I hate when I hear people on the news or in general say it a "choice" and we have to live with that. Lately I have been seeing articles circulate on facebook, yahoo and twitter, such as Why I regret being a stay at home mom and in response to that another angry blogger wrote Why I don't regret being a stay at home mom, this was on Huffington post. On Facebook, an article was posted: What does a stay at home mom do all day and then another article: What Not to say to a working mom followed by an article: Being a mom in Not the most important job.
Everyone is trying to just defend their position and roles in their current life. It baffles me because the grass is always greener on the other side and in this life we are all just trying to do the best we can. So, women, especially need to stop judging each other's parenting abilities, unless we see complete cruelty and need to get CAS involved, we need to lend a helping hand to others. Instead of patting ourselves on the back and thinking, thank god my child doesn't act that way etc. The truth of the matter is that sometimes it is hard not to judge, especially when we feel dissatisfied with our current roles, we need to make ourselves feel better by looking at our children's behaviour and attributing their good or bad behaviour to whether we stay home and spend enough time with them or work outside the home. Either way, parents that work outside the home or inside the home will feel guilty about something. Guess what? our kids will love us and be happy if we are happy. They will model what they see. If we smile a lot at our kids, they will smile back and they will smile outside at others as well, whether we work or not.
I wanted to comment first of all on the "choice" thing because that really bothered me. Then I want to comment on what stay at home moms do all day and then on what not to say to a working mom.
It is not a choice that I stay home with my kids. We made a decision based on what is economically best for the family unit considering my position in life before we had the kids and the circumstances that followed. It is not always a "choice" when the woman or man works a lower paying job and has to make sacrifices in order to maintain the family unit. I went on mat leave with my son 5 yrs ago. When I wanted to return to work, they would not give me my job back. I could have sued but I did not because I didn't make enough and I would lose money. It was not a job I cared for and would not want to work that company again that do not value women's rights. After my second child, my husband works all the time and we have no family support around that I would not make enough to pay for daycare for two kids. My sister is a teacher and my brother in law in the same boat works retail and shift work. He has compromised his family time for work and he has had my support that allowed him to do that. I would care for my nephew for free. In order to build someone up, someone has to be there to provide the support. A cushion for landing. I became just that. I watched my nephew, my husband could work all hours and week ends, I am there for the kids and my brother in law could work and take my sister to her doctors appointments for the basal cell carcinoma and now she is pregnant again.
There are times, when I would love to work outside the home just to feel like I was developing some skills that did not involve cleaning up messes all day and setting up activities for the kids. However, this is temporary. On the flip side, women who work, like my sister, it is not a choice. My sister has to work, her husband doesn't make enough to support a family and my sister also loves her job. Yet, some women have to work and so do their husbands to maintain a comfortable lifestyle and live within their means. For some couples, it is a choice, but they choice to live well below their means and compromise a lot to stay home, some women have disabled children and are forced to stay home and are barely surviving economically, just stretching it thin. Therefore, you make choices within your means and if one choice is a choice your not willing to do, because it's a matter of the lesser of two evils, then it is not really a choice. Woman make choices based on what can be done and what is economically best for their family.
Another point, we are failing to acknowledge is that there should be more social programs and help to get long time stay at home moms back in the workforce. A program that is costly and helps update skills, provides counselling and perhaps low cost babysitting, one on one support.
As for what do stay at home moms do all day? Well, the article came across as being very defensive and went into "let me tell you!" in your face. Then, talked about scheduling appointments, chauffering kids around, caring for sick children, laundry, cleaning, setting up activities, cooking etc. Well, I say working moms do that as well, unless they have a nanny or hired help or retired grandparents. But, let's assume working moms do that also. No days for me are the same and I also have time to wonder this very question myself. I wish someone would just give me a schedule that I can go through and check off as I complete the tasks. Some days, I am bored. After my son goes to school, I play with my daughter for a bit, try to get her outside if the weather is nice and based on how I am feeling. I made a stress ball with the kids a few days ago out of rice and balloons and they loved it. When I am not cooking, vacuuming or cleaning, which is not everyday or scheduling appointments, I have loads of time to play with my kids. There are gray days where I sit them in front of the tv and I go on the computer and we don't talk for hours. I feel completely bored and numb. Yet, when I do call a friend out of boredom and I need some higher interaction, other than what my kids provide me, that is the moment they need something and will not leave me alone.
I do get bored. I also have days that are fast paced and I can't believe where the time as gone. Two days a week, I look after someone else's child and get paid a little something. I do it so my son will have a play mate. I also try to get out of the house the two days that I get a car. My husband and I share the car, this also makes it hard for me to find a job, transportation and living in the suburbs, where buses come once every hour.
Overall, woman need to support each other and as far as what not to say to working moms, well stay at home moms also get the same comments such as "you stay home, good for you" or "you work, good for you, I couldn't do it, I would miss my kids too much, but good for you". Either way, it is condescending. We also need to stop being so sensitive. If someone else says they couldn't work outside the home, well, then they couldn't or they could just be trying to make themselves feel better. Let's show others more understanding. If someone says to me "your lucky you get to stay home, I wish I could", I will respond with, yeah I know, I would also love to work outside the home somedays, but this is temporary".
The bottom line is that while our kids are young, these moments are fleeting and temporary and no matter whether you work or stay home, your kids will know how much you love them and that you are trying to do the best you can for the family. It is not about you (MOM) it is about the kids and guiding and teaching and personal development as well as social development. It is about learning and growing with your kids at any age!
What do you think about the stay at home vs working mom debate? Is it time to end the debate? Which is happier the working mom or stay at home mom? And how long should you stay home and at what age does your youngest child have to be before the stay at home mom looks for work? Should there be more social programs to help stay at home moms re enter the workforce?
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