When I became a mom, I said I would try not to make the same mistakes that my parents made. Easier said than done. I love my parents and they both did the best that they could with what they were given or had at the time that we were children. Also, they had to learn everything in the first round because my mom had twins. She had two babies and everything was a shot in the dark for her. At least, I can correct some of the mistakes I made with my first with my second. I know better the second time around.
Here is a mommy confession: I feel guilty all the time. If my son cries because he can't have video games, I feel guilty and I don't always know what to do or how to handle the situation. My first instinct is to "google" it. Yet, I can't just say to my son "can you hold that temper tantrum for now. I just want to google how to handle your behaviour because right now, I just don't know...here play some video games, while I am finding this out". I can't say that to him. So, in the moment, I feel I am doing everything wrong. I yell and I scream. I calm myself down. Then, we go for round two. He yells and screams and throws himself on the floor. I want to smack him HARD, but I love him soooooo much!!!! I hate seeing my baby (monster) on the ground in turmoil all because I won't let him play video games.
I have compiled a list of 5 mistakes that I have made so far in the middle of a 6 yr old melt down:
1. Yelling Back. I get so angry that at first, I am calm and I repeat myself "no, not today...I told you not today". Then, it gets too much and I start to yell and forget that I am the parent. In other words, I lose my patience. I scream at him not to scream, meanwhile I am screaming. Can you see the hypocrisy?
2. Playing the victim. I hate to admit this. Yes my mother did this to me. When he starts to hit, punch or throw things at me. I do not know if this is typical 6 yr old behaviour by the way. I am not an expert and all children are different. But, I say "why would you hit me" and "do you think i like being hit". Instead of dealing with the situation and remembering that I am in control. I have the power to grab him and put him on the stairs and say "you are going in time out for 6 minutes for hitting me". I did do that today, but I have to remind myself. It does not come naturally. When it comes to anger, I have some growing up to do as well. I do not want to make myself out to be the victim at the hands of a 6 yr old. Then, he will think that he has the power. We are not on the same level. He is learning and I have to help him deal with his emotions in a productive way. But, if I struggle with this myself and my words come out as "Stooopp!" and "why are you doing this to meeeeee?" then, I have lost all credibility and respect and a 6 yr old will not feel safe and secure with me. Luckily, it has not happened often and when it does, I quickly change it around.
3. Not being consistent. Sometimes, I tell him that if he cleans his room, we can go out for ice cream. Well, he may clean his room, but then I have forgotten that I have said that. He will remind me, but I am busy doing something. So, I say later. We end up going that day, but I should be more concise. Yesterday, I told him no video games today for his behaviour when going to bed. He got 10 minutes of video games today. I have to use shorter phrases, repetition and be clear and concise when talking to a 6 yr old and making plans or following through with a punishment.
4. Comparing. If I want him to ride a two wheeler or do some reading or math etc, I say that his friend can do it. Or, if his sister is listening, I tell him to look at Sonja. But, he is a different person. I have to deal with him as an individual and all his wonderful and unique qualities. He is not his friend or his cousin or sister. He is wonderful and he will find out where his interests lie soon enough. I need to give him room to grow into himself. I did to give him room to flourish. So what if he doesn't ride a two wheeler at age 6. So what if he can't swim yet. So what if he doesn't like math. He is where he should be for his age. He has not had any problems in school, there is no need for me to worry that he will be behind. He is not behind and he is not ahead, but he is perfect right in the middle for his age. I have to remember that. He is not me, he is a different person than I am or was. He is an amazing and beautiful, sensitive boy.
5. Spanking. I said I don't believe in spanking. In the heat of the moment, I have spanked, even when he did not deserve it. I know it hurts his feelings. When I rough house with him, I can hit harder than when I spank and he has a smile on his face and my husband and I and our daughter are all on the floor wresting. Yet, when I spank him lightly but yell at the same time not to do something, he cries. I just hurt his feelings and by spanking, I made him feel like less of a person. I have not done this often. There is no reason to suggest that he is afraid of me. I have spanked, when I have lost it twice this year and it was the only two times in his life. Did it solve anything? not really. I apologized and vowed to try to never do it again. I want to be a good role model for him.
With trying to be a good role model for my children, I am realizing for the first time the demons in my closet and the mistakes that were made with my sister and I. I hope that by listing them, I will be aware of it for the next time, that I can properly cope with the situation at hand in a mature, loving and yet assertive way. I love my children, they are the best parts of my husband and myself. I want to nurture their being and have them thrive in school and in life. I want to create a relationship where they can come to me and we can openly just....talk.
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