Saturday

I have not felt this tired since I was pregnant with Markus. I slept for a little bit, but my eyes still feel heavy. I do not think I am pregnant again, because when I was pregnant the first time, the first sign was that I could not stand the smell or taste of chocolate. Right now, as I type and I am drinking coffee and I had quite a few chocolates already. It could be just the weather. My husband has gone to the library. I feel down, I don't know why, I probably should not have watched the last final episodes in Six Feet Under that we downloaded. They were hard to watch. They writers tried every means to stay away from conventional main stream, they tried to do the opposite of what was right. I loved the series, I guess it just reminds me of how human we can be sometimes. However, I would watch the last episodes with caution, might make you feel glum and pensive for a little while afterwards.

I think it is starting to hit me now that I did not get into teacher's college and that everything is still up in the air. I am trying to be happy because I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me when I thought no one else would and a beautiful baby. However, I want more. I don't want to feel guilty for not wanting to see my dad in Kitchener that often. I promised him we would meet him in church tomorrow. I don't want to feel guilty every time I talk to my mother in Germany over skype. She wants us to visit soon. I am always afraid to talk to her because of her put downs. I know her mother did it to her, but she does not realize that she does it to me. This morning I made apple fritatta's and I was telling my mom over skype. She asked how I made them, they were different than how she would have made them. When I told her that I got the recipe over the internet, she said sometimes they just want to sell their products, so they will use things you don't need to use such as cool whip. I was angry because there was no point in telling me that. I used whatever I had in the place. Then she said in that patronizing tone and selfish smile, alright, alright, well that's alright, you can always remake them next time. I am thinking, you spent my whole life trying to make me feel bad and now you are still doing it over skype and all the way from Germany. We did not cause a fight, because my husband was there and he talked to her. She listens to men very well and she flirts with them. My husband is the one who holds the communication together. If he was not there, we would fight.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about my past, my parents and where I am now. I thank my parents for giving me life, but I want to move forward to think about how I want to be with Markus. I never want to make him feel bad, the way my parents made me feel. I want to learn how to let go, so I can start this new chapter in my life fresh. It is a work in progress. This journey, where will it lead me. If I get too down now, I might not see the wonderful things during the journey and I won't see where it will lead me. Be positive, just breath.