Mommy daycare

I am now babysitting a cute 2 yr old. He looks like one of the characters from my favorite childhood books. Have you ever heard of the Tiggy series? He looks like Tiggy. His hair is dark and wild. It is adorable. I was actually approached by a woman in my condo, who cleans the building and she saw how I was with my son and asked if I could sit for her while she cleans. I gladly said yes, I thought it would be good for my son to have a playmate. Right now, I can hear them laughing and playing while jumping on the mattress I set out for them.

I was thinking of getting another child in here to sit for as well. That way, I would make an extra bit of money and have fun at the same time. I enjoy staying home, cooking and cleaning for now. I mean I still want to look into school and other options to get out of the house, but for now it is nice. If I got another child in here, I would be making as much as I did on maternity leave and that was okay. I think a small condo would be alright for 3 children. How would I advertise? Should I put a posting in my building? I have no idea. My husband is not very supportive in helping me shape some sort of concrete job plan into my life. I have to figure things out more or less on my own. Isn't that the way life is really? Figuring stuff out on your own and others can just be there to listen and wave in the sidelines as you still walk your path alone.

Tom and I, went to Chapters yesterday with our son. We thought it would be nice to get out. The weather was sunny, a little windy but nice. I saw a book by Peg Streep entitled "Mean Mothers", I was intrigued. I started to read a few chapters right there in the bookstore. I guess I was intrigued because I wanted to know what kind of mean mothers she was talking about. She was talking about the ones that are neglectful, over critical, emotionally distant, not the abusive ones that beat or verbally demean you. It is not like that but she goes on to talk about from a psychological perspective how damaging the mother daughter relationship can be, when everyone believes that every mother loves her child when not every mother does. She discusses how there is a myth that once you have children, you automatically love them and nature takes over and you become loving. However, to love in the way of being emotionally present, in the moment is learned behaviour and it can have damaging affects on the daughter her son. Sure, a mother can fed and cloth her child, but what about listening, hugging, validating, asking questions to be involved in your child's life? Those are the things that foster a sense of self and self worth. If someone is missing those elements, it can lead to a sense of worthlessness and low self esteem and a lot of insecurities in work life and with personal relationships.

I guess this book hit me because I began thinking about the relationship with my mother. My mother made sure we had enough to eat and nice clothing on our back, she gave us everything we needed and wanted. However, for me it was not enough. I felt my mother was emotionally distant. When I needed her the most she would withdraw her attention from me and make me feel bad. It started when I was 13 and she became very critical of me. The only time she really would talk is when she needed us to listen because she was fighting with our father and she needed a friend. We were her emotional support. My mother was emotionally abused herself by her mother. At the age of 60, she still feels the pain. I understand where it comes from.

In any case, my mom wants me to visit her in Germany. I am tight with money because I have a huge student loan that I am trying to pay off, which I did not have any support or help from her when I was a student and needed the most. In fact, she always yelled at me to give her more money for bills and for living at home etc. She told me to buy groceries and made me feel bad if I didn't. I know every one should help their parents out if given the chance, however, I was a student with more debt than anything, I worked full time and went to school, needless to say my grades were poor. I just wish I could have gotten that extra support. Now, I need my husband to go with me, even though he suggested I go alone to save money. He needs to be there because he is the buffer. There has always been a buffer. If it was just me and my son, it would not be enjoyable and we would fight.