Lately, I have been beating myself up that I am not a good enough parent because I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I was busy trying to calm Sonja down from a tantrum because she didn't want to come inside after picking Markus up from the bus. Markus is shouting at me to listen to him about the Terry Fox run. I am yelling at him to wait until I can hear and thinking about how I have to get him ready for gymnastics class and if he should he eat before or after. I wonder if I should wait for Tom to get home or just go. I pretend to listen to Markus as I get a quick snack ready for them. He yells "mommy, your not listening to me!!!" as he jumps from couch to couch. Sonja has calmed down and then she follows him with taking all the cushions off the couch and throwing them. I resort to putting some tv on before we have to go. Tom is taking too late at work, I decide to go with both of them alone. Markus refuses to put jogging pants on. I quickly run upstairs and get shorts and put them in my bad, incase he decides that everyone else is in jogging pants or shorts for gymnastics and he is in jeans. When I get there, Markus sees everyone else and has I expected, he wants to change into his shorts. Sonja starts screaming at the top of her lungs because she wants to go in. There are mats and trampolines and rings to hang on, walking beams, it is a fun place to be and Sonja can't go in. This is TERRIBLE!!!! So, I don't really watch Markus on his first class. But, Sonja had her class in the morning, now it is his turn. But, I can't watch, I have to be far away in another room, trying to distract Sonja from the reason she is really upset: She wants to "play" too. Then, I find out it is an hour and a half!!!! That whole time, I should have been waving to Markus through the glass window where the parents sit. But, instead I am in the bathroom, because I finally got Sonja distracted with the little sink that was made just for kids and she is now busy playing with the water from the tap and soap dispenser.
On top of all that, I came home and my husband and I fought in front of the kids and he shouted that they do not listen because "you are breeding kids that don't listen!!!!" those were his exact words. Markus went to bed mad at both of us for yelling. Sonja was agitated and could not sleep all night.
In spite of all of this, I have composed a list of 5 reasons why I am a supermom. Sometimes, we can be very hard on ourselves. But, we need to give ourselves a break from our little voices in our head telling us we aren't good enough or that we can do better. So, here it goes:
1. I checked my son's notebook when he got home from school and he was very excited about the terry fox run, so I showed him videos on youtube of Terry Fox and we talked about the awful disease he had and I talked to him like a grown up. I got a hug. He was fed and I remembered his gym shorts because I knew he would change his mind.
2. When I feel mad at my husband or we fight, I hold my tongue and go to read to my kids. I save my mean words for later when they are in bed. I sometimes compensate for their father's lack of emotional responses to them. There is a disconnect between him and the kids. I try not to make excuses for their dad, but I let them know that we both love them in different way.
3. I managed to clean the upstairs today. I mean really clean with windex and everything and get all the dust out of every corner. I cleaned a few spider webs in and around the toilet in one of the bathrooms we never use. I vacuumed kids rooms and my room and office thoroughly. And, I organized. All the while, getting Sonja to happily follow me around with her paper towel soaked in windex and wipe the walls and stand on her stool and wipe the sinks, while playing with water. I then had her clean her toys with a wet rag. She had fun doing it and now everything looks clean.
4. I remembered to give Markus a hug and kiss this morning before getting on the school bus and I really laughed at his joke, not pretend laughed, but he really was funny and cute. I try to smile around them as much as I can. Sometimes, I forget and it feels fake. But, some days I actually do feel like smiling. I do have to tell myself that when I pick him up from the bus today to give him a big hug and kiss and not forget. Geez, I hope Sonja doesn't lose her cool today.
5. Finally, I try to think of fun activities for them to do like playdoh, trampoline, and give them as many opportunities as I can to play with friends. I am also having dinner guests over tomorrow, not because I actually want to, but because I feel it will be good for my kids. Their kids are a lot older, but that is a good thing and my son had asked to have them over or to go over there. I try to give my kids every opportunities to meet friends, go to lessons and make decisions in the household. Most importantly, I don't just love my kids, I really like them and their sense of humours.
It is easy to think about the negative, when you are not getting along with your husband/wife, your kids are not appreciative for what you do and don't care if you give them the moon, and your falling behind in housework, cooking, taking a break for yourself, resume writing or anything for yourself or to better yourself for that matter. There is always a reason to feel not good enough, but it's trying to tell yourself that it is all ok and it will be okay. It is trying to talk to yourself the way you want to console or comfort your kids. Listen to your own words of wisdom that we so often use on our kids but not ourselves. Yesterday and today have been hard, but I feel like a supermom.
