The past two weeks I have been having insomnia. I have been thinking about my dad and has Sonja sleeps soundly beside me, I lay awake weeping and wishing that my dad could have met her. She was born three weeks after he died. She will never know her Grandfather. But with the settlement, Markus gets money put away that he can use for his education when he is 18 and one day I will be able to say, this is a gift from your grandfather. Sonja never met him and so she doesn't get anything. I remember the last time Markus saw Grandpa. We went to his church for a Christmas dinner and Markus got to sit on santa's lap and get candy. Markus asked Grandpa to play the piano. My dad didn't know how to play the piano and I laughed and said "Of course, to him, Grandpa can do anything!" My dad went over and played a few notes and Markus, 3 yrs old at the time was fascinated.
I lost touch with Frank. We had him over once last year for dinner to watch some old video tapes of my dads life before us. After that, I did not really hear from him anymore. Frank was my dad's best friend through out university and like our second father. he also was friends with my mother independently of my father. My mother and father did not even know each other at the time. Well, I thought that my friendship with Frank would stay strong, but it has wilted away as well. I tried calling him many many times, he either seemed to let me go quickly, he was on his way out or he implied that I can only contact him when I go to visit my father's grave next.
Life is strange, I can still hear my fathers voice clearly in my head. I have a lot of guilt. I wish I would have been nicer to him when he was alive. I wonder if he ever knew how much I did appreciate him and how much I did love him because I never said it. I miss you dad!
