10 low key but fun activities to do with your kids any age.

As a stay at home mom, I can run out of ideas to do with my busy 3 yr old and active 6 yr old.

So, I just wanted to share some of the things, we have been doing lately:

1. I recycled a coffee tin and with duck tape and stickers, we made a drum.  It makes a neat sound with the plastic tin on top of the metal and all taped with duck tape.  My daughter uses it often and it looks pretty on her shelf in her room.

2. My kids love baking.  But, I always have arguments between the two of them: Chocolate vs Vanilla.  We came to a compromise and decided on both.  I let them spread their side of the chocolate and vanilla.  It tasted very good.  They decided on the happy face.

3. We have a local walking track.  My son can unwind his energy.  My daughter can sit in her stroller or run or walk with us.  It is a large open space.  Some people may not have walking tracks in their community, if not, then when the weather is nice, you could take a walk to a nearby park.  Time them and race with them.  There are so many things to do when you are active and active games to play that will hopefully tire them out our where you can use it as an opportunity to have a great one on one conversation with your kid about school or life philosophies....

4. We did some sand art, it came as a set, which you can purchase from Micheals or walmart, maybe even the dollar store.  My daughter had so much fun doing this.  It was simple, but different.  At the end of it, we had all the mixed sand in a bucket and she got to play for a bit.  It is messy or can be.  But, easy to clean.

5. I took some spaghetti jars from the recycling.  We cleaned them really well with dish soap and we scrubbed the labels and glue off.  It took some time.  I then used some enamel paint that I had lying around from when I painted the kids rooms.  It was a BEHR paint.  We took spoons and put the paint in the jar, twirled all the paint around to cover the inside surface of the jar.  I turned the jar over to let it drip out.  That took a full day.  The next day we went back to it.  I had my daughter do the flower arrangement, the way she liked it.  I purchased a bunch of fake flowers from Micheals.  She chose the flowers she wanted, she also decorated the jar the way she liked.  The materials for the project that were used were: Clear jar
                           BEHR paint
                            Fake flowers
                            Sticker's
                            Ribbons and white glue

6. Colour by number.  This is quite simple.  This can be purchased at Walmart or even dollar store.  However, you can also make your own.  You just need a blank paper or canvas, draw a picture with a black sharpie pen and put the numbers down.  In the corner, draw a legend of what colour goes with what number and have your child fill it out.  My daughter had a great time doing this, it took some concentration and it was time consuming.  While she did this, I was able to clean, do dishes and help my son with homework.

7. This is a favourite for young kids.  I had my daughter lie down and I traced her in the pose she wanted.  Once that was done, my daughter used markers to dress her how she wanted.

8. Again, we used recycled boxes.  My son is a huge minecraft fan.  So, we took paper and painted a minecraft zombie, we glued the paper to the box.  We also used a bigger box to make the bottom part (which is not shown here), it was to make his blue shirt.  We cut out the arms and made a minecraft zombie costume with very little to no cost to us. It was a simple project and kept my son busy.

9. My daughter loves painting.  So, I thought I would do something different today than the regular painting.  I had her cut up a potato and we made potato stamps, a heart and a star.

10. A puppet show.  This was taken at the library.  However, I have had my kids take boxes and make a puppet show.  For the puppets, I had them make cats, dogs, cows, whatever out of construction paper.  My son made the pigeon from the pigeon books by mo willems.  We then glued them onto popsicle sticks.  I could not find a picture of that.  But, these are the most recent pictures.  Sometimes, it is a break to just take them to the library and let them read or play with whatever is there.

11. Now, I said 10 activities, but I have added one more because this kept my kids busy and they also learned about money.  I had them separate the pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, loonies and toonies from each other.  We then, counted the money by 5's, 10's and 1's and 2's.  I told them if they could make 4 dollars out of the dimes, nickels, then they could keep that for their piggy bank and save up to buy themselves something they would really like to have.
This activity keeps them busy and teaches them about money.  My son at this point got more out of it because he understands the value of money and that money can get you stuff.  Whereas my daughter just likes the sound of her musical frozen bank, so she is learning through repetition without even being aware of it.

Feeling like you want to escape Christmas?

What are you doing this Christmas? 

Christmas is once again upon us.  Stores were starting to sell Christmas on November 1st already. Yet, it made me sigh and feel like "here we go again" another roller coaster ride.  I have had this feeling since 2011-2012 when my father passed away.  Yet, you try to make it exciting and do what you can for the kids.  Because that is what and who it is really about anyway, right?

So, on Saturday, my sister and her family came over and we put up the christmas tree and made ninja turtle ornaments.  It was a simple activity but the kids loved it.  While Sonja slept, Markus and Tristan went outside and build a snowman.  However, the next day, all the snow was gone and so was there snowman.  It was short lived.  But, it was great for the kids to go outside, feel the cold on their faces and get some fresh air. It also got the kids excited for Christmas.  Admittedly, it put a smile on my face and warmed my heart.  This is what Christmas is about: Family.  Not presents or how many gifts you get. Here are some pictures:

This year, we have decided to go to Myrtle Beach with my in laws, the Grandparents.  Usually, we celebrate Christmas with them before and on the 24th of December, the leave for their vacation every year.  So, we will celebrate Christmas with my sister and her family on December 6th, they will have a sleep over.  We have decided to limit the gifts to three gifts per child.  I have already gone over that for Sonja.  But, there are a lot of cute girl stuff in the stores.  But, I will keep a few for her Birthday in March and then I will not have to do Birthday shopping then.  I think it is a good idea because young children do not need much for Christmas and the amount of gifts you give your kids is not a reflection of how much you love them.  Some kids have huge families and may get more, some families compensate because they have a very small family and so they get more gifts and some families can't afford it at all.  I feel blessed that we can afford it and this year I have compiled a bunch of my kids old toys and I will have my son wrap it and give it to children who need it.  That is my son's gift.  

Seeing as how people are getting excited for Christmas already at the beginning of November, I wonder what are you doing for Christmas and how will you make it special and at the same time not stressful?

5 reasons, why I sometimes feel like a Supermom

 Lately, I have been beating myself up that I am not a good enough parent because I say the wrong things at the wrong time.  I was busy trying to calm Sonja down from a tantrum because she didn't want to come inside after picking Markus up from the bus.  Markus is shouting at me to listen to him about the Terry Fox run.  I am yelling at him to wait until I can hear and thinking about how I have to get him ready for gymnastics class and if he should he eat before or after.  I wonder if I should wait for Tom to get home or just go.  I pretend to listen to Markus as I get a quick snack ready for them.  He yells "mommy, your not listening to me!!!" as he jumps from couch to couch.  Sonja has calmed down and then she follows him with taking all the cushions off the couch and throwing them.  I resort to putting some tv on before we have to go.  Tom is taking too late at work, I decide to go with both of them alone.  Markus refuses to put jogging pants on.  I quickly run upstairs and get shorts and put them in my bad, incase he decides that everyone else is in jogging pants or shorts for gymnastics and he is in jeans.  When I get there, Markus sees everyone else and has I expected, he wants to change into his shorts.  Sonja starts screaming at the top of her lungs because she wants to go in.  There are mats and trampolines and rings to hang on, walking beams, it is a fun place to be and Sonja can't go in.  This is TERRIBLE!!!! So, I don't really watch Markus on his first class.  But, Sonja had her class in the morning, now it is his turn.  But, I can't watch, I have to be far away in another room, trying to distract Sonja from the reason she is really upset: She wants to "play" too.  Then, I find out it is an hour and a half!!!!  That whole time, I should have been waving to Markus through the glass window where the parents sit.  But, instead I am in the bathroom, because I finally got Sonja distracted with the little sink that was made just for kids and she is now busy playing with the water from the tap and soap dispenser.

On top of all that, I came home and my husband and I fought in front of the kids and he shouted that they do not listen because "you are breeding kids that don't listen!!!!" those were his exact words.  Markus went to bed mad at both of us for yelling.  Sonja was agitated and could not sleep all night.

In spite of all of this, I have composed a list of 5 reasons why I am a supermom.  Sometimes, we can be very hard on ourselves.  But, we need to give ourselves a break from our little voices in our head telling us we aren't good enough or that we can do better.  So, here it goes:

1. I checked my son's notebook when he got home from school and he was very excited about the terry fox run, so I showed him videos on youtube of Terry Fox and we talked about the awful disease he had and I talked to him like a grown up.  I got a hug.  He was fed and I remembered his gym shorts because I knew he would change his mind.

2. When I feel mad at my husband or we fight, I hold my tongue and go to read to my kids.  I save my mean words for later when they are in bed. I sometimes compensate for their father's lack of emotional responses to them.  There is a disconnect between him and the kids.  I try not to make excuses for their dad, but I let them know that we both love them in different way.

3. I managed to clean the upstairs today.  I mean really clean with windex and everything and get all the dust out of every corner.  I cleaned a few spider webs in and around the toilet in one of the bathrooms we never use.  I vacuumed kids rooms and my room and office thoroughly.  And, I organized.  All the while, getting Sonja to happily follow me around with her paper towel soaked in windex and wipe the walls and stand on her stool and wipe the sinks, while playing with water.  I then had her clean her toys with a wet rag.  She had fun doing it and now everything looks clean.

4. I remembered to give Markus a hug and kiss this morning before getting on the school bus and I really laughed at his joke, not pretend laughed, but he really was funny and cute.  I try to smile around them as much as I can.  Sometimes, I forget and it feels fake.  But, some days I actually do feel like smiling.  I do have to tell myself that when I pick him up from the bus today to give him a big hug and kiss and not forget.  Geez, I hope Sonja doesn't lose her cool today.

5. Finally, I try to think of fun activities for them to do like playdoh, trampoline, and give them as many opportunities as I can to play with friends. I am also having dinner guests over tomorrow, not because I actually want to, but because I feel it will be good for my kids.  Their kids are a lot older, but that is a good thing and my son had asked to have them over or to go over there.  I try to give my kids every opportunities to meet friends, go to lessons and make decisions in the household.  Most importantly, I don't just love my kids, I really like them and their sense of humours.

It is easy to think about the negative, when you are not getting along with your husband/wife, your kids are not appreciative for what you do and don't care if you give them the moon, and your falling behind in housework, cooking, taking a break for yourself, resume writing or anything for yourself or to better yourself for that matter.  There is always a reason to feel not good enough, but it's trying to tell yourself that it is all ok and it will be okay.  It is trying to talk to yourself the way you want to console or comfort your kids.  Listen to your own words of wisdom that we so often use on our kids but not ourselves.  Yesterday and today have been hard, but I feel like a supermom.

The mistakes I have made as a parent

 When I became a mom, I said I would try not to make the same mistakes that my parents made.  Easier said than done.  I love my parents and they both did the best that they could with what they were given or had at the time that we were children.  Also, they had to learn everything in the first round because my mom had twins.  She had two babies and everything was a shot in the dark for her.  At least, I can correct some of the mistakes I made with my first with my second.  I know better the second time around.

Here is a mommy confession: I feel guilty all the time.  If my son cries because he can't have video games, I feel guilty and I don't always know what to do or how to handle the situation.  My first instinct is to "google" it.  Yet, I can't just say to my son "can you hold that temper tantrum for now.  I just want to google how to handle your behaviour because right now, I just don't know...here play some video games, while I am finding this out".  I can't say that to him.  So, in the moment, I feel I am doing everything wrong.  I yell and I scream.  I calm myself down.  Then, we go for round two.  He yells and screams and throws himself on the floor.  I want to smack him HARD, but I love him soooooo much!!!! I hate seeing my baby (monster) on the ground in turmoil all because I won't let him play video games.

I have compiled a list of 5 mistakes that I have made so far in the middle of a 6 yr old melt down:

1.  Yelling Back.  I get so angry that at first, I am calm and I repeat myself "no, not today...I told you not today".  Then, it gets too much and I start to yell and forget that I am the parent.  In other words, I lose my patience.  I scream at him not to scream, meanwhile I am screaming.  Can you see the hypocrisy?

2. Playing the victim.  I hate to admit this.  Yes my mother did this to me.  When he starts to hit, punch or throw things at me.  I do not know if this is typical 6 yr old behaviour by the way.  I am not an expert and all children are different.  But, I say "why would you hit me" and "do you think i like being hit".  Instead of dealing with the situation and remembering that I am in control.  I have the power to grab him and put him on the stairs and say "you are going in time out for 6 minutes for hitting me".  I did do that today, but I have to remind myself.  It does not come naturally.  When it comes to anger, I have some growing up to do as well.  I do not want to make myself out to be the victim at the hands of a 6 yr old.  Then, he will think that he has the power.  We are not on the same level.  He is learning and I have to help him deal with his emotions in a productive way.  But, if I struggle with this myself and my words come out as "Stooopp!" and "why are you doing this to meeeeee?" then, I have lost all credibility and respect and a 6 yr old will not feel safe and secure with me.  Luckily, it has not happened often and when it does, I quickly change it around.

3. Not being consistent. Sometimes, I tell him that if he cleans his room, we can go out for ice cream.  Well, he may clean his room, but then I have forgotten that I have said that.  He will remind me, but I am busy doing something.  So, I say later.  We end up going that day, but I should be more concise.  Yesterday, I told him no video games today for his behaviour when going to bed.  He got 10 minutes of video games today.  I have to use shorter phrases, repetition and be clear and concise when talking to a 6 yr old and making plans or following through with a punishment.

4. Comparing.  If I want him to ride a two wheeler or do some reading or math etc, I say that his friend can do it.  Or,  if his sister is listening, I tell him to look at Sonja.  But, he is a different person.  I have to deal with him as an individual and all his wonderful and unique qualities.  He is not his friend or his cousin or sister.  He is wonderful and he will find out where his interests lie soon enough.  I need to give him room to grow into himself.  I did to give him room to flourish.  So what if he doesn't ride a two wheeler at age 6.  So what if he can't swim yet.  So what if he doesn't like math.  He is where he should be for his age.  He has not had any problems in school, there is no need for me to worry that he will be behind.  He is not behind and he is not ahead, but he is perfect right in the middle for his age.  I have to remember that.  He is not me, he is a different person than I am or was.  He is an amazing and beautiful, sensitive boy.

5. Spanking. I said I don't believe in spanking.  In the heat of the moment, I have spanked, even when he did not deserve it.  I know it hurts his feelings.  When I rough house with him, I can hit harder than when I spank and he has a smile on his face and my husband and I and our daughter are all on the floor wresting.  Yet, when I spank him lightly but yell at the same time not to do something, he cries.  I just hurt his feelings and by spanking, I made him feel like less of a person.  I have not done this often.  There is no reason to suggest that he is afraid of me.  I have spanked, when I have lost it twice this year and it was the only two times in his life.  Did it solve anything? not really.  I apologized and vowed to try to never do it again.  I want to be a good role model for him.

With trying to be a good role model for my children, I am realizing for the first time the demons in my closet and the mistakes that were made with my sister and I.  I hope that by listing them, I will be aware of it for the next time, that I can properly cope with the situation at hand in a mature, loving and yet assertive way.  I love my children, they are the best parts of my husband and myself.  I want to nurture their being and have them thrive in school and in life.  I want to create a relationship where they can come to me and we can openly just....talk.

7 reasons why being an identical twin is awesome!

 I have not always appreciated being an identical twin.  My sister and I have had our jealousies and major fights.  The fights could get aggressive as children.  As adults, we feel things that come out of each other very deeply and may not talk for months.  The relationship is, as I am sure everyone has heard and it is the same between any siblings, but it is one of love and hate.  However, with the twin relationship, the love and hate can be on either extreme.  We become sensitive, very sensitive to what the other says.  Someone else could say the same thing and I would take it better. Whereas coming from my twin could result in a full blown out fight.  We almost know each other's in's and out's.  We know what words to use that can poke at the other and we use these words to our advantage to get the other person upset.

Although, the relationship can be rocky, to say the least.  And, at times, I wonder what it would have been like had I have been born a singleton: Would I have been a better student?  Would I have been less anxious? Would I have been easier to get along with? Less competitive? More diplomatic? More easy going? More understanding if other's don't always "get" me (the way my sister does)? Talk less? lonelier? happier? more successful? less doubtful? more assertive? more prepared for obstacles that may come my way because I would have only me to rely on?

Overall, I could be "more" all those things or I could be "less".  Truthfully, I will never know and I am glad I am a twin, not just a twin but an identical one.  The stories I can tell are endless.  For example, when I was in Japan and someone on the train thought I was my sister Yoshe.  Yoshe went to university with her and of all the places to meet! We met in Japan!!!!

I spent some time at night before bed, especially if I am angry at Yoshe on how I wish I was a singleton.  Yet, in my heart, I love being a twin, it is what makes me special, it is how I identify with the world I live in.  It does not define all of me, but it is a lot of who I am. I have compiled a list of 7 reasons why being an identical twin is awesome.

1. Don't have to go it alone. In any major event in life, such as starting kindergarten.  I did not have to do it alone.  If I was nervous, it helped knowing that she was as well and we would be there to support each other.  My son Markus starts grade one in a week and my nephew Tristan starts kindergarten as well.  Different schools.  I am nervous.  My son is not, but he has no choice but to do it and I don't know if he has felt it.  He is not really a shy kid.  But, I look at him and think I could not imagine going on a bus for the first time by myself.  There is more: dance recitals, piano lessons, high school, dating for the first time.  We were never far behind one another and we were there to support one another and we did not go it alone.  There were jealousies such as when I started dating before her and then she wanted a boyfriend as well.  But, when she did get into a relationship she knew what to expect.  She went to teacher's college before I did, but when I did go, I knew I could ask her for help and she helped me to prepare. I had children before her.  This influenced her decision to have children and she got all the hand me downs and baby books from me and knew she was not alone.

2. I met my husband through my twin.  Yoshe got married at the age of 22.  She met him in university.  They both studied fine arts.  Yoshe got accepted on the jet program, teaching English in Japan.  But, she could only bring a spouse along.  She and Roger had only been dating for 4 months.  My sister had a choice, give up her relationship and go to Japan for 2 yrs or get married and bring him with her.  So, she asked him to marry her after 4 months and said to him that if it doesn't work out, they can always get divorced or get an annulment.  That was 14 yrs ago and they are happily married still.  I on the other hand had difficulty meeting the right person.  I was in a series of bad relationships.  Yoshe came to me at the age of 27 and told me about Roger's friend Tom.  They went to high school together.  We just came back from Germany, the two of us and Tom had just come back from Poland and bought my sister and I some amber necklaces.  Out of all Roger's friends, she liked Tom the most and set us up on a date.  Roger, her husband was against it the whole time.  He did not want it to break up and then they would be blamed for the bad relationship.  Also, Tom had a history of not being the best guy to be in a relationship with.  Tom and I, quickly moved in together.  We got pregnant and I asked Tom to marry me over the phone one day, while I was at work.  He said yes and we were married a month later.  Now, it has been 6 yrs and we have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old.  Thanks to my sister who knows me best and found my other half (she still does get blamed if we have a fight).

3. Our children are closer then regular cousins.  My children are both blond and blue eyes.  Her children are both dark skinned, dark curly hair and brown eyes.  She has a boy, 3 and a girl, 3 months.  Her kids are three years apart and so are mine.  We both have the boy first and then the girl.  Our kids fight like siblings and love like siblings.  We see each other every week end.  We went to Jamaica together for a family reunion together and our rooms were adjacent to each other.  The kids were always between rooms so that they could be together.  They play very well together.  People ask me, if I would like more.  The answer is that between the two of us, we have four children.  I feel like her children are mine and she feels like my children are hers.  She scolds my children and I can scold hers if they act inappropriately.  We take turns with babysitting.  We also have my husbands parents.  But, if my sister and I both want to see the same musical playing.  We may pick nights where she can see it first and I babysit and then the next night, we see it and she babysits.  Then, we can both talk about it later because we have seen the same show and experienced in different ways.  We like to talk about it.  Our kids love being together.  The newest member of the family was so exciting for all of them.  They are technically like half siblings.  One day if they ever need a kidney, they can turn to each other.  If anything happens to one of us, I hope they will experience the loss together like brothers and sisters and remain close.  For now, they fight but they also love seeing each other.

4. Experiencing loss. When our father was hit tragically by a car and taken to ICU, for the months that he was alive, Yoshe and I communicated every day.  I went to visit him more because I did not work and Yoshe did.  When he did pass away, we had it written on his grave stone: you will be forever missed by your twins.  We went through the pictures in his apartment together.  We found one picture that stood out.  It was a picture of when we were first born.  He was holding both of us in his arms and he wore a blue t-shirt that said in bold white print: father of twins!!!!
We could share the same stories.  Although, our experiences of our dad are different, because we are different people, we still remember him the same way.  Most of our memories of him are together.  He took us on long nature walks together.  He read to us at night time together, he helped us with school work together.  I know a lot of parents to the same thing for their kids, but it is one at a time because one goes first and then a few years later with the other.  But, Yoshe and I would sit at the table together, getting the same help, doing the same homework.  So, when we experienced his loss, we could relate to each other and our stories matched up.  As early adults, I have different stories, such as I went to visit him in England without my sister.  I was 21 and it was the first time, I got to know my dad with Yoshe.  I loved that as well. Yet, in times of grieve, my sister and I had each other and we talked about the animals we had and the things he taught us, together...

5. In Sickness. The worst thing I ever felt was the day Yoshe called me to tell me she had basal cell carcinoma.  It is a skin cancer.  When anyone hears the word cancer, a huge ball tightens in your throat and your tummy gets all knotted up.  It is one of the worst feelings.  The fear is sooooo real.  Immediately, I thought, this can't be happening.  I wondered how do I help her.  I wanted to go to all her appointments with her and I wanted to be there ever second.  I think I felt more scared then she did.  She did not want me to go with her.  She wanted her husband.  She may have been afraid that I would have taken over and felt it as if it was me who had it.  Instead, she used me to babysit her children.  After every surgery, her husband and her went to, they came back to my house or called me to theirs and I would care for the kids, cook dinner, make sure things are quiet and calm around her.  I would let her sleep.  At one point, as she had a wet towel over her scars and blood stained into to cloth, I took pictures and joked that I was supporting her by taking pictures of her swelling and I will put them on facebook because she looks like an alien from another planet.  She tried not to laugh and with her entire swollen face she mumbled "it hurts when you make me laugh, doooonnn't".  Of course, I did not put it on facebook, I just wanted to lighten the mood.
Now, at that time, it wasn't all roses.  She was jealous of me and thought: why is this happening to me and not her.  That was hard for me.  I had guilt because if I could have taken her pain away, I would have.  She was jealous of me and that was hard.  I became the caregiver (it is in my nature).  However, I thought about my life for the first time without her. The thought alone was unbearable.  We may get jealous but truthfully, we need each other just like plants need water to grow, we need each other for our souls to be healthy and happy.

6. Jealousy. Oh My GOD!!!! I can go on about jealousy!!! The pain of jealousy is felt to the extreme in a twinship.  There is an expectation, that one wants what the other has, how will each twin be perceived by others and if one twin has something that the other does not have, does that make any one twin better?  The down side of never "going it alone", is that as children, there are a bunch of "firsts" that are experienced together for twins.  Growing up, parents need to buy two sets of everything.  Two car seats, two back to school packages, two outfits in the SAME colour to avoid any fighting.  Both get dance lessons, piano lessons, acting lessons (as was the case in my home).  Two toys the exact same (don't want any fighting).  But, these are the things parents can control.  As the twins grow, they can't control who is asked to the school dance and who isn't, who goes on to further their education right after high school and who doesn't.  This also has to do with parenting.  Parents of twins need to spend time with each twin individually and perhaps give them different lessons or the same lessons at different times depending on interests.  My sister and I have the exact same interests.  We both are artistic and creative and hate math!
However, with twins raised the exact same, by time early adulthood hits, jealousy may strike and they may compare lives, even though they are on a different path.  They may compare in terms of which is better. For example, I was jealous when she went to teacher's college before I did.  We applied at the same time, she was accepted and I was not. I was jealous when she married before I did.  I had Roger's mother constantly pat my arm at her wedding telling me how one day I too will find someone.  I felt more pity for myself knowing that other's felt pity for me at her wedding!!! Ridiculous, I know! She was jealous when I had a child first.  She left to Vancouver for a year and was not there for the birth of my first born.  I was mad and I did not even get a phone call.  She has been jealous that my husband has a job where I can stay home with my children and she does not.  She compares and tries to put me down to make herself feel better.
Overall, in friend relationships or regular siblings, once this emotion is felt, they may not talk to each other for ages or ever!  In a twinship, although there is pain, there is also a lot more understanding and there is trust, the utmost trust that someway or somehow, the relationship can be mended again.  It is like a marriage.  At one point, my sister wanted to go to counselling with me to work on the relationship.  We never went, it kind of worked itself out on it's own.  We had a choice and we love each other.  Our husbands feel they are in a marriage with two people, my sister and I.  So, it can be difficult sometimes for our husbands to understand.

7. Forgiveness. All siblings fight.  Yet, in a twinship the fighting can be extreme.  You either love each other or hate each other.  You may even spend time complaining to your spouse or partner about your twin.  Your spouse's may not get it. When all is said and done, I still always find my way back to my twin.  We may love and hate like no other, and with that being said, we also forgive like no other.  When I am happy with my twin, talking, telling jokes, laughing, getting loud, I feel uplifted, my spirits are high.  I wonder if other people talk to way we do or if we are lucky.  I don't have to pretend or be on my best behaviour with her.  She is not a guest in my home, she can come and go and help herself when she needs.  I am not ashamed if the house is a mess and she comes over. I do not have to apologize for my thoughts, words or actions if it is a bit eccentric or "out there".  If I speak out of anger of political issues and start to go on an offensive rant, I can only do that with her and she will understand where it is coming from and know that I do not mean every word, I speak out of haste and anger.  My husband doesn't even get that.  I may feel embarrassed later for my vengeful words or rants over worldly issues, politics and government, but that's okay, my sister knows me.  That is a great feeling.  We forgive, not always do we forget.  We may bring up a hurtful event later if it suits our purpose or can make us "more" right in a discussion.  The communication will always be there and that is a given.

The key words to describe my twinship or the "unbreakable bond" would be laughter, turbulent, security, stability, friendship, comfort and belonging. These are all words that would be used to describe a marriage.  However, with all the frustrations that come along with being a twin, I can't see it any other way.  Of course, I am aware that we will part through death and one of us will go before the other.  That is a whole new topic and thankfully, it is not my story yet.  That also goes for everyone.  I will alway be a twin, even in death, it is largely who I am and has affected the way I think and they will be the main topic in the stories we tell our children when it comes to passing the stories down for future generations.  And that is...well, it is...simply awesome!!!

Estranged twins

I am feeling like an estranged twin.  I am an identical twin, but we are not close.  I don't really know when it started in our adult life, but it is gradually getting worse in our 30's.  When I think about our childhood, I think it was very complicated back then as well.  I always felt jealous of her because she seemed to be our parents favourite.  She seemed to be more sensitive than I am, she cried a lot.  I was very sensitive as well, but I hid my feelings more.  We were both bullied in school and making friends was never easy for either one of us.  I have always had troubled relationships with female friends.  Looking back, I don't know what she felt, I do know she was bullied as well and we had friends that sometimes said to me "I like you better than your sister".  I know I used to come home from school in grade 5, go to my room and cry.  I don't remember her crying but she always cried to mom about feeling lonely etc.  My earliest memory in our childhood is when our parents labeled her "the good twin" and me "the bad twin".  I lived up to that expectation.  In high school, I fought with my mother all the time. I went out with friends (superficial friends) often.  These friends would frequently change every year.

My sister would never let me borrow her clothes, she had a very bad and big temper.  She often took my clothes without asking and I did not put up a fight because I knew mom would get involved and tell me how horrible I was being and shoot me "the look", the one that could kill, if she was superman (the laser eyes). But, if I took her clothes...she would throw a fight and mom would get involved and make me change.  I was the one who caused problems because when she fought, she fought loud and hard.  I hated confrontation, so when I fought, I could be loud but I would back off and decide this is not worth the fight because I would have both her and mom against me and I would never win that battle.

Years later, at age 35,  I feel like I have lost my identity.  I don't know who I am, if I am not a stay at home mom, mother of two and an identical twin.  Everyone I meet, the first thing I am sure to tell them is that I am an identical twin.  But, we are not close.  I have tried to be but over time, it is killing me inside.  I am losing sleep thinking about what went wrong and trying to pinpoint where it started.  The root cause: jealousy.  From where it started, I don't know.

I was jealous when she married before me.  She was jealous when I had a child before her, so jealous in fact that she went to Vancouver and was not there for the first year of my son's life.  When I went to visit her in Vancouver when my son was 2 months old, I got sick and she got angry because I was lying sick on her couch and if our son woke at night, she complained instead of trying to help and taking him for a while from me so I could sleep.

After a year of fertility treatments, she finally had her son.  I rushed to see him in the hospital.  It was a happy day.  But over time, I don't know what happened.  Our dad died from being hit by a car and our mom came from Germany around the time I had my daughter.  My sister yelled at mom, the day my daughter came home from the hospital, that mom had to leave and spend time with her son alone to prove she loves him just as much as her son.  Mom left, three weeks after dad's death and me tired from just giving birth, mom left.  I suggested we be together, my sister yelled all the more. To this day, my sister, will not apologize and she said, I should have seen how much sleep she needed and mom saw that.  To me, it doesn't matter, we wanted to come over to her house as well and she could have slept then as well but she refused and wanted us divided.

Now, my daughters second birthday is coming up and I offered to take him to the aquarium with us and give her a day of rest.  She said no because it is too crowded, three kids will be too much for me, she will not allow her son in a car with me either.  I am not able to spend time with my nephew alone.  I offer when she complains that her life is tiring and too busy, as she is a teacher.  I also offered to take her dog, as she worries that her dog is getting depressed with her having her second child now and her not having the time to walk him.  She said on the phone, maybe but I know the answer is no.  She posted the problem she is having with her dog on facebook.  A friend of hers replied with some advice.  She responded back with how difficult it was too take that advice because of her and her husband's work schedule, but she never mentioned that I had offered to take the dog because I have the time as a stay at home mom to walk her.  I offered for a week.  She didn't decline, but for her not saying anything is declining.

She also told me that in highschool, she had asked mom to go to separate high schools as she didn't want to see me every day.  Mom has no recollection of this and says it is not an issue, it never was.  I know my sister said this on the cuff to hurt me.  She knows how to hurt me like no one else.

I get hurt every time we are together, I feel as if I am the one trying to make the effort to keep the relationship going.  When she had skin cancer, I offered as a gift to take her to a spa and let the husband's take care of the kids, but as a teacher and having skin cancer, she needed to relax more.  My sister said she hates people who go to spas and it is such a girly thing to do.  That was 2 yrs ago.  Since our kids,  which was 5 yrs ago, I have not spent any time alone with my sister.  She is very dependant on her husband because she does not drive, but she will not get into a car with me.  My husband taught me to drive when we first met, as our parents never encouraged driving because it was too dangerous.  Now, I drive with confidence.  She refuses to come over without her husband because she needs him as a ride and doesn't want to be stuck at our place and she will not get in a car with me.

This story is very painful for me to talk about, even to my husband as he does not understand.  I do not feel like I fit in with his family, they are an exclusive bunch, very polish.  It is not their faults, they are from a different generation and they escaped a communist country.  I do not have much to say to his parents, I speak through my husband to them and it is only in regards to the kids.  They are friendly to me, they are nice, but have never showed me real warmth and have always felt like very nice strangers to me.

Being a twin, it is hard to find other twins who are estranged and feel like a part of themselves is missing.  I have searched the internet and I have found organizations such as twinless twins, but not really in Canada and then organizations for parents of twins and/or triplets.  This is not me either.  I have a hard time finding where I fit and finding a connection to other people.  These feelings I can not so easily tell my husband.  My mother and I do not talk like that, so I guess writing my feelings down is helpful for now.

I do not know how she feels, I can imagine there is a part of her that HATES me.  Partially because she sees me as always having more friends than her, having kids before her and for not getting cancer and being healthier than her.  From that stand point, I do not understand and cannot understand where she is coming from, I can only imagine it must be scary for her to always have fear health wise that something bad will happen, especially after what happened with our dad and he wasn't even 65.

We are growing more distant as our kids get older and as time moves forward.  It gets harder for me as time passes and I miss her...and I hate her...and I miss her...and i want that close relationship again...if we ever REALLY had it?

I hate to think that one day, we may not even talk as little as we already do.  We may see each other once a month and only for the kids sake and reluctantly.  It seems that I am pushing for something that she doesn't want.  My husband sees it and tells me to let her be, to not call her because at this point, I am just being annoying to her.  He thinks it is easy.  I have always lived in her shadow, walking on the edge of how she feels.  My husband will just yell at me and say: "SHE DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT GO? STOP CALLING! SHE WILL ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES OF WHY SOMETHING ISN'T POSSIBLE! STOP OFFERING TO HELP HER OUT! SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOUR HELP! SHE WOULD NOT HELP US OUT EITHER!" There is truth to what my husband speaks.  But, he doesn't understand the twinship relationship. I miss her and feel lost in knowing who I am, if not a twin.  Who am I?

Why I think big kids birthday parties are ridiculous!

My daughter's second birthday is on March 1st.  The second birthday parents can get away without really having one because she will forget anyway.  My son doesn't remember his second birthday.  I am glad, because for his second I invited one family and had just my family.  My friend was pregnant at the time with her third and could not make it, she was so sick.  My mom misses all these events because she lives in Germany and my dad was there, but my husbands family does not like mine.  So, it was in my in laws back yard because we lived in an apartment at the time.  My father in law sat under a tree by himself.  My mother in law and sister in law decided to go shopping.  It was just my dad, my pregnant sister and her husband talking to each other and my son played around by himself with all his presents.  He had a good time and it was just me that was mad.

I have decided for my daughters second to go to the Aquarium and look at the fishes and my son may get more out of it than her.  After that, we may do dinner with my sister and her family and my husbands parents.

This gets me thinking about my son's 6th birthday in August.  I am worried he may ask for a party.  I think kids birthdays with big bouncy castles, slides, magicians can be over the top and ridiculous.  Here is a list of why I find big kids birthday parties ridiculous:

1.  Who to invite? Some parents have lots of friends and they invite everyone they know.  But, some parents don't have that many friends and can only invite two or three couple friends, but if the birthday is in August, many people go away, especially during the long week end.  If he wants to invite kids from his class, moms have to start making friends before the end of school, but not everyone will RSVP.  It is too risky to invite the class and a big headache for mom.

2. By 6, the child may have been to a few birthday parties already and if he sees the bouncy castle, or people going to legoland etc, which can be pretty expensive, he will expect the same.  Then he wants to have a big birthday party with bouncy castle and lots of presents etc, not realizing that mom may not know that many people or have the finances to support such an event that they will forget in a few years anyway.  Really, who is the party about? mom? or child?  It creates a false set of expectations.

3. While it is great to celebrate your child's birthday, I wouldn't go overboard because what are you trying to teach your child? I don't want my child to feel a sense of entitlement and I know this is why we are living in the "me" generation.  Parents want to keep their kids entertained and happy.  But, in fact by big and extravagant birthdays, it may do the opposite of what is intended.  My son once went to a birthday, where there was a magician, face painting, it was like a circus and the birthday boy spent most of his time alone in his room.  He was actually more of an introvert.  All the parties of his mom's we went to after that, this boy would be the first to go to bed and hide away from the crowd.  The party was more about what mom can do.  But she was a fabulous hostess.

It is important to teach your child, that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people may be busy.  It is good to teach your child that a birthday is about him and it is ok to spend it with just the family and it is ok not to get a lot of presents and it is still nice to make a day out of it where the child feels special, even if that means not a big party.  I mean a child's self worth comes from within and not how many people can attend your party. It teaches your kid not to rely on other people so much for happiness.  Of course, if I have a party for my child it will be the closest people to me and very small and intimate.  All one needs is close friends and a birthday cake and a few presents.

4. Wanting what other kids have.  How do you explain that it is okay to be different from what others do?  Not everyone has the same number of family and friends support or economic situations.  We are all different and unique.  So, let's try not to want what others have.  Thanks to the other moms that invited me to their kids parties and can do what I can not and now I have to explain this to my son.  I am just joking in a way, I look at every situation as a teaching moment.

5. Kids can be mean.  If parents invite the whole class or every kid that has ever invited your kid, then there may be a lot of people and some can be mean to the others.  At my son's 4th birthday, we had 15 kids and one child we did not know well told my son that lego was boring and he did not like any of my son's toys.  This kid had tons of toys and he started talking about all the cool stuff he had that my son didn't and my son felt bad.  We have not really seen that family since.  our children do not get a long that well.  I just wanted to live up to the expectations that I put on myself because other moms had cool parties for their kids.  I learned my lesson and will not do that again.

Kids birthdays are about the child. As long as you do something special with your kids and maybe have one or two friends, then your child will be happy.  For my son's fifth, we had a family birthday, with his one other cousin and the next day, we invited one of his friends to go with us to lego land.  he had a fun time.  When I told him we were not having a party for him, he was disappointed, but when I said he could choose a friend to go to lego land, he was very excited.

I just want parents and myself to know that it is okay if you don't have an abundance of friends.  Most people have one or two really good friends and that is all you need.  It is okay to not spend too much money on an over the top birthday party for your kids if you don't have the money or if you don't want to, your kids will forgive you and thank you.  It is okay not to buy too many presents for your kids, most of them will get broken in the first week anyway, so by not inviting the whole class, mom doesn't have so many gifts that the kids don't know what to do with. It is okay if your kid feels sad, bored or disappointed, it is a part of life, but hopefully, they have a good day on their birthday what ever you decide to do.

Also, a birthday party to involves less people is easier on mom and kid still feels loved and it teaches your child about close friendships and that it is okay to not rely on other people so much for happiness, you can still have a great birthday party, even if no one comes because it is about the child.  That is life. So many kids spend birthdays in sick kids hospital or without food or any kind of celebration.  Thank your lucky stars for what your parents can give you, kid!

How to get your kids out the door in a timely manner

It's winter! And I hate leaving the house because I have a 5 yr old and an almost 2 yr old.  Getting all their snow gear on is like trying out for the mommy olympics.  They get distracted.  My son might get one shoe on and then start playing with batman and making swooshing sounds.  It is not until I stomp my foot and clap in his face, yelling "C'mon, Let's go, Shoes now!".  After every article of clothing, he stops to play with a toy or run around the living room and I have to bring him back to focus with a clap.  It takes about half an hour just to get all of their stuff on.  I dread leaving the house with them in the winter!

Here is what I have decided to do for next time we have to get out the door for skating lessons or swimming lessons or for school:

1. Have them go to the washroom before getting their snowsuits on.  It never fails.  The minute I have on their snowsuits, one of them will yell "PEEEEEE!"  Robert Munsch sure knew what he was writing about in the story "I have to go PEEE".  Every mother feels as though that book was written about their life with small children.

2. I start the getting ready process half an hour before we have to be out the door.  Instead of clapping and getting anxious.  I wait patiently now and ask calmly "I see you one have one shoe, where is the other?"

3. I give a lot of encouragement: "Oh, good, you have your snow pants on now.  Do you think you can get your jacket on as well and do you need help zipping it or can you show me how you zip your jacket?"  I learned that from Sesame Street.

4. When my son or daughter put on two different shoes, not paying attention to what is going on, I have time to say "does that look right to you?" If they get caught up in the joke and can't get out of it to get ready and they do more silly stuff.  I open the door and stand outside and say in a firm voice "I am waiting and it is cold".

Often times, I have to still help my 2 yr old, but she is getting it and she watches her brother.  I try to make it fun, even though I am thinking I am raising monsters.

Good luck, getting out the door.  Can't wait until summer.

Being an Identical twin

Recently, my twin sister decided to take time away from me and we had not spoken on the phone for a week, until today.  A week is a very very very long time for us to go without talking.  She is my other half.  It started with an insensitive comment my husband made and he implied that she changes her mind often.  Normally, such a comment would have never warranted such a dramatic and hyper sensitive response.  But, in keeping an open mind, she is pregnant.  Yet, all my childhood memories came flooding back of when she would scream and get louder in order to get what she wanted, came back to me.  It is learned behaviour.  Our mom, I felt did favour her because she was always more sick than I was and she cried more often.  I learned to cover my feelings, be softer and less vocal because than I would be looked at as the "bad" twin.

The argument became about her and I, when she wanted my support in yelling at my husband.  We parted on Christmas day on a bitter note.  The next day, her facebook page was flooded with articles on the "twinship relationship" that she had posted.  This angered me some.  However, I did my own research and I found there is very little information on twins.  She was so hurt that she threatened to take her son away from me and not see me for a while.  I brought up issues that I was still hurt about, for example demanding that our mom spend time with her son alone, the day I cam home from the hospital with my daughter.  You would think there would be a big welcome home sign and lots of family.  But there was none.  Dad had died three weeks before.  Mom was on a short visit from Germany.  She was there for the birth.  But, at home, my sister skyped and refused to spend time with us and made her demands on mom.  Mom left and we were alone.  Me in my grief over dad and Tom to take care of the children.  We ended up driving to his parents home in another city.  Well, a lot of jealousies came fourth.

After many emails back and fourth, I wrote her that when she wants to call, I am here.  She did call, as if nothing happened.  Her voice was happy and she had just had a doctors appointment and was going with her husband to buy a mattress.  I was glad to hear her voice, but also angry that this past week, I felt I was on the receiving end of her wrath and I was crying and freaking out that we may become estranged twins.

After this episode, I have decided that I am interested in how the twin relationship works for other twins and there is still little information out there.  I have read a lot of personal stories from twins that I found on google that became estranged twins in adulthood.  This is a scary thought and it is difficult to make that decision.  I mean from birth, we shared everything, looks, toys, the womb, clothes, even boyfriends when we got older.  I didn't want to be a stranger!!!!! I can't imagine my life without her, although, she is the one person that can make me see red, like I have never seen red before.  I lose it!!! She is also the one person, I can't not talk to everyday and talk about personal stuff like our husbands, our children and people we love and that have wronged us (in laws).  We have a lot of those stories.

As we get older, it is difficult to fight the way we did as children.  We do not have our parents or a house to hold us together anymore.  The relationship could falter and we could walk away.  We have our separate lives now.  She is married with a child and one on the way.  I am married with two children.  But, we are bonded together by looks, history and husbands (I was introduced to my husband through my sister.  Her husband went to highschool with mine and they were good friends).

There is no pain greater and no joy greater than being a twin.

New Years Resolutions

Every year I make New Years Resolutions.  And, every year I break them.  This year, I have composed a list of resolutions and my goal is to stick to at least not breaking three of them.

1. Lose 10 Lbs.  I know this is a common one.  I am sure it will be number one on a lot of people's list because of all the chocolate and binging and drinking done over the holidays.  But, I would feel better physically and emotionally if I lost some weight.  Sometimes running after a toddler is not enough.

2. Spend less time on facebook.  I post a lot of pictures of my kids.  Every day I post something.  Whether it is them reading on the couch, modelling a new outfit or eating snow, I post it.  People don't care about my pictures.  I also don't want to reveal too much on facebook. I find facebook is a way to connect people.  But that connection is only on the surface.  There is nothing real there.  Sure it makes me feel good when a picture gets a few likes.  However, I want to spend more time interacting with my kids than showing people what a great mom I am by posting all these happy photos.  Meanwhile, it is not always happy in our household.

3. Stop yelling.  I get frustrated very easily and my voice gets louder.  I want to try to keep control of my emotions.  Try to remain in control when my 5 yr old is pushing my buttons.  When I am angry with my husband, walk away and come back to the conversation at a better suited time. I have to work on my anger and how I react to things.  I know this also is because I am an anxious person.  I will try to think before I speak.

4. Hug my kids often and listen.  Really really listen...in the moment.  Being completely with them.  My kids are my world.  My life.  They are the air I breath.  They make me laugh by the funny things they say and do.  They make me cry when they are so amazingly sweet and tell me they love me and when they just won't listen...those moments are the moments books are made off.  Every story has a problem.  So does ours.  It is how we handle it that makes the story so great or not so great.  I think I can keep this New Years Resolution!

Finally 5. Relax and take time for myself.  I often expect my husband to give me time and voluntarily take the kids so I can take a bath or what not.  However, when he doesn't, I get frustrated.  I think in my head I need a break, I need to calm down, I need to take a bath.  Yet, I do not say this to my husband.  I am thinking this while loading the dishwasher, cleaning the living rook, my kids faces, the mess from dinner on the table, sweeping the floors, getting garbage ready for garbage pick up.  Meanwhile, my husband is reading with Markus or playing video games.  One hour turns into two hours, and I am still doing stuff.  Two hours turns into three and then I look like the bad cop because I put the breaks on daddy and me time, so that we can get them into a bath and ready for bed at a decent time.  By 10pm, kids are sleeping and I never got my bath and I have to make Markus's lunch for school the next day.  I am feeling frustrated with my husband.  Then I am exhausted and I go to bed just to do the same things over again the next day.  So...ask my husband to watch the kids.  Stop thinking about cleaning and get some ME time, so that I feel nicer in an hour or two.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year.  It is a chance to start fresh and hopefully build new relationships and build bridges with old ones and put bad feelings aside.  I am speaking from experience, my twin sister has threatened to cut all ties with me.  I am grieving and trying to prevent that from happening.  That is another story.  One that will wait because I am too upset to write about it and it is fresh.  It makes me cry to think of a life without my twin!!!! Hopefully, we can find our way back to one another.

What are some of your New Years Resolutions?

The secrets to happiness

I keep reading blogs and articles all titled "The 7 Secrets to Happiness" or some other number that someone thinks they figured out.  Although, I roll my eyes when I see yet another article with that title, but I can't help but read it because...well...I really want to know why other people have found out the secret to happiness and I haven't!

After many articles and through my life experience, I now know that there are no secrets to happiness.  Some people are just genetically happy ALL the TIME and lots of people find those people annoying.  Then there are some people that are trying to find a balance that works for them, but happiness is an ongoing struggle for many.  So, I have created my own list of what makes me happy:

1. Goal Setting. If I write down at least three goals for the day and I manage to get them done.  I am happy and feel like I have accomplished something.  It could be going grocery shopping.  Setting aside one to two hours to spend with my kids doing anything they want to do. Going to the Early Years Centre to get the kids out of the house for a couple hours and be around other kids.  Cleaning the house from top to bottom.  Being able to surf the net for an hour while my kids nap or are at school. Getting out of the house once a day, even for 15 minutes to get fresh air in the winter especially. Of course, my goals will change in the next year to work on a resume, hand out 10 a day, find daycare etc.

2. Eat Chocolate.  Have chocolate in the house because chocolate produces serotonin in your brain, the chemical responsible for feelings of happiness.  It also helps in between cleaning and playing with the kids.

3. Invite people over for dinner once in a while.  I like reaching out to people I have not spoken to in a while and asking them to come over for dinner.  We get to catch up.  I feel like the connection is not lost and we still care.  It is also nice to have company once in a while, especially if you are not the kind of person to have a lot of dinner dates.  It gives you an excuse to clean and to eat all you want to eat without guilt and makes the other person feel good because they realize your house is not perfect, your kids are not perfect, the dinner is not perfect, so we all feel good and comforted in the end.

4. Dancing. When I am alone with my kids and my husband is gone and no one is over, I like to dance.  I turn on youtube and dance to oldies and music my kids like such as gagnam style.  I used to love to swing dance, so I show some moves to my kids and it is a chance for us to get some exercise and just let go.  Dancing takes me away and I feel happy even if momentarily.

5. Art. I use to paint a lot before having kids.  I do not have that much uninterrupted time anymore.  So, I try to do an art project with the kids once in a while and include them in my desire to do some art. Although, my art work is not as good as it use to be, due to having limited time alone these days, it is fun and makes my kids and I feel good.  It gives us a sense of accomplishment.  It also gives my kids a chance to discover where there interests lie, make a mess and learn where their creativity takes them.

6. Volunteer. I don't volunteer anywhere right now.  However, when Markus was small, I volunteered at the employment centre, where I helped adults from Jamaica learn to read and write to find meaningful employment in Canada.  I loved it.  It made me feel helpful, hopeful and pride.  Giving to others feels good.  It also gets you out of the house once in a while, away from the kids and it could lead to other opportunities that you had never thought about before.

7. Time to yourself. I don't follow this advice.  But I do agree with it.  It is important to have balance between work and play and kids.  Even as a stay at home mom, I do feel replenished in the evenings if I get to take a bath alone as my husband watches them.  I enjoy reading a chapter of a book once the kids are in bed.  Or just being able to watch a movie or have a cup of tea with my husband gives me some me time and adult conversation.  I crave adult conversation at times and I can go days without getting it.  One of my goals should be to make time for myself at least once a week.  Set a day, where for a few hours in the evening, I can be alone to read, sleep, shop, bath, anything.

My list is pretty generic and has been mentioned before in other articles, but it is a compiled list that describes what I do and hope to do and gives me a small amount of satisfaction.  I do not believe there is a secret to happiness, but happiness is like having a relationship, it needs to be worked on and nurtured in order for it to grow and become a habit in daily life.

Norwalk Virus was in this house!!!

After three days of being sick, it is cleaning day.  It started on Sunday night when Markus woke up throwing up.  Shortly after we changed him, his sheets and the wall, I started to feel sick.  Tom actually slept on a mattress in the hallway near Markus.  Markus slept in the bathroom on his old baby mattress.  I slept in the other bathroom on a towel and Sonja slept in the bed.  She started throwing up around 3 am.  Tom was taking care of Markus was throwing up all night.  I was taking care of Sonja, but I was also throwing up all night and at a certain point, I just put towels over Sonja's vomit and let her sleep on the towels until morning.  It was Monday afternoon when Tom started throwing up.  I was doing laundry all day on Monday, yesterday and it continues today.  Tom is back at work today.  But, we have no energy.  I kept Markus home from school yesterday and from his karate classes.  So, tonight he is going to karate.  We all feel much better but our energy is low.  I am glad it is over with.  We got it from my nephew who brought it home from daycare.  My sister told me he was fine when we went to visit him on Saturday.  It spread like wildfire.  First my sister got it bad.  She was so dehydrated and with being pregnant, she had to stay the night in the hospital to get IV treatments.  Then my family got it at the same time.  Her husband now has it and so do her parents in law that have been staying with them.  This is all in the course of a week.  Today, is a day of tv watching for the kids, which I hate to do.  I always feel like a terrible mom if I put my kids in front of the tv all day.  But, I need to get cleaning done and get my energy up.  I could use a vacation!

I hope everyone is healthy and stays clear of this nasty virus.  It is awful.  Hopefully, no one gets it over the holidays.  Stay safe and healthy.

Is it OK to Not like your friends kids?

I was watching the Morning show and Liza Fromer had asked this question.  I thought about it and wondered what other people thought of this topic and this could be a good discussion amongst mothers.  Parenting is hard and I have noticed that many parents judge each other's parenting and sometimes it's hard not to.  So, if you do not like your friends kids, do you tell them?  I would never tell my friend because it is saying something against her parenting.  However, my friend may know by my actions.  Recently, I feel one of my friends does not like my children.  She has a son and daughter the same age as mine.  Every time I ask to get together, she will not answer the question but she will say, it can be just you and me that get together.  If I say Markus would love to see your son, she will ignore the comment and say how about we do something just the two of us.  When I have been with her, Markus has not wanted to leave her house and he put up a fuss.  Her son on the other hand, listens well, but I have seen him be mean behind his mom's back, where as Markus is loud but not mean, he doesn't know if he is doing it and so nothing is secretly done behind an adult's back or he is not trying to suck up to an adult.  However, it can often look bad when he throws a tantrum but later he tells me what the other kid did to cause it.  It is like that move Home Alone 2 when Kevin was singing in a school choir but his brother was behind him making faces and taunting him.  Finally Kevin had it and turned around and punched his brother, causing the back row to fall, people to fall off the stage and the displays to fall over, ruining the whole performance.  So who should get in trouble? Kevin or his older brother?

This irritated me with my friend, because I know she doesn't care to see my children and this hurts my feelings, because I feel she has judged my children but they are just kids.  Her children are no picnic either.  They have very different personalities, but they are also just kids and age 5 is a pretty annoying age.  They can be the sweetest kids ever and want to please and then suddenly throw the biggest tantrums over the smallest things.  At age 5, we sometimes forget that they are still little because it seems that they are so smart and can do so much for themselves but the reality is emotionally, they are still babies and learning how to communicate effectively, that does not happen over night.

So, it is possible to be friends if you do not like their children.  However, I think that although it is not said, it is implied.  Yet, I think we should all accept that kids change and sometimes I don't even like my own kids so I don't expect others to always love them either. As adults, we shouldn't take that one tantrum that our friends kids had and hold it against them and put them in a box, saying this is the way they are. Because it is not.  we can't all be in good moods.  Sometimes I say the "F" word and I can't stop.  But, it is not always like that, it depends how much sleep I have gotten the night before.  It is the same with our kids.  They can't all be well behaved all the time.

As kids get older and get more responsibilities and their peers play a huge role in shaping their personalities as well, then the parents can get together without kids.  The kids will make their own friends and that is okay.  I didn't always like my mom's long time friends as I got older and so I didn't have to see them.

Overall, when kids are so young, let's try not to judge, but if our kids don't like each other that is another story.  So, yes a friendship can still exist independent of the kids.  The aim though is try to get the kids to get along and constantly teach social interactions and how to play, listen and communicate.  It's all about learning.  That is how I look at it.

What are some other thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation?

How many Christmas gifts do you get for each kid?

With Christmas right around the corner and so many things that I want to get for my kids, I was wondering how many gifts do you get for your kids? And for what age group? Is there an appropriate number for the age group?

When I was young, my twin and I would often get gifts that would cover the entire living room floor between the two of us.  It was actually a bit ridonkulous. When I think of it, not one gift rings out in my memory that I loved as a child.  I remember getting a china doll with a white face and beautiful white dress but that is it.  I don't even know what happened to that doll.  I used to get lots of clothes...

For my kids, I do not want to overload them with gifts, where they don't appreciate them.  My two year old will not notice yet, but my 5 yr old will.  I want to also teach him that christmas is not just about gift getting but also about gift giving.  My son, does not ask for much at all.  We go to the store and I hear lots of kids beg their parents for things but my son does not.  He likes to play with the toys when he is there but when I say "C'mon we are leaving!" he leaves the toys behind and just follows me. At the cash, he will ask for a kinder egg.

One year, when he was 3, we went overboard with the gifts.  We celebrate Christmas eve.  He opened 5 presents and then got bored and on Christmas day when we gave him the rest of the gifts, he whinned and didn't want to open them, he said he had enough!  At the time, we went overboard out of guilt.  I wasn't spending a lot of time with him because I was pregnant and dad was in ICU and we were moving from an apartment to a house in a different city away from our friends, but closer to family, where he was the only kid.  His cousin was only 1 at the time, so did not get many gifts.

This year, he only asked for one thing and that was the xbox 360 new superheros lego marvel game that came out last week.  This leaves me to wonder what other parents do, if they have a limit with how much they get their kids and nieces and nephews etc.

In our family, we have a very small one.  My husbands parents go away every christmas, so we don't spend christmas with them.  They leave before christmas day.  So, we usually spend christmas eve with my sister and her husband and son.  On Christmas day, we are invited over to my brother in laws family. We have three kids only between us and therefore, we only get gifts for the kids and not the adults.

This is why I hate christmas.  There is so much pressure to give the perfect gift.  I just want to give all their old toys to children who need them more and give one gift to each child and that is it.  However, I think we should teach kids to have their own traditions and it doesn't matter what or how much the neighbour kids get. Am I right? Teach them that it is nice of santa to get gifts but he also wants to see use give to those that don't have as much.  How do I teach my children that giving is better than getting when at the ages of 3 to7 they like to copy each other and it is all about topping one another.  In elementary school, I was bullied for not having the coolest clothes like other kids.  My parents couldn't afford it.

Christmas presents itself with a lot of worries, sometimes worries that shouldn't be worries at all.  I say just do what feels right, while teaching giving and compassion but not just around Christmas, all year long.

Being a stay at home mom or a working mom is NOT always a choice. Stop Judging Women!!!!!

I hate when I hear people on the news or in general say it a "choice" and we have to live with that.  Lately I have been seeing articles circulate on facebook, yahoo and twitter, such as Why I regret being a stay at home mom and in response to that another angry blogger wrote Why I don't regret being a stay at home mom, this was on Huffington post.  On Facebook, an article was posted: What does a stay at home mom do all day and then another article: What Not to say to a working mom followed by an article: Being a mom in Not the most important job.

 Everyone is trying to just defend their position and roles in their current life.  It baffles me because the grass is always greener on the other side and in this life we are all just trying to do the best we can.  So, women, especially need to stop judging each other's parenting abilities, unless we see complete cruelty and need to get CAS involved, we need to lend a helping hand to others.  Instead of patting ourselves on the back and thinking, thank god my child doesn't act that way etc.  The truth of the matter is that sometimes it is hard not to judge, especially when we feel dissatisfied with our current roles, we need to make ourselves feel better by looking at our children's behaviour and attributing their good or bad behaviour to whether we stay home and spend enough time with them or work outside the home.  Either way, parents that work outside the home or inside the home will feel guilty about something. Guess what? our kids will love us and be happy if we are happy.  They will model what they see.  If we smile a lot at our kids, they will smile back and they will smile outside at others as well, whether we work or not.

I wanted to comment first of all on the "choice" thing because that really bothered me.  Then I want to comment on what stay at home moms do all day and then on what not to say to a working mom.
It is not a choice that I stay home with my kids.  We made a decision based on what is economically best for the family unit considering my position in life before we had the kids and the circumstances that followed.  It is not always a "choice" when the woman or man works a lower paying job and has to make sacrifices in order to maintain the family unit.  I went on mat leave with my son 5 yrs ago.  When I wanted to return to work, they would not give me my job back.  I could have sued but I did not because I didn't make enough and I would lose money.  It was not a job I cared for and would not want to work that company again that do not value women's rights.  After my second child, my husband works all the time and we have no family support around that I would not make enough to pay for daycare for two kids.  My sister is a teacher and my brother in law in the same boat works retail and shift work.  He has compromised his family time for work and he has had my support that allowed him to do that.  I would care for my nephew for free.  In order to build someone up, someone has to be there to provide the support.  A cushion for landing.  I became just that.  I watched my nephew, my husband could work all hours and week ends, I am there for the kids and my brother in law could work and take my sister to her doctors appointments for the basal cell carcinoma and now she is pregnant again.

There are times, when I would love to work outside the home just to feel like I was developing some skills that did not involve cleaning up messes all day and setting up activities for the kids. However, this is temporary. On the flip side, women who work, like my sister, it is not a choice.  My sister has to work, her husband doesn't make enough to support a family and my sister also loves her job. Yet, some women have to work and so do their husbands to maintain a comfortable lifestyle and live within their means.  For some couples, it is a choice, but they choice to live well below their means and compromise a lot to stay home, some women have disabled children and are forced to stay home and are barely surviving economically, just stretching it thin.  Therefore, you make choices within your means and if one choice is a choice your not willing to do, because it's a matter of the lesser of two evils, then it is not really a choice.  Woman make choices based on what can be done and what is economically best for their family.

Another point, we are failing to acknowledge is that there should be more social programs and help to get long time stay at home moms back in the workforce.  A program that is costly and helps update skills, provides counselling and perhaps low cost babysitting, one on one support.

As for what do stay at home moms do all day? Well, the article came across as being very defensive and went into "let me tell you!" in your face.  Then, talked about scheduling appointments, chauffering kids around, caring for sick children, laundry, cleaning, setting up activities, cooking etc.  Well, I say working moms do that as well, unless they have a nanny or hired help or retired grandparents.  But, let's assume working moms do that also.  No days for me are the same and I also have time to wonder this very question myself.  I wish someone would just give me a schedule that I can go through and check off as I complete the tasks.  Some days, I am bored.  After my son goes to school, I play with my daughter for a bit, try to get her outside if the weather is nice and based on how I am feeling.  I made a stress ball with the kids a few days ago out of rice and balloons and they loved it. When I am not cooking, vacuuming or cleaning, which is not everyday or scheduling appointments, I have loads of time to play with my kids.  There are gray days where I sit them in front of the tv and I go on the computer and we don't talk for hours.  I feel completely bored and numb.  Yet, when I do call a friend out of boredom and I need some higher interaction, other than what my kids provide me, that is the moment they need something and will not leave me alone.

I do get bored.  I also have days that are fast paced and I can't believe where the time as gone.  Two days a week, I look after someone else's child and get paid a little something.  I do it so my son will have a play mate.  I also try to get out of the house the two days that I get a car.  My husband and I share the car, this also makes it hard for me to find a job, transportation and living in the suburbs, where buses come once every hour.

Overall, woman need to support each other and as far as what not to say to working moms, well stay at home moms also get the same comments such as "you stay home, good for you" or "you work, good for you, I couldn't do it, I would miss my kids too much, but good for you".  Either way, it is condescending.  We also need to stop being so sensitive.  If someone else says they couldn't work outside the home, well, then they couldn't or they could just be trying to make themselves feel better.  Let's show others more understanding.  If someone says to me "your lucky you get to stay home, I wish I could", I will respond with, yeah I know, I would also love to work outside the home somedays, but this is temporary".

The bottom line is that while our kids are young, these moments are fleeting and temporary and no matter whether you work or stay home, your kids will know how much you love them and that you are trying to do the best you can for the family. It is not about you (MOM) it is about the kids and guiding and teaching and personal development as well as social development.  It is about learning and growing with your kids at any age!

What do you think about the stay at home vs working mom debate? Is it time to end the debate? Which is happier the working mom or stay at home mom? And how long should you stay home and at what age does your youngest child have to be before the stay at home mom looks for work? Should there be more social programs to help stay at home moms re enter the workforce?