My son is 4

My son turns 4 on August 2nd.  We celebrated his birthday on Saturday.  My friend gave us a pool for the backyard, we bought a picnic table and had a small bbq.  There were 10 kids, people came, including my husbands parents.  They ate, drank, swam and had a great time.  It ended up being more of a large play date for Markus.  I had a few activities planned, but their attention spans are still to short.    My sister put spiderman tattooes on them and played basketball with them and went in the pool with them.  They all had a nice time.  Markus chose his spiderman cake.  We sang happy birthday inside to him.  People came from 2 and left around 8pm.  I was happy it was over.  I was glad Markus had a great time.  Sonja also had a great time being held by all these new faces.

I can't believe my son is 4.  Only four years ago, he was born.  I already started to think about what I will do for Sonja's birthday.  I think for her, it will be just family for the first two years and like Markus, her first party will be a age 3.  My in laws were great and they also had a great time.

The next day, we had another bbq with Tom's friends from work.  They also got Markus a gift.  One of his friends has a two yr old son and so they played together for a bit.  His friend also is trying to be a photographer and took pictures of us, which his wife posted on facebook.  They were very nice photos.  So, although we stayed home the entire week end, it was a busy one.  A lot of cleaning, cooking, preparation and cleaning again.  I love these kind of week ends and love when my kids have a great time.

The summer is almost over.  On Saturday night, my sister stayed late, we had a bit of a cry fest in remembering dad.  I wish he could have seen Markus's fourth birthday.  That is life.

Now, I have to prepare for Markus starting kindergarten and next step looking for daycare for Sonja and looking for a job.

Grieving

December 5th, 2011, at 7pm, my dad was crossing the street on a motorized scooter at the corner of River and Ottawa in Kitchener Ontario. He was almost half way across the street when he was struck by a speeding van and he was flung from his scooter. The weather was bad, it was the first snow fall of the year. My dad had broken ribs and one rib punctured his lung. He was put on a respirator and put into induced coma right away so he would not feel pain. He died on January 31'st, after we were given hope that he would make it but would be paralyzed for life. Feb 6th was the funeral. Feb 17th, my mom came from Germany to help us out with cleaning dad's apartment, life insurance and his banking information as she is the power of attorney, although they have been separated since 2001, they remained friends. On March 1st, my daughter Sonja was born and I wish could have stuck around long enough to meet her. Those dates run through my head constantly, like a round-a-bout. Nothing I do, can take away this painful feeling and deep sense of loss, almost in a denial, I wish I could rewind that tragic night so this would not have happened. I keep playing "what if's...." in my mind. What if I would have called him like I had planned so that I could have delayed him by a few minutes from going out at that time. What if, I had of answered his call when he called me.

My son asked "mommy, why are you crying?". I told him "remember how I said Grandpa was sick? Well, he died. Remember, in the Lion King when Simba lost his daddy? Well, I lost mine. He was hit by a car and died". Markus looked at daddy and said "is daddy sorry?" his dad smiled and defensively said "I didn't do it!" We all laughed. But, a few times, Markus has asked where Grandpa is. It makes me tear up every time. My dad would have been happy to see that he will be missed and is loved. I just wish he could have met Sonja. I know he would have fallen in love with her.

My husband has been very supportive during the time it was going on with all the driving to and from Kitchener, taking time off work, talking to people over the phone when I couldn't. But now, nearly 2 months have passed and he doesn't know what to do, I think he wants me to live in the now and move forward. It is hard for me to do, when I so desperately want to go back to that night. The guilt is killing me and I hate myself for not calling him that night, for not telling him things I should have told him, such as how much I loved him and how much I owe my good childhood to him as a father. How much I know he loved us as well. He never complained about his situation or circumstance, although he had bad arthritis and was in constant pain.

I wish my children could have known him. I am being distracted again by my son. So, I will wrap it up and say that I miss him and I loved him.

Waiting for a full recovery.

Taking for granted every moment, every breath

Never seemed so real

The uncertainty kicks in

Dad, I need you more now then I ever thought so.

Waiting in the ICU, minutes go by slow

Time stands still

Wondering how this could be so

Angry that mistakes were made and now

you are fighting to breath on your own

Cursing and swearing at the driver who hit you by not going slow

How wrong can this be,

but I look forward to when you are awake

When you can respond to me

Wanting and waiting for you to see your grandson's grow

Your grand daughter to be born.

We need you more than you'll ever know

Things I take for granted and never imagined it so

Our bodies are machines, some need fixing and others

go on their merry way.

Breathing so easy for me

Yet seeing the difficulty you have at simple things

is such an ordeal, I never wanted you to face.

Dads are supposed to be strong, now I know how strong you are

You should have been dead

But dad, you are a fighter and I never saw it so

I love you more than I even thought so

Your willingness to smile, to love and to fight for a life

you had before.

Though dad, your life has been altered and never be the same

Somehow, you will make it through with what you have

And do the best that you know to do.

Tears have come and gone and we will continue to stay strong.

Love is endless and somehow heals the soul

Your mind is so valuable, though your body seems to fall away.

We will fight and walk by your side.

We will find our way through after this tragic accident and make do.