Tough Decisions

On July 7th, I will be going to London again. I have 2 interviews with daycare workers and I am looking at two places. One is with a single 23 year old Mother looking for a room mate and the other is with a 25 year old male with a 2 yr old son also looking for a room mate. I would prefer to live with someone who has a child as well because they would understand.

We have told Tom's parents that I was planning on putting my son in daycare while I am in school. His father said that they would help me out with what ever I needed. His mom said in a sharp, disappointed tone that I would need a car and I will not be able to do this. We explained there is a daycare right on campus. She assumed that she would be taking him while I was in school and we could visit him on weekends. I was talking about this to my friend Heidi when we went to Port Dalhousie on Sunday for a get together with friends. It was a good way to end my friends trip here after her father died and they had to worry about funeral arrangements etc. So, to say good bye to everyone before she left to Boston and thank you for attending the funeral, her mom decided that we have a get together and meet in St Catherines at her mother's house. It was nice. In any case, Heidi said that it was strange that Tom's mom just assumed that Markus, my son would go with them. One should always assume that a child goes with the mother unless otherwise specifically stated by the parents to the grand parents. I have tried to get use to all the strange things his parents have done since Markus was born.

For example, on his first birthday, my sister bought him a wooden elephant with tamborines, that you push on a stick. After the party, Tom's father said "I am taking this away from him because I believe it is too dangerous". I have been angry at myself for that instance because I could not find my voice to argue against it even though I believed it was not dangerous. Now, I want it back and I have not seen it in a year. It should have been my decision and not theirs. So, there are a few mistakes I have made as well such as not being honest in my feelings and fighting the fight that most daughter in laws must fight. Another time, was when we came to pick Markus up from spending the night with them and Tom's mom answered in her bra and told me about how Markus was sucking and left red marks on her chest. I don't know what went on, she may have just wanted skin to skin contact with him. However, from a mother's perspective, that is strange and it is a bond between mother and child and that is it. I felt as if she was competing with me for his affection when she should be sharing it with me but leave the breast feeding bond to me, that is it. I was so furious, more than I had ever been. I gave her the meanest look and I think she got the message.

In any case, I have to stop obsessing about it, the past is the past and we can only learn from it. However, I can't help but feel angry because in the past, I have felt so helpless against them. Tom and I went to counselling yesterday, we discussed his parents and he admitted that his parents do interfere. He also acknowledged that his mother does make snarky, sharp toned comments, she has done it all his life and all that taught him to do was to get wittier with his come backs. I felt validated and that it was a break through because up until that point, I thought those sharp toned comments were only meant and done for me since I entered the family. Tom never mentioned that he deals with them to and he lets it rub off his back. Women and men are very different in how they take things. I have a hard time letting go and he does not communicate to me to tell me when something said has bothered him because it does not matter anymore. Where as I can't let go. He said to the counsellor that if you have lived with it all your life, you become desensitized and it no longer has an impact.

I have to focus on more positive things such as teacher's college, getting a job, creating a more financially stable future for my son and the possibility of having another child once I have a job and can go on maternity again and have a job I can come back to. My sister is having her baby in December and Roger will be in teacher's college as well. There are a lot of good things going on right now. Roger and Yoshe are in their new house and we may sell this condo and buy house after I am done teacher's college and have a stable job somewhat. So, that is all that matters right now. The question still remains: How do I unscramble the mess in my brain to get my thoughts more organized and not let things bother me so much? I am working on it is all I can say.

More of Germany

I am running short on time, since I have been back with all the distractions from the boys wanting my attention.

We drove to Hannover from Karlsruhe on Saturday. It was sad to say good bye to Tante Elfrieda. I had not seen her since I was 17. The last few times I had visited my mother and her were not getting a long and therefore I did not visit. In any case, she gave us $200.00. My mom was disappointed, she was hoping that I would get more because Yoshe got $500.00 for her wedding and I did not get anything. She is one of our wealthy relatives through marriage, her partner is deceased now. In any case, my mom commented that she is getting frugal with old age. Tom said we did not go there for the money and it was still nice to see them. I was a bit disappointed though, because it is the twin thing that Yoshe got more than I did. I guess this does not go away the older we get, we just learn to handle our emotions better and not always let it affect the relationship.

That night, we packed and had a nice dinner. My favorite, schnitzel, white asparagus which we do not have in Canada and mashed potatoes. Christian is an amazing cook, he is thorough and therefore takes a lot of time to do it correctly. I put Markus to bed and mom and I talked for a bit, I was trying not to cry as I do not know when I will see her again. Although, Yoshe is having her baby on December 13th, I do not think mom will be able to make it. Yoshe will go to Germany before mom has a chance to visit here.

We left for the airport very early in the morning. Thankfully, I bathed Markus and got him all dressed and ready the night before so it would not take much hassle to get him ready, I did the same for myself. I could not sleep that night at all. I was the first to wake on Sunday morning, it was 5am. I dressed and shortly after mom came out and we got coffee and breakfast ready. Christian showered and then I woke Tom up for breakfast. Markus was still sleeping. We packed breakfast for him, we did not want to wake him. After breakfast, I woke Markus and put him in the car for the long drive, along with all our luggage. I slept for a bit in the car. We left at 7am. We arrived at Frankfurt airport at 11:30. We made good timing. We checked in. We had a problem checking in because the woman could not figure out how to enter our information into the computer, she had to call for help while we stood there waiting and hungry. Finally, we went to Mcdonalds in the airport. While we were standing in line, I looked next to me and to my surprise, I could swear I saw Pete, my first real boyfriend. We dated back in high school. Our entire relationship ended when I started college, so we were off and on for about 4 years. He cheated on me and I could not forgive. The last words I said to him as my sister and I were driving home from his sister's house where we had been invited to his mother's 65th birthday were: Have a nice life! As my sister and I drove off, we saw him in the car next to us at a red light. He gave me a sad look and shook his head in sorrow and my sister said: I think he really did love you Tanja. The past is the past, I am married with a son and he is divorced, remarried with a son as well. I don't think he recognized me. I was studying his side profile trying to figure out if it was him. He looked directly at me and looked away. It was when we were sitting down, that I saw his face look at me in shook as if studying my face and that is when I knew it was him. I was surprised to see him, I did not remember him being so tall. My hair was tied back. I looked horrible and he had never seen me with glasses. We never spoke, but I know he walked away thinking whether it was me or not, just the way I walked away as well.

I told my husband later about it. Anyway, I was so small in comparison to him, he looked so much older than me, even though he is not. I did not say a word to my mom. We cried at the gate saying good bye. Christian became teary eyed. I knew they would miss Markus dearly.

Tom was unemotional as usual. He just patted me on the shoulder and said "there there, we will see them again", he had a smirk on his face. In situations like this, he is useless.

Markus was up for the whole plane ride. It was awful. A man moved over to give Markus an extra seat. Markus could not sit still for the entire duration of the trip. Thankfully, there was this polish 5yr old sitting in front of us who kept looking back to entertain Markus. Markus fell asleep 5 minutes prior to landing.

Tom's parents picked us up at the airport. We were not very emotional with them, no smiles or warm embraces were exchanged because we were exhausted and just wanted to go home and sleep. Once at home, they left right away and we crashed. Markus slept until 3am. It would have been 9am Germany time. We woke up at that time, made coffee, fixed breakfast, watched tv until Tom had to get ready for work. So, we were up from 3am to 9:30 Monday night. So, now I think I am back on schedule, Canadian time. Soon, I will figure out how to post pictures on here. If anyone reads this and has an idea, please leave a comment.

I know this blog is pointless rambling, but it is for me and my experiences as a mother, traveller, worker, student, sister, daughter and friend. I also do not expect many people to read it and it saves me time to type on the computer rather than write in a journal the old fashioned way.

I have talked to my mother every day since being back. I tell her I miss having her make my coffee every morning for me and cleaning. Now, I have to make my own coffee "sigh".

Germany, part 2, the reason this trip was different than any other time I have been to Germany

I am back in Canada. Back to babysitting, cooking and cleaning...and worrying. I had an amazing time in Germany. We spent the last few days in Karlsruhe. Karlsruhe is 5 hrs away from Hannover and so we rented a car for the last portion of our trip. I could not leave Germany without visiting my Oma and my mom's aunt Tante Elfrieda.

This trip was different than any other trip to Germany and it was a reflection of how time changes, people get older and are being born and the perspectives of people change, but the one thing that stays the same is that once in a while the people you love get to still be in a room and laugh together. The location may change but the heart always stays the same. The last time I was in Germany was in 2007 to visit my Oma in her beautiful apartment in Baden Baden. This time, we went to an old folks home and saw her just for 4 hrs. It was still nice and she has not lost her sense of humour. Yet, she had trouble walking. Oma has always had the most beautiful skin, therefore, she still did not have that many wrinkles, but you could tell she was tired a lot more. Tante Elfrieda took us to a restaurant in the country side, right across from the winery, the field where the grow the grapes that produces the wine. It made a beautiful photograph. The restaurant was called Hause Rembland. I had the roastbeef steak. It was the best meal I had in a long time. It was great of Tom to stay with all of us gossiping and talking about old times. That night, mom, Tante Elfrieda and I stayed in the kitchen, talking until 1am. Tom and Markus had long gone to bed. Tante Elfrieda shared her stories of sibling rivalry in childhood with Oma. The sibling rivalry still goes on to this day because Tante Elfrieda complained that Oma only ate two bites of her expensive meal and then she throws the rest out. It was funny to see her get all worked up, an 85 year old woman. I now know where my sister gets her temper from.

This trip was very emotional for me because it may be my last time I see Oma. There were four generations in her room and I was so happy that she could be around to see my son.

More of Germany!!!

Yesterday, we went to the zoo here in Hannover. It was only two subway rides away, very close. I thought it was better than the Toronto zoo. It cost a lot, it was 23 euros per person and Markus was free. Once, I saw it, it was well worth the money. Every part of the zoo had it's own section according the the country the animal came from. So, there was a section on the Yukon, featuring the Polar bear. They had water splashing hard against the rocks, cabins and the biggest burger I have ever eaten. We were able to go inside under ground to see the seals, polar bears and penguins swimming around. I did not see any penguins, they may have been hiding. It was a rainy and cold day anyway. There was Australia, where the ground was painted red, cabins with signs of beer were on the left and right of us as we were walking down the pathway. We were able to go right in the fenced area to walk along side the kangaroos. They were a lot smaller than the ones I saw in Australia. In any case, they had a lot of space to roam around, jump, hop, whatever, their little hearts desired. They also seemed to be more afraid of people than the ones I saw in Australia at Torango zoo, where they would come right up to your feet. Anyway, Markus watched in awe. At one point, Markus was walking and in between steps he would kneel down and bop his head up and down and then we realized that he was copying the birds. It was so funny, we all laughed. My favorite section was India, a building structured like the tajmahall, and a lot of open space for the elephants and monkeys. One monkey had a baby in her arms, it was so cute.

It was Markus's first time at a zoo and I have not been in a very long time. I have never been to the one in Hannover. I was thrilled to see Markus's reaction to all the creatures. When he looked into the glass where the lions were roaming. Markus started to make roaring sounds to copy the lions. We all laughed. He slept well last night.

However, today was more of a relaxing day. I took Markus to the park and then mom and I went to the grocery store. Tom slept. Poor Tom, he has had a headache all day long. He gets headaches quite frequently. I wish I knew what to do to make him feel better. In those moments he just likes to be left alone and no one can come near him. He got irritated by my mother who just would not leave him alone. She just wanted to help, but she can be overwhelming at times. Well, he took aspirin, he ate, he drank coffee and slept most of the day away and nothing seemed to help. After fighting with my mother, bathing Markus we took a walk and he complained that this vacation so far has been awful because he has been sick for most of it. It was hard for me to listen to his complaining. He complains quite often. I can not bring it to his attention because he tries to turn the conversation around and says that I am the one who complains often. I do complain, but when I am sick I do prefer to be left alone, but I will not complain about it or get mad at him for trying. Men can be like children.

It does suck to be him with a headache and for me as well. I want him to feel better. Tomorrow is a new day and we can only see then. It is late at night here and everyone has gone to bed except me who is blogging. I am with my rose wine and typing away anything that comes to my mind. There is so much to tell being in Germany. I can not possible explain all the sights, sounds and smells that surround me and lift my spirits to a new level of relaxation. I guess it is also because I am not working here either.

Tomorrow will be another day of relaxation and just hanging around and on Thursday we are heading to Karlsruhe to visit my mom's aunt and my oma. I am looking forward to it, but I am apprehensive about using my German, which I have not been able to practice at all. My oma is 85, It could be the last time I see her, so I am glad that she will meet her great grandson. He is the light of my life.

Paris.....the city of dirt, drunks....oh yeah and love.

We booked a ticket with Rainbow Tours to go to Paris for the week end. We booked it through the Reiseburo in Hannover. We left on Thursday night at 8pm. My mom agreed to take care of Markus. I was nervous to leave him, but my mom raised twins so I knew she could handle him. Tom and I did not have a honeymoon after we were married, so we thought it would be our romantic getaway/honeymoon/mini getaway without Markus.

It took 12 hours to get there from Hannover. Tom and I were so tired that we tried to sleep on the bus. We were listening to a conversation in English behind us. A 73 year old man was talking to a phillipino man, visiting is aunt for 3 months. He was talking about all his travels to Kuala Lumpar, Australia, Guam etc. He has travelled all over. He was a manager for an exporting company. However, he talked and talked and repeated himself. Yet, he had more energy than both Tom and I put together. He was a very energetic and friendly 73 yr old, who was married to a Korean woman whom he met in Korea when he was teaching English and German there. His wife only spoke Korean and German and not a word of English. We understood each other. I was afraid my German was not so good, so I did not attempt to speak it, but I understood everything well. We stopped along the way for three bathroom breaks and snacks. The first place we stopped at it cost 70 cents to go to the washroom. I was appalled. At the entrance to the washrooms, there are bars and you put the money in and the bar will open. They have a lower entrance, where kids can just walk through because kids are free. I could not believe that they charge you to use your bladder. It reminded me of George Orwell's book "1984" where he talked about the thought police and how big brother is watching your every move and no one has any freedom anymore over their own minds and body.

We arrived in Paris at 8am, we took a city tour and checked into our hotels at around 12pm. The first place we went to was the sacre cure, I can't spell it, it's a French cathedral. It was situated on the top of a hill. We walked up a cobble stone path surrounded by little souvenir shops. We got to a huge fence lined with gold. We walked up another hill. There was a merry-go-round, not working. Furthermore, there was a round walk way up the hill. One could also take the stairs. Immediately we were harassed by peddlers wanting us to buy things. They were black and spoke English and they were trying to make an african bracelet and ask for money for these green, red and black string bracelets. Tom had to save me a few times. They do not take no for an answer. The peddlers in France are really aggressive.

While, we had a lot of free time before the sightseeing tour began in the evening, we went to take a walk in the city, where the Eiffel tower stood in the distance. The water ran through the city with boat tours going every hour. We had steak and fries in a restaurant for a fairly good price for steak. It was very nice to be able to sit with Tom and listen to him speak french with the people to get us around. Most people in the heart of Paris speak English because they are tourists as well.

My first impression was that Paris is a very dirty city. People litter and do not care. They throw their cigarette butts on the ground without a care in the world and don't put them out. I think what if a child comes a long and picks it up and takes a puff. That is just my worried brain. I can't help but worry about situations that have not even happened but they could happen. I have been like that ever since I had Markus.

We met the tour guide along with the rest of the group for the sightseeing tour around 8pm. At first, we thought the tour guide was very condescending and patronizing because of how he talked to us. We later realized that he has been doing this a very long long time and so he will state things in a sharp way because in his experience people do not respect or listen to the rules. I get that. Moving on, it was getting darker and the city lights came on. We walked through the streets of Paris. There were no cars, only cobble stone, outdoor cafe's, souvenir shops and from a distance, the Eiffel tower lit up the city as well. I came across a walk way that reminded me of Van Gogh's painting "Starry Night". It was exactly like the cafe. It was gorgeous, I had to take a picture. We also drank red wine in the streets of Paris without hassle from the police. I understood, why they called it the city of love. When the buildings are lit up and the people come out to play music with their violins, guitars, piano etc, then you can't see the litter on the ground, broken beer bottles or wine bottles on the streets and cigarette butts. Your focus is then turned else where.

We only slept in the hotel for 6 hours, before we had to get up again to eat breakfast and be at the bus at 8am. We were very tired. The first stop was to the castle Versailles. So much open space. The fence was outlined in gold platings, the castle was grand with it's white and gold trim. The ground was a red tone color. The sun was also beating down. It was about 30 degrees. Inside, we saw paintings done by Mary Antoinette, the wife of Lois 14th, I believe. He had many wives. They all did back then. We learned about Charles de Guale and Henry the 8th etc. We walked down the famous hall of mirrors. It was amazing!

We stuck by the group and talked to people, getting to know them, we talked in English. We met an Australian, from Melbourne, who complained about how it is going into their winter and it is about 10 or 15 degrees right now. Tom sarcastically said "OHHHHH, Oh no". We could not feel sorry for that, while in Canada, we get into the negatives.

The tour ended at 12;45pm and after that we drove back to Paris and had the rest of the afternoon free before meeting for the boat tour at 9:30. We had a lot of time. We walked to the Eiffel tower, to sit in the park, have an ice cream and coke. Tom started to feel sick, his throat started to close up and he could only whisper. Poor Tom, we were so tired and I guess him immune system was letting him know that it was enough now. After bird watching and people watching in the park, we walked all the way to Notre Dame. It took us one hour to get there. We were exhausted. We could not enjoy it thoroughly by the end. We continued to walk all over the city, we walked for 7 hours straight. When evening hit, we were so hungry. Walking in the inner city was a huge pain in the butt because of all the people. Also, there were people forcefully trying to get us to come into their restaurant to eat. We ended up leaving each place we walked in to if we felt pressured. We eventually found a pizza place and we sat outside and had a great meal. The pizza's were huge. Tom had an egg in the center of his pizza. There will be pictures to come. I just have not figured out how to put them on the site yet. I just want to get my thoughts out before I forget. So, I am typing fast without worrying about grammar and spelling.

Now, it's 9:30pm. Tom can not talk at all. We are both sneezing and coughing and the thought of still having a boat tour to go on is draining. We were counting the hours that we had before we can rest our heads on the fine leather seats in the bus. We walked to the boats, this was another half an hour. We waited in line which was another hour and we were packed in like cattle going to the slaughter house. We were dehydrated and in desperate need of water. I spent twice as much for water because I had to buy it there, once I got in the gates because there was no convenience store to be found near the touristy spots. The Eiffel tower started to flash bright lights. People were taking out their camera's, they were ohing and awing.

People were on the boat in front of us Kissing and hugging. To the left of us, kissing and hugging. To the right of us kissing and hugging. Here Tom and I were coughing and sneezing and complaining. The tour took an hour and a half. We were cold, sick, tired and we managed a few little kisses on the lips here or there, but not much. Finally, we were on the bus. The tour guide told us that he would take us on a city tour again with the bus before leaving. It was already 11pm. Oh well, it did not matter at this point, I was going to sleep through it, at least I was warm and on the bus. Tom and I slept. So I don't know exactly what time we left Paris. But I remember, waking up and the sun was peering around the corner, it was just waking up as well. We stopped for Paris and it was just 4 more hours to go before getting to Hannover. We arrived in Hannover at 12:30pm. Mom and Markus were waiting for us at the bus stop. We exchanged emails with the people we had met. The philipinno woman introduced herself to my mother and said that she had a wonderful daughter. It was nice to hear. Markus was smiling from ear to ear. Mom said he was the perfect child, he did not cry, but he knew we were gone. He wanted to come to me right away and he would not let me go. I was so happy to be back. Happy that I had the experience of being in Paris and now I know what I know. Happy that I was back with Markus and happy that I do not live in Paris.

Paris.....city of love. You will forever be in my heart, but my heart is wherever, my son and husband are.