7 reasons why being an identical twin is awesome!

 I have not always appreciated being an identical twin.  My sister and I have had our jealousies and major fights.  The fights could get aggressive as children.  As adults, we feel things that come out of each other very deeply and may not talk for months.  The relationship is, as I am sure everyone has heard and it is the same between any siblings, but it is one of love and hate.  However, with the twin relationship, the love and hate can be on either extreme.  We become sensitive, very sensitive to what the other says.  Someone else could say the same thing and I would take it better. Whereas coming from my twin could result in a full blown out fight.  We almost know each other's in's and out's.  We know what words to use that can poke at the other and we use these words to our advantage to get the other person upset.

Although, the relationship can be rocky, to say the least.  And, at times, I wonder what it would have been like had I have been born a singleton: Would I have been a better student?  Would I have been less anxious? Would I have been easier to get along with? Less competitive? More diplomatic? More easy going? More understanding if other's don't always "get" me (the way my sister does)? Talk less? lonelier? happier? more successful? less doubtful? more assertive? more prepared for obstacles that may come my way because I would have only me to rely on?

Overall, I could be "more" all those things or I could be "less".  Truthfully, I will never know and I am glad I am a twin, not just a twin but an identical one.  The stories I can tell are endless.  For example, when I was in Japan and someone on the train thought I was my sister Yoshe.  Yoshe went to university with her and of all the places to meet! We met in Japan!!!!

I spent some time at night before bed, especially if I am angry at Yoshe on how I wish I was a singleton.  Yet, in my heart, I love being a twin, it is what makes me special, it is how I identify with the world I live in.  It does not define all of me, but it is a lot of who I am. I have compiled a list of 7 reasons why being an identical twin is awesome.

1. Don't have to go it alone. In any major event in life, such as starting kindergarten.  I did not have to do it alone.  If I was nervous, it helped knowing that she was as well and we would be there to support each other.  My son Markus starts grade one in a week and my nephew Tristan starts kindergarten as well.  Different schools.  I am nervous.  My son is not, but he has no choice but to do it and I don't know if he has felt it.  He is not really a shy kid.  But, I look at him and think I could not imagine going on a bus for the first time by myself.  There is more: dance recitals, piano lessons, high school, dating for the first time.  We were never far behind one another and we were there to support one another and we did not go it alone.  There were jealousies such as when I started dating before her and then she wanted a boyfriend as well.  But, when she did get into a relationship she knew what to expect.  She went to teacher's college before I did, but when I did go, I knew I could ask her for help and she helped me to prepare. I had children before her.  This influenced her decision to have children and she got all the hand me downs and baby books from me and knew she was not alone.

2. I met my husband through my twin.  Yoshe got married at the age of 22.  She met him in university.  They both studied fine arts.  Yoshe got accepted on the jet program, teaching English in Japan.  But, she could only bring a spouse along.  She and Roger had only been dating for 4 months.  My sister had a choice, give up her relationship and go to Japan for 2 yrs or get married and bring him with her.  So, she asked him to marry her after 4 months and said to him that if it doesn't work out, they can always get divorced or get an annulment.  That was 14 yrs ago and they are happily married still.  I on the other hand had difficulty meeting the right person.  I was in a series of bad relationships.  Yoshe came to me at the age of 27 and told me about Roger's friend Tom.  They went to high school together.  We just came back from Germany, the two of us and Tom had just come back from Poland and bought my sister and I some amber necklaces.  Out of all Roger's friends, she liked Tom the most and set us up on a date.  Roger, her husband was against it the whole time.  He did not want it to break up and then they would be blamed for the bad relationship.  Also, Tom had a history of not being the best guy to be in a relationship with.  Tom and I, quickly moved in together.  We got pregnant and I asked Tom to marry me over the phone one day, while I was at work.  He said yes and we were married a month later.  Now, it has been 6 yrs and we have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old.  Thanks to my sister who knows me best and found my other half (she still does get blamed if we have a fight).

3. Our children are closer then regular cousins.  My children are both blond and blue eyes.  Her children are both dark skinned, dark curly hair and brown eyes.  She has a boy, 3 and a girl, 3 months.  Her kids are three years apart and so are mine.  We both have the boy first and then the girl.  Our kids fight like siblings and love like siblings.  We see each other every week end.  We went to Jamaica together for a family reunion together and our rooms were adjacent to each other.  The kids were always between rooms so that they could be together.  They play very well together.  People ask me, if I would like more.  The answer is that between the two of us, we have four children.  I feel like her children are mine and she feels like my children are hers.  She scolds my children and I can scold hers if they act inappropriately.  We take turns with babysitting.  We also have my husbands parents.  But, if my sister and I both want to see the same musical playing.  We may pick nights where she can see it first and I babysit and then the next night, we see it and she babysits.  Then, we can both talk about it later because we have seen the same show and experienced in different ways.  We like to talk about it.  Our kids love being together.  The newest member of the family was so exciting for all of them.  They are technically like half siblings.  One day if they ever need a kidney, they can turn to each other.  If anything happens to one of us, I hope they will experience the loss together like brothers and sisters and remain close.  For now, they fight but they also love seeing each other.

4. Experiencing loss. When our father was hit tragically by a car and taken to ICU, for the months that he was alive, Yoshe and I communicated every day.  I went to visit him more because I did not work and Yoshe did.  When he did pass away, we had it written on his grave stone: you will be forever missed by your twins.  We went through the pictures in his apartment together.  We found one picture that stood out.  It was a picture of when we were first born.  He was holding both of us in his arms and he wore a blue t-shirt that said in bold white print: father of twins!!!!
We could share the same stories.  Although, our experiences of our dad are different, because we are different people, we still remember him the same way.  Most of our memories of him are together.  He took us on long nature walks together.  He read to us at night time together, he helped us with school work together.  I know a lot of parents to the same thing for their kids, but it is one at a time because one goes first and then a few years later with the other.  But, Yoshe and I would sit at the table together, getting the same help, doing the same homework.  So, when we experienced his loss, we could relate to each other and our stories matched up.  As early adults, I have different stories, such as I went to visit him in England without my sister.  I was 21 and it was the first time, I got to know my dad with Yoshe.  I loved that as well. Yet, in times of grieve, my sister and I had each other and we talked about the animals we had and the things he taught us, together...

5. In Sickness. The worst thing I ever felt was the day Yoshe called me to tell me she had basal cell carcinoma.  It is a skin cancer.  When anyone hears the word cancer, a huge ball tightens in your throat and your tummy gets all knotted up.  It is one of the worst feelings.  The fear is sooooo real.  Immediately, I thought, this can't be happening.  I wondered how do I help her.  I wanted to go to all her appointments with her and I wanted to be there ever second.  I think I felt more scared then she did.  She did not want me to go with her.  She wanted her husband.  She may have been afraid that I would have taken over and felt it as if it was me who had it.  Instead, she used me to babysit her children.  After every surgery, her husband and her went to, they came back to my house or called me to theirs and I would care for the kids, cook dinner, make sure things are quiet and calm around her.  I would let her sleep.  At one point, as she had a wet towel over her scars and blood stained into to cloth, I took pictures and joked that I was supporting her by taking pictures of her swelling and I will put them on facebook because she looks like an alien from another planet.  She tried not to laugh and with her entire swollen face she mumbled "it hurts when you make me laugh, doooonnn't".  Of course, I did not put it on facebook, I just wanted to lighten the mood.
Now, at that time, it wasn't all roses.  She was jealous of me and thought: why is this happening to me and not her.  That was hard for me.  I had guilt because if I could have taken her pain away, I would have.  She was jealous of me and that was hard.  I became the caregiver (it is in my nature).  However, I thought about my life for the first time without her. The thought alone was unbearable.  We may get jealous but truthfully, we need each other just like plants need water to grow, we need each other for our souls to be healthy and happy.

6. Jealousy. Oh My GOD!!!! I can go on about jealousy!!! The pain of jealousy is felt to the extreme in a twinship.  There is an expectation, that one wants what the other has, how will each twin be perceived by others and if one twin has something that the other does not have, does that make any one twin better?  The down side of never "going it alone", is that as children, there are a bunch of "firsts" that are experienced together for twins.  Growing up, parents need to buy two sets of everything.  Two car seats, two back to school packages, two outfits in the SAME colour to avoid any fighting.  Both get dance lessons, piano lessons, acting lessons (as was the case in my home).  Two toys the exact same (don't want any fighting).  But, these are the things parents can control.  As the twins grow, they can't control who is asked to the school dance and who isn't, who goes on to further their education right after high school and who doesn't.  This also has to do with parenting.  Parents of twins need to spend time with each twin individually and perhaps give them different lessons or the same lessons at different times depending on interests.  My sister and I have the exact same interests.  We both are artistic and creative and hate math!
However, with twins raised the exact same, by time early adulthood hits, jealousy may strike and they may compare lives, even though they are on a different path.  They may compare in terms of which is better. For example, I was jealous when she went to teacher's college before I did.  We applied at the same time, she was accepted and I was not. I was jealous when she married before I did.  I had Roger's mother constantly pat my arm at her wedding telling me how one day I too will find someone.  I felt more pity for myself knowing that other's felt pity for me at her wedding!!! Ridiculous, I know! She was jealous when I had a child first.  She left to Vancouver for a year and was not there for the birth of my first born.  I was mad and I did not even get a phone call.  She has been jealous that my husband has a job where I can stay home with my children and she does not.  She compares and tries to put me down to make herself feel better.
Overall, in friend relationships or regular siblings, once this emotion is felt, they may not talk to each other for ages or ever!  In a twinship, although there is pain, there is also a lot more understanding and there is trust, the utmost trust that someway or somehow, the relationship can be mended again.  It is like a marriage.  At one point, my sister wanted to go to counselling with me to work on the relationship.  We never went, it kind of worked itself out on it's own.  We had a choice and we love each other.  Our husbands feel they are in a marriage with two people, my sister and I.  So, it can be difficult sometimes for our husbands to understand.

7. Forgiveness. All siblings fight.  Yet, in a twinship the fighting can be extreme.  You either love each other or hate each other.  You may even spend time complaining to your spouse or partner about your twin.  Your spouse's may not get it. When all is said and done, I still always find my way back to my twin.  We may love and hate like no other, and with that being said, we also forgive like no other.  When I am happy with my twin, talking, telling jokes, laughing, getting loud, I feel uplifted, my spirits are high.  I wonder if other people talk to way we do or if we are lucky.  I don't have to pretend or be on my best behaviour with her.  She is not a guest in my home, she can come and go and help herself when she needs.  I am not ashamed if the house is a mess and she comes over. I do not have to apologize for my thoughts, words or actions if it is a bit eccentric or "out there".  If I speak out of anger of political issues and start to go on an offensive rant, I can only do that with her and she will understand where it is coming from and know that I do not mean every word, I speak out of haste and anger.  My husband doesn't even get that.  I may feel embarrassed later for my vengeful words or rants over worldly issues, politics and government, but that's okay, my sister knows me.  That is a great feeling.  We forgive, not always do we forget.  We may bring up a hurtful event later if it suits our purpose or can make us "more" right in a discussion.  The communication will always be there and that is a given.

The key words to describe my twinship or the "unbreakable bond" would be laughter, turbulent, security, stability, friendship, comfort and belonging. These are all words that would be used to describe a marriage.  However, with all the frustrations that come along with being a twin, I can't see it any other way.  Of course, I am aware that we will part through death and one of us will go before the other.  That is a whole new topic and thankfully, it is not my story yet.  That also goes for everyone.  I will alway be a twin, even in death, it is largely who I am and has affected the way I think and they will be the main topic in the stories we tell our children when it comes to passing the stories down for future generations.  And that is...well, it is...simply awesome!!!