Dave's mom and twin sister, whom I met when I went to Vancouver for the first time with Dave 10 yrs ago and was introduced to his cousin and we started dating. It didn't work out, but we are still in touch through facebook. Randy is now a doctor and in a long term relationship. I was disappointed that I did not see Randy there. He couldn't make it because of work. I have fond memories of that time in Vancouver with Dave and meeting his family. Not all the memories were so good. Dave did not like that his cousin and I liked each other and half way through the trip he started to feel like a third wheel. Dave handled it well and let it go. He was even there for me, when I realized that things were not going to work out and he did not judge me, but instead he talked me through my feelings of resentment, anger and loss. Things worked out as they should. I am here now, and was thrilled to share this day with my old friend Dave, the man who sent me a photo of himself, wearing nothing but a towel over his penis when i was lonely in Japan to cheer me up. He was at the airport waiting for me, after being in Japan for one year and he was there to greet me with his sense of humour, smile and big bear hug that he is famous in my books for. He is the guy, I would ride on the back of his moto bike with and when we got scared because a bee flew into his helmut as we cruisin' on the highway. It never stung him, but he was sweating buckets as he kept his cool, telling me to calm down or we'll die. Ahhhh, good times. He deserves this so much. His mom, was emotional and told us that is not everyday, that a woman will come along and say "Hey, could I live in the back of your studio and clean it up for you and cook in that tiny kitchen as well", but low and behold a woman came along and did. Cleanliness and organization was not Dave's strong suit.

We picked Markus up at the grandparents the next day. He was sleeping. Tom's mom and sister were on their way out to go shopping and they asked us to fend for ourselves. I swear sometime's I think my MIL thinks we are dumb and need instructions for everything. She tells us the obvious, such as don't wake Markus, food is in the fridge and change Markus when he wakes up. Whenever, I pick Markus up, after he had stayed the night, I feel like she thinks she is his mother and she can do a better job than me. We nodded our heads and said fine. What more could we say. My MIL can be nice but with a sharp edge to her, there is not a lot of warmth, but she is very caring and she hides it. She is like the mother hen who has to take care of everyone, even if they do not need caring for.

We were to meet my dad at 4pm, which I have not seen him for a long while. In any case, Markus was still sleeping at 3:30pm, I had to wake him. By this time, Tom's mom and sister had returned. Markus was moody and did not want me to put him down, he did not want to be with his aunt or grandma, he only wanted me. I think, he felt that if he lets go of me, we will leave him again, all kids go through this stage. In any case, my MIL said "he is like this because you did wake him and he was not ready to be woken". She kept repeating that I had woken him, I finally said "I know, I was there". Markus is always like this after he wakes up, whether I wake him or not. He has always been like this for about 20 minutes after waking up and then he is fine again.

After going out to eat with my dad, sister and BIL, and off to Victoria Park, which I have not been in a long time, we went back to Tom's parents. We picked up luggage that we will be taking to Germany with us this Saturday. Another thing, is that my MIL has to control and be apart of everything, I guess it is just in her nature to be the busy bee. Again, with stating things that are not necessary such as "don't spend too much money there". Tom said what I was thinking, "if we spend money we do and if we don't we don't, leave that up to us ok". She retorted back that she would tell his sister that after we left anyway, so we don't have to listen but she has a right to say it. I thought, well we also have a right to say what we say then. It doesn't mean anything. Some things go without saying, but if we don't spend money, we don't want it to be because she told us not to. The thing is that even though she doesn't realize it, she has planted the seed in Tom's mind. I can see this from being the outsider. Anyhow, his parents are driving us to the airport and picking us up and if all they want is to be involved in their kids life, it's not such a bad thing. Their good folks. I just wish the approach would be less annoying.

Yesterday, with it being the long week end and such a sunny, warm day, we took Markus to the park. I have a bit of a sun burn now. Thankfully, I put sunscreen on Markus, so he does not. We also watched the movie Apollo 13 because of a discussion we had in the car the night before. I saw it in 95' when it first came out. I wanted to see if I would have a different perspective now, since I now have a frame of reference, whereas before, I did not know anything about space and Neil Armstrong etc. I was only a teenager. I saw it through different lenses this time round and was able to appreciate it more and learn something, I did not know before. However, I still did not like the movie that much and found a lot of it to be boring, but at least now, I gained new insight at the same time.

So, I went through my long week end. It was pretty good and exciting, but today, I am waiting for an email from teacher's college so that I can select my practicum and I am babysitting and I am out of diapers for Markus, so I can not wait until his mom picks the other boy up, so I can run out for diapers. Today, is a good day to start potty training, I suppose.

Things have a way of working out, for sure....that's awesome!!!!

On Saturday, I was on the phone with my dad. I feel kind of silly now, looking back. At that moment, even though I have to constantly struggle to stay positive, I started complaining to my dad and feeling sorry for myself. I was complaining about how life is not fair. I applied for teachers college at the same time as my identical twin sister. She was accepted and I was not. I applied at the same time as my brother in law, he was accepted and I was not. Too top it off, there was a miscommunication with the woman I sit for and she only wanted to pay $3.00/hr for her child. When I start babysitting her 8 yr old daughter as well, she would like to pay $20.00/day for both children. Therefore, I am getting a lot less than most daycare providers and I did not get paid as much as I thought I would on Friday. In any case, the list went on of the number of things that I felt were not fair to me. Of course, my dad who is on disability, whom I never had a great relationship with was just happy that I was talking to him. He loves to know that he can help me. However, he got frustrated because he felt I was not listening to his advice. At that moment of heightened anxiety and frustration, Tom and Markus walked in from checking the mail box and Tom dropped a huge envelope in my lap. It was from Western University. They were offering my a placement in their faculty of education program for september. Upon opening the letter, my heart was racing. I only read the first line that stated: "we are pleased to offer you....." I burst into tears. I was sobbing loudly. My dad was on the other end of the line shouting "What!!!!! What happened!!!" Through tears, I told him I was accepted and that I was so sorry for complaining. It is easy to feel down all the time and as if life has not been kind. I felt so guilty and I decided to start anew on Sunday. This is a good thing and these happy, exciting moments are unfortunately the moments we forget. I wanted to write this moment down as a reminder to hold on to it and cherish the good that does happen. Now, there is a lot more worries that come with being accepted like finding a place to live, applying for osap, worrying about practicum placement, worrying about what will happen with Markus, etc. However, just for that moment that I saw the letter, I need to remember how I felt. These are one of the few times in life where I can truly sit back and say...Awesome!

On sunday, Tom wanted to take me to Benh Thang, a vietnamese restaurant. We used to go to one in Cambridge all the time. We recently found one in Mississauga and we were so happy. It was a celebratory lunch for getting accepted. Afterwards, he was going to go to the library and work on his application idea that he wants to create for the Imac computer. I cleaned a little and then when the library closed, we were going to go grocery shopping. Instead, his parents called last minute, asking if they could come over. There goes that anxiety again. Calm down my beating heart. I had no food to offer. Tom told them that all we could offer was coffee or tea. They brought bread, strawberries, grapes and cheeses. So we had coffee with sandwiches. Christina, my MIL wanted to buy Markus sandals for our trip to Germany. So off we went to the shopping mall across the street, Square one, which some people say is the second largest mall in Canada. However, that is not true. The one in Vancouver is. In any case, she bought him a very nice pair of blue sandals, with a turtle on the top. His parents also went to Eddie bower to buy me a top, that I would never buy for myself because it is ridiculously expensive. My first clothing item from an expensive clothing store, that's not vintage. They wanted to do something nice for me to show support with me going to teacher's college. I really love his parents. I am not always sure how to talk to them or how to act because they are quite conservative and even Tom has admitted that he does not know either. He was always worried about pleasing them and to this day still is because he feels that they are critical of many things. I do see it, but they are very loving people who always wanted the best for their children.

Monday morning, Christian and Markus are tearing the couches apart. As long as they are laughing and I do not hear screaming as of yet, I am good to continue writing. I am also going to babysit my friend, Magda's children for a few hours, while she gets her hair done. She has a 2 yr old Charlie, who is not very social. He likes to watch a lot of tv and be by himself. Her daughter Madelaine is 3, soon to be 4. She is very hyperactive and I like to call her the informer. She will tell on everyone, sure enough none of the other children will be able to do anything without her knowing and telling an adult what the others are doing. It will be a crazy day, but I am up for it.

I was just thinking, how much I love my husband. He is the best!!!!We fight, but when push comes to shove, he is really there for me when I need him the most. I am lucky to have him as my best friend and everything. He is more on the quite side sometimes, which I wish he would just initiate conversation sometimes, because I don't always know what to say either. But, that's him and I love him anyway. Today's a good day.