Saturday, oh Saturday

Cleaned the condo this morning, not dressed, have lots of time to spare. I read to Markus, played some number puzzles with him, while Tom is in the bedroom, door closed working on the computer for work. Markus is now on the phone with Grandpa, my dad, so I have time to write. I figure, I will bath Markus and myself at around 5pm, eat and by 7pm Tom's parents will be here to drive us to the airport. We are all packed. I am worried we are taking too much with the car seat and stroller. For dinner, we will finish some left over pasta I made yesterday. I am getting excited and nervous for take off. Especially since the plane may bother Markus's ears as we are taking off. I bought some jube jubes, the toddler kind for him to suck on as we are taking off.

I have tried to explain to Markus that we are going on an airplane, I used his toy plane to show him. He just wanted me to give him the toy plane. I don't think he understands yet. He said the word "juice" today. I was so proud. He is saying more and more now. It won't be long now said the monkey who cut his tail. I heard that expression when i was in Ireland, so I imagine it being said with an Irish accent. I thought it was hilarious the first time I heard it, I use it to this day as my own.

Anyway, I will keep you posted on how my mom and her boyfriend are, Germany, where we will go and what Markus's reaction is to the plane, seeing his Oma for the second time and Christian for the first time. Hopefully, everything goes well. Bon voyage! or Viele Gute Reise!!!!!

One more sleep before Germany!

It is summer weather already, hot, sunny and did I mention sweating hot!!!! Well, my mom told me to bring my spring clothes to Germany, it is cold, damp and windy, although we are hoping for a few very hot days at least once during our stay. So, I had to add more clothing to the suitcase, in which I only packed summer clothing for very warm weather. I included a pair of jeans, long sleeved top and sweater to my summer clothing pile. Now, I just have to pack Tom and Markus's clothing. I am hoping to do that by tonight and tomorrow, I will clean, that way when Tom's parents come to take us to the airport we can just leave. So, it is fries and chicken strips for dinner tonight, since I did not go shopping for the past week. We have to use up what is already in the condo.

Markus and Christian are so calm now, watching sesame street. I enjoy those moments. Immediately after Christian arrived, they ran to my bedroom to jump on the bed. His mom and I heard high pitched laughter and loud voices. His mom was telling me what she brought for his lunch, a tuna sandwich and some fruit. I was wondering if she would pay me today. I don't know if I just don't trust people, but I have a vibe that she will do anything to get out of paying. Sometimes, I let my anxiety get the best of me but usually, I get a vibe, like sniffing people out and I get a bad smell or something. Last night, when my sister and her husband were over, I was telling them how I feel that she will not pay me and I will have to ask for it. I was asking them how I should do that. I had a feeling she may want to cheap out of paying me the full amount she owes or that she will not bring the money and want to pay after I get back from Germany, which is not acceptable to me. Anyhow, as I kind of thought, I had to bring it up this morning and she said she would have to get the money from her house after her lunch break. I asked her how much she was planning on paying me today and she said $200.00. So, I was happy with that. I just have to wait for when she picks him up. I hope there are no problems as I am already feeling anxiety now about the pay.

On a brighter, less anxious note. My sister had her 11 week ultra sound. When Roger asked me what I thought of the picture, I said that it looks like a baby is in there. It looked exactly the way Markus looked when I went for my 12 week appointment. I couldn't help but think about how I told Tom not to come because we wouldn't be able to see anything. Well, I was wrong and I regret that he was not there because I felt so overwhelmed and immediately connected to this child. Instantly, I could not wait to get to know him, see what he looks like. My heart was skipping a beat and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of possibilities, happiness and at the same time sadness with the worry that something could go wrong. At that point, I would not be able to bare it, if anything did go wrong. That baby, boy or girl was mine and I loved it automatically. It was a living, breathing "to be" person. It was the "miracle of life" that I thought was a cliche to say, but now I know exactly what it meant. However, when I asked my sister, she said she felt nothing. Roger cried, but she felt nothing. I think she is more worried because it took her effort to conceive this baby, where as with me, there was no effort. Markus was not planned. She and her husband had been trying for so long, so now I think she does not want to get too close to this baby for fear that something still could go wrong. She just needs time to feel it I suppose.

I gave the boys some grapes, while watching sesame street. They took the grapes and put them on the glass table and spilled the water out of the bowl and threw the bowl on the ground. I just cleaned the water and put the grapes back in the bowl. The got excited to see me doing something, so now they are throwing shoes and saying "oh oh". I clean the shoes about 5 times a day after he threw them all out of the closet. I have to just sit back and "sigh" and let them have their fun for now.

Yesterday, while Yoshe slept, after Christian had left, which he cried a lot because getting him ready to leave was a task within itself. I am glad that he loves it here so much. In any case, I made a marble cheesecake brownie. It was delicious. We only have a few pieces left today. I also made a salmon pasta salad and Tom ate it all. I could not believe it, he loved it so much. Yoshe ate all the soup and I had to put pizza in the oven because I did not make enough food apparently, for their hungry tummies. My sister tends to make demands as well, she kept demanding things while she was here. I think her husband is very patient to put up with a woman like her.

One more sleep until Germany.............yah, nah, yah, nah. I am so indecisive on how I feel about this. Oh the anticipation.

Germany Saturday.

There are so many things to do before leaving to Germany on Saturday. We are visiting my mom and her boyfriend. We are only going for two weeks, but it is a much needed break. We decided to go before Markus turns 2 because he is free. We are going with Air Transat. It is the only airline, I ever fly. Not just because it is a chartered airline and therefore cheaper, but because, I like the aircraft, I like the seating, the size etc. Many people complain that there is not enough leg room, it is too small and uncomfortable, including my mother. When she came in late August last year, I booked her ticket from Canada, because if I left it up to her, I would have never gotten her over here. I booked her with Air Transat and she complained. I know that in 2001, Air Transat was flying from Toronto to Lisbon, when mid flight, the aircraft blew a fuel leak and ran our of fuel. The pilot had to fly the plane on gliding and they had to land in the Azores. The passengers on the plane were terrified, they had no power, they did not know if they were going to go down. In the end, the pilot managed to get everyone safely to ground and no one was injured. He was said to be a hero. Mayday made a show out of the event. Later it was discovered that when they were doing maintenance on the plane, they used a wrong valve to hold the fuel. Mid flight, the valve broke, therefore the accident was Air Transat's fault. To this day, Air Transat had to pay the highest amount any airline ever had to pay. It was over half a million dollars for the mistake they made. Am I nervous to fly? Yes, I am, especially with a toddler on my lap. Yet, I have always flown Air Transat.

So, I can mark one thing off my check list, I paid my deposit for teacher's college, so it is final, I am going. Now, I have to clean and pack. There is still time to do that and while I babysit today and tomorrow, I will not clean because it will get messy again. I have tried to explain to Markus that he will be going on a plane. I don't know if he understands. Yesterday, he kept bringing Tom shoes from the closet. The shoes matched, so he brought them in pairs to try to put on Tom's feet. He pointed at the shoes and said "shoe, shoe, shoe" in a high pitched voice. The more we clapped and cheered that he said his first real word, aside from momma and dadda, the more he said it and tried to repeat other words. Tom looked at my toes, he usually clips my toe nails for me. Don't laugh, it feels good when he does them for me. Well, Markus came to my toes and repeated "toes". He was on a role. These are some of the best moments of being a parent, watching your kids copy you and say words for the first time and clap because they see their parents doing it. It makes my heart skip with happiness, be able to witness these little milestones.

Now, I know when I write, I jump all over the place from one event to another. This is just a part of my scattered little brain trying to get everything in, so I don't forget. I write the way I think and just want to get my thoughts out. So, with that being said, I wanted to mention a moment I was not proud of yesterday. I was on the phone with my good friend Andra and I was complaining about Christian's mom. In my perception, she has a very negative demeanor and feels that the world owes her something because she has had a hard life, being an immigrant and all. First, I had agreed to babysit both her kids for 20 dollars a day, I am not a family member or friend. I am a stranger and no one else would do it for that low otherwise. I am convinced at the beginning, she did say 25 a day and once I was sucked in, then she says there was this misunderstanding. I believe this was all a part of her plan. Once you are sucked in, it is hard to get out, especially when it comes to children. However, I am glad Christian loves it here and cries when he has to leave, I do find him difficult. Yesterday, he hit Markus and I yelled at him very loudly while I was on the phone with Andra. I gave him a time out. Also, with him being potty trained, he uses Markus's potty and I have to wipe him and then clean out the potty. I would rather have him in diapers, not too mention the times, he has wet himself because he told me too late. I have to wash his underwear before his mom comes. Also, she does not always bring enough lunch for them. So, I may be making 20 dollars, but I am spending 5 or more on food, kleenex, toilet paper. When his mother picks him up, all I hear are demands and complaints. She asked if I would tutor her daughter in reading and writing. I feel like she is trying to get things for free, but her approach is all backwards. It is not in a nice, friendly, warm way, but in a people owe me kind of way because my life has been hard. An example, when I first noticed this was when I told her two weeks ago, that I was going to Germany and I was excited because my Oma will get to see him for the first time, she said "we have relatives in Uruguay that have never seen our children". She also made a comment "everyone has money but me". So, instead of saying have a good time and thank you for babysitting for so little, you are really helping me out, she makes comments that are meant to make me feel guilty. She has also tried to make me feel guilty because now she does not know who will babysit Markus while I am away. At first, I mentioned my friend Christina, who lives in 507, down the hall. She agreed to do it when I told her it was 25 dollars a day, when I told her it was less, she said no. The other day, out of desperation, she said to me, ask your friend Christina and I will pay her 25 a day. Not once did she have concern that she is not paying me that, it was like a blow in the face. I thought, you are able to pay that much but I am enabling you to take advantage of me. It makes me angry. I don't want to feel resentment towards Christian, but when he acts out, I do. In any case, I was not proud about how I complained to Andra and yelled at him, while I was on the phone etc. I sounded like a horrible person and I felt like a horrible person for feeling this way. So, I have decided that I will see how she pays me on Friday and that will determine if I continue to do this for her or not.

After my rant, I feel better and I must get ready for when Christian arrives.

Best wedding ever!!!!

On Saturday, we went to Port Dover. It was my good friend Dave and Jillian's wedding. I had never been to Port Dover, I did not even know there was such a place as Port Dover. It was an hour drive from Cambridge. Although, it was bad luck (if you believe in that) that it was cold, rainy and windy. It was so nice and sunny the day before and the day after, it was just that day. Not to mention that when we arrived, we did not know what kind of town or city it was, what to expect and what kind of people live there. Apparently, as we were driving in, there was nothing to see, except for biker shops. It is a biker town. As we drove, closer to the lake, where the wedding was to take place, there were huge, castle like houses, with blue doors, balconies, three or four garages, several cars, including BMW's in the driveway. I commented "so this is where the rich people go, in the middle of nowhere, in a biker town, situated right on the lake, so they can relax and be away from everything, I had no idea".

We arrived where we saw tons of cars, in the mud, along the long driveway and a huge tent, where we assumed the wedding would be taking place outside. I was not exactly dressed for the weather. I was wearing a black lace skirt, with the pink flower embroidered top, that Tom's parents bought me, with a black satin, night shirt underneath and black, rather high high heels with a bow on top. Luckily, I did bring a change of clothing and shoes, if it got too cold. My heels kept sinking into the mud, so walking was difficult, but I was determined to look nice, when I hardly ever get a chance to dress up, it may be once a year when an opportunity like this happens.

The wedding was a circus theme, so they had popcorn on the table, buckets of candy and wine. Dave also had circus theme games, like ball throwing and a painting with siamese twins, a giant and a midget but the faces were cut out, so we could take a picture with our faces in the wooden painting. It was real fun. There was a dessert table, that looked like it could have been in a German bakery. There were three cakes side by side, one chocolate and two vanilla. The two vanilla ones had a huge "D" for Dave and the other a "J" for Jillian. The chocolate that was placed in the front had the bride and groom on the cake. There were other desserts, such as cookies, lemon meringue pie, apple pie, cherry pie, chocolate cookies, old fashioned candies, such as a huge lollipop on a stick that will take forever to eat, that surrounded the cakes.

I saw a lot of familiar faces, where memories came rushing back and I felt a bit emotional. For each person, I have a story to tell. I have many stories of Dave of course. I wonder if they look back with fondness and remember them the way I do. I saw Shane, a close friend of Dave's, who is a nurse. I met his wife and four month old son, very cute. I never thought Shane would be the type to get married. I remember his dad use to have a hot tub in his home and that is where Dave would take pictures of me for his portfolio. Those were good times. Shane would always joke, that he has a rule for people who use his hot tub, that is no one is allowed to wear swim suits and if anyone feels frisky and wants to have sex, he gets to watch. His best man speech was the funniest, I had ever heard and it was close to the heart. I saw another friend of Dave's, Ben. I remember, how he helped me with one assignment in university. He told me the story of how he hated university and he once had this stupid essay to write on what they thought of on some piece of art. In any case, he wanted to show the professor how stupid he thought the assignment was and so he quoted cartoon characters such as Bart Simpson and South Park. He got an A for the way it was written, but it was followed by a lecture from the professor about respect. Ben is manic depressive and he is on this medication that makes him shake. I always admired Ben's desire to push away from the mainstream views of "normal" and be his own person. He was wearing jeans, a plaid shirt and a feather scarf that he got at the dollar shop. There was one time I remember, when Ben dropped Dave and Yoshe off in front of his house and before I could get out, he drove off and then asked me to go for coffee. We came back two hours later. Dave and Yoshe were talking to his mom and the joke became that he kidnapped me because that is the only way he can get a date. I told them I was just as surprised as they were and I was, but I thought he was so funny. To this day, it remains the best way a man as ever asked me on a coffee date.

Bob Mcnair was there. He worked at the university of Waterloo in the art department. He was taking pictures for Dave's wedding. We used to model for him as well. We met his daughter and her boyfriend. His daughter knew an old boyfriend of both my sister and I. He was the boy next door and rebound boy as we used to call him. She explained how he is a big kid and always will be, so no he is not married, no children and plays guitar in a band. No surprise.

I also saw Dave's mom and twin sister, whom I met when I went to Vancouver for the first time with Dave 10 yrs ago and was introduced to his cousin and we started dating. It didn't work out, but we are still in touch through facebook. Randy is now a doctor and in a long term relationship. I was disappointed that I did not see Randy there. He couldn't make it because of work. I have fond memories of that time in Vancouver with Dave and meeting his family. Not all the memories were so good. Dave did not like that his cousin and I liked each other and half way through the trip he started to feel like a third wheel. Dave handled it well and let it go. He was even there for me, when I realized that things were not going to work out and he did not judge me, but instead he talked me through my feelings of resentment, anger and loss. Things worked out as they should. I am here now, and was thrilled to share this day with my old friend Dave, the man who sent me a photo of himself, wearing nothing but a towel over his penis when i was lonely in Japan to cheer me up. He was at the airport waiting for me, after being in Japan for one year and he was there to greet me with his sense of humour, smile and big bear hug that he is famous in my books for. He is the guy, I would ride on the back of his moto bike with and when we got scared because a bee flew into his helmut as we cruisin' on the highway. It never stung him, but he was sweating buckets as he kept his cool, telling me to calm down or we'll die. Ahhhh, good times. He deserves this so much. His mom, was emotional and told us that is not everyday, that a woman will come along and say "Hey, could I live in the back of your studio and clean it up for you and cook in that tiny kitchen as well", but low and behold a woman came along and did. Cleanliness and organization was not Dave's strong suit.

We picked Markus up at the grandparents the next day. He was sleeping. Tom's mom and sister were on their way out to go shopping and they asked us to fend for ourselves. I swear sometime's I think my MIL thinks we are dumb and need instructions for everything. She tells us the obvious, such as don't wake Markus, food is in the fridge and change Markus when he wakes up. Whenever, I pick Markus up, after he had stayed the night, I feel like she thinks she is his mother and she can do a better job than me. We nodded our heads and said fine. What more could we say. My MIL can be nice but with a sharp edge to her, there is not a lot of warmth, but she is very caring and she hides it. She is like the mother hen who has to take care of everyone, even if they do not need caring for.

We were to meet my dad at 4pm, which I have not seen him for a long while. In any case, Markus was still sleeping at 3:30pm, I had to wake him. By this time, Tom's mom and sister had returned. Markus was moody and did not want me to put him down, he did not want to be with his aunt or grandma, he only wanted me. I think, he felt that if he lets go of me, we will leave him again, all kids go through this stage. In any case, my MIL said "he is like this because you did wake him and he was not ready to be woken". She kept repeating that I had woken him, I finally said "I know, I was there". Markus is always like this after he wakes up, whether I wake him or not. He has always been like this for about 20 minutes after waking up and then he is fine again.

After going out to eat with my dad, sister and BIL, and off to Victoria Park, which I have not been in a long time, we went back to Tom's parents. We picked up luggage that we will be taking to Germany with us this Saturday. Another thing, is that my MIL has to control and be apart of everything, I guess it is just in her nature to be the busy bee. Again, with stating things that are not necessary such as "don't spend too much money there". Tom said what I was thinking, "if we spend money we do and if we don't we don't, leave that up to us ok". She retorted back that she would tell his sister that after we left anyway, so we don't have to listen but she has a right to say it. I thought, well we also have a right to say what we say then. It doesn't mean anything. Some things go without saying, but if we don't spend money, we don't want it to be because she told us not to. The thing is that even though she doesn't realize it, she has planted the seed in Tom's mind. I can see this from being the outsider. Anyhow, his parents are driving us to the airport and picking us up and if all they want is to be involved in their kids life, it's not such a bad thing. Their good folks. I just wish the approach would be less annoying.

Yesterday, with it being the long week end and such a sunny, warm day, we took Markus to the park. I have a bit of a sun burn now. Thankfully, I put sunscreen on Markus, so he does not. We also watched the movie Apollo 13 because of a discussion we had in the car the night before. I saw it in 95' when it first came out. I wanted to see if I would have a different perspective now, since I now have a frame of reference, whereas before, I did not know anything about space and Neil Armstrong etc. I was only a teenager. I saw it through different lenses this time round and was able to appreciate it more and learn something, I did not know before. However, I still did not like the movie that much and found a lot of it to be boring, but at least now, I gained new insight at the same time.

So, I went through my long week end. It was pretty good and exciting, but today, I am waiting for an email from teacher's college so that I can select my practicum and I am babysitting and I am out of diapers for Markus, so I can not wait until his mom picks the other boy up, so I can run out for diapers. Today, is a good day to start potty training, I suppose.

Things have a way of working out, for sure....that's awesome!!!!

On Saturday, I was on the phone with my dad. I feel kind of silly now, looking back. At that moment, even though I have to constantly struggle to stay positive, I started complaining to my dad and feeling sorry for myself. I was complaining about how life is not fair. I applied for teachers college at the same time as my identical twin sister. She was accepted and I was not. I applied at the same time as my brother in law, he was accepted and I was not. Too top it off, there was a miscommunication with the woman I sit for and she only wanted to pay $3.00/hr for her child. When I start babysitting her 8 yr old daughter as well, she would like to pay $20.00/day for both children. Therefore, I am getting a lot less than most daycare providers and I did not get paid as much as I thought I would on Friday. In any case, the list went on of the number of things that I felt were not fair to me. Of course, my dad who is on disability, whom I never had a great relationship with was just happy that I was talking to him. He loves to know that he can help me. However, he got frustrated because he felt I was not listening to his advice. At that moment of heightened anxiety and frustration, Tom and Markus walked in from checking the mail box and Tom dropped a huge envelope in my lap. It was from Western University. They were offering my a placement in their faculty of education program for september. Upon opening the letter, my heart was racing. I only read the first line that stated: "we are pleased to offer you....." I burst into tears. I was sobbing loudly. My dad was on the other end of the line shouting "What!!!!! What happened!!!" Through tears, I told him I was accepted and that I was so sorry for complaining. It is easy to feel down all the time and as if life has not been kind. I felt so guilty and I decided to start anew on Sunday. This is a good thing and these happy, exciting moments are unfortunately the moments we forget. I wanted to write this moment down as a reminder to hold on to it and cherish the good that does happen. Now, there is a lot more worries that come with being accepted like finding a place to live, applying for osap, worrying about practicum placement, worrying about what will happen with Markus, etc. However, just for that moment that I saw the letter, I need to remember how I felt. These are one of the few times in life where I can truly sit back and say...Awesome!

On sunday, Tom wanted to take me to Benh Thang, a vietnamese restaurant. We used to go to one in Cambridge all the time. We recently found one in Mississauga and we were so happy. It was a celebratory lunch for getting accepted. Afterwards, he was going to go to the library and work on his application idea that he wants to create for the Imac computer. I cleaned a little and then when the library closed, we were going to go grocery shopping. Instead, his parents called last minute, asking if they could come over. There goes that anxiety again. Calm down my beating heart. I had no food to offer. Tom told them that all we could offer was coffee or tea. They brought bread, strawberries, grapes and cheeses. So we had coffee with sandwiches. Christina, my MIL wanted to buy Markus sandals for our trip to Germany. So off we went to the shopping mall across the street, Square one, which some people say is the second largest mall in Canada. However, that is not true. The one in Vancouver is. In any case, she bought him a very nice pair of blue sandals, with a turtle on the top. His parents also went to Eddie bower to buy me a top, that I would never buy for myself because it is ridiculously expensive. My first clothing item from an expensive clothing store, that's not vintage. They wanted to do something nice for me to show support with me going to teacher's college. I really love his parents. I am not always sure how to talk to them or how to act because they are quite conservative and even Tom has admitted that he does not know either. He was always worried about pleasing them and to this day still is because he feels that they are critical of many things. I do see it, but they are very loving people who always wanted the best for their children.

Monday morning, Christian and Markus are tearing the couches apart. As long as they are laughing and I do not hear screaming as of yet, I am good to continue writing. I am also going to babysit my friend, Magda's children for a few hours, while she gets her hair done. She has a 2 yr old Charlie, who is not very social. He likes to watch a lot of tv and be by himself. Her daughter Madelaine is 3, soon to be 4. She is very hyperactive and I like to call her the informer. She will tell on everyone, sure enough none of the other children will be able to do anything without her knowing and telling an adult what the others are doing. It will be a crazy day, but I am up for it.

I was just thinking, how much I love my husband. He is the best!!!!We fight, but when push comes to shove, he is really there for me when I need him the most. I am lucky to have him as my best friend and everything. He is more on the quite side sometimes, which I wish he would just initiate conversation sometimes, because I don't always know what to say either. But, that's him and I love him anyway. Today's a good day.

Mommy daycare

I am now babysitting a cute 2 yr old. He looks like one of the characters from my favorite childhood books. Have you ever heard of the Tiggy series? He looks like Tiggy. His hair is dark and wild. It is adorable. I was actually approached by a woman in my condo, who cleans the building and she saw how I was with my son and asked if I could sit for her while she cleans. I gladly said yes, I thought it would be good for my son to have a playmate. Right now, I can hear them laughing and playing while jumping on the mattress I set out for them.

I was thinking of getting another child in here to sit for as well. That way, I would make an extra bit of money and have fun at the same time. I enjoy staying home, cooking and cleaning for now. I mean I still want to look into school and other options to get out of the house, but for now it is nice. If I got another child in here, I would be making as much as I did on maternity leave and that was okay. I think a small condo would be alright for 3 children. How would I advertise? Should I put a posting in my building? I have no idea. My husband is not very supportive in helping me shape some sort of concrete job plan into my life. I have to figure things out more or less on my own. Isn't that the way life is really? Figuring stuff out on your own and others can just be there to listen and wave in the sidelines as you still walk your path alone.

Tom and I, went to Chapters yesterday with our son. We thought it would be nice to get out. The weather was sunny, a little windy but nice. I saw a book by Peg Streep entitled "Mean Mothers", I was intrigued. I started to read a few chapters right there in the bookstore. I guess I was intrigued because I wanted to know what kind of mean mothers she was talking about. She was talking about the ones that are neglectful, over critical, emotionally distant, not the abusive ones that beat or verbally demean you. It is not like that but she goes on to talk about from a psychological perspective how damaging the mother daughter relationship can be, when everyone believes that every mother loves her child when not every mother does. She discusses how there is a myth that once you have children, you automatically love them and nature takes over and you become loving. However, to love in the way of being emotionally present, in the moment is learned behaviour and it can have damaging affects on the daughter her son. Sure, a mother can fed and cloth her child, but what about listening, hugging, validating, asking questions to be involved in your child's life? Those are the things that foster a sense of self and self worth. If someone is missing those elements, it can lead to a sense of worthlessness and low self esteem and a lot of insecurities in work life and with personal relationships.

I guess this book hit me because I began thinking about the relationship with my mother. My mother made sure we had enough to eat and nice clothing on our back, she gave us everything we needed and wanted. However, for me it was not enough. I felt my mother was emotionally distant. When I needed her the most she would withdraw her attention from me and make me feel bad. It started when I was 13 and she became very critical of me. The only time she really would talk is when she needed us to listen because she was fighting with our father and she needed a friend. We were her emotional support. My mother was emotionally abused herself by her mother. At the age of 60, she still feels the pain. I understand where it comes from.

In any case, my mom wants me to visit her in Germany. I am tight with money because I have a huge student loan that I am trying to pay off, which I did not have any support or help from her when I was a student and needed the most. In fact, she always yelled at me to give her more money for bills and for living at home etc. She told me to buy groceries and made me feel bad if I didn't. I know every one should help their parents out if given the chance, however, I was a student with more debt than anything, I worked full time and went to school, needless to say my grades were poor. I just wish I could have gotten that extra support. Now, I need my husband to go with me, even though he suggested I go alone to save money. He needs to be there because he is the buffer. There has always been a buffer. If it was just me and my son, it would not be enjoyable and we would fight.