Why are there no websites dedicated to mothers who were not able to go back after maternity leave?

I was curious to see what some other moms do once their maternity leave runs out, but there was no job to come back to. There were no websites on this. This upsets me some because I worked for Pitney Bowes when I got pregnant nearly two years ago. However, in the mean time we moved from Toronto to Mississauga. Two weeks before my maternity ended last June, I called Pitney Bowes and asked if they could put me in their Mississauga office. They said they would get back to me, but they never did. I then called the new manager Shelby in the Toronto location and asked to have him call me back, which he never did. I later learned that they had taken me off their computer system, so essentially they did not want me back. I do not take it personally now, because Paul, who worked in the print shop had been there 11 yrs. He has bad poker back arthritis and had to have a serious surgery that would take him out of the work force for a few months. However, when he was healed and ready to come back, they did the same thing to him and that was recently. Paul is now unemployed. This really upsets me, I think there should be more websites dedicated to women and men alike who go through these bad situations with unethical companies. Many companies get away with it because people do not like to talk about these things. It infuriates me that when someone does speak up because they feel victimized, it is perceived by others that they are complaining and have no right. I feel we should be more open and honest with one another and say how things really are instead of protect the guy at the top, getting rich off us poor folk. It may sound like I am exaggerating and maybe I am, but I am angry that huge companies can work in unethical and dishonest ways.

I wonder what other mother's do after maternity leave and they are unable to go back to work for some reasons beyond their means, but it was not by choice.

I also saw a news story this morning, how an elderly man was mugged in Toronto right in front of a subway station. There were many bystanders and no one helped him. The report was really asking the question whether we think Toronto is a cold city and how can we bring the good back into Toronto. I find that it is a rather cold city, people are not friendly, but I think it is due to being a big city and many people are afraid, more multiculturalism is not always a good thing, it comes down to that we are afraid. In comparison to the States, I am glad I live here and it is far better with our laws and policies. Overall, I hope it changes for the better, but how? I will try to do my part by saying hello to random people walking down the street.

Saturday

I have not felt this tired since I was pregnant with Markus. I slept for a little bit, but my eyes still feel heavy. I do not think I am pregnant again, because when I was pregnant the first time, the first sign was that I could not stand the smell or taste of chocolate. Right now, as I type and I am drinking coffee and I had quite a few chocolates already. It could be just the weather. My husband has gone to the library. I feel down, I don't know why, I probably should not have watched the last final episodes in Six Feet Under that we downloaded. They were hard to watch. They writers tried every means to stay away from conventional main stream, they tried to do the opposite of what was right. I loved the series, I guess it just reminds me of how human we can be sometimes. However, I would watch the last episodes with caution, might make you feel glum and pensive for a little while afterwards.

I think it is starting to hit me now that I did not get into teacher's college and that everything is still up in the air. I am trying to be happy because I have a roof over my head, a husband who loves me when I thought no one else would and a beautiful baby. However, I want more. I don't want to feel guilty for not wanting to see my dad in Kitchener that often. I promised him we would meet him in church tomorrow. I don't want to feel guilty every time I talk to my mother in Germany over skype. She wants us to visit soon. I am always afraid to talk to her because of her put downs. I know her mother did it to her, but she does not realize that she does it to me. This morning I made apple fritatta's and I was telling my mom over skype. She asked how I made them, they were different than how she would have made them. When I told her that I got the recipe over the internet, she said sometimes they just want to sell their products, so they will use things you don't need to use such as cool whip. I was angry because there was no point in telling me that. I used whatever I had in the place. Then she said in that patronizing tone and selfish smile, alright, alright, well that's alright, you can always remake them next time. I am thinking, you spent my whole life trying to make me feel bad and now you are still doing it over skype and all the way from Germany. We did not cause a fight, because my husband was there and he talked to her. She listens to men very well and she flirts with them. My husband is the one who holds the communication together. If he was not there, we would fight.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about my past, my parents and where I am now. I thank my parents for giving me life, but I want to move forward to think about how I want to be with Markus. I never want to make him feel bad, the way my parents made me feel. I want to learn how to let go, so I can start this new chapter in my life fresh. It is a work in progress. This journey, where will it lead me. If I get too down now, I might not see the wonderful things during the journey and I won't see where it will lead me. Be positive, just breath.

Anniversary

It was our 2 yr anniversary yesterday. We went to the brewery in Toronto and ate at the Mill brewery. I was disappointed with my meal. I ordered the tenderloin and bacon. I mean it was good but it came on a rectangular plate and you needed a magnifying glass to see where the food was. It was $20.00!!!!!! It was crazy for such a little portion and it was not even a fancy restaurant, it was pub food style. I did enjoy being able to eat a meal without Markus there, he was with his aunt Yoshe, who is practicing for when she has her baby. It was nice to be able to talk to my husband the way we used to talk when we were first dating. It is hard to imagine that 4 yrs ago, we were so in love and full of lust. Now our relationship is still good, but it changed into something else. The fire and heat that was there has turned more into a simmer, but it is a good thing, because I also do not have to deal with those insecurities that I use to feel when your first dating. We know each other well and therefore, we may struggle to bring to new things that we can talk about to the table. In any case, it was nice to look good and go out hand in hand, without pushing a stroller.

I am shortly going to take Markus to the park, it is a beautiful day and I am going with a friend. I got our lunches ready and set to go, I just have to get myself ready, but I have a couple hours still.

I am reading a book by Ayn Rand "The virtue of Selfishness". I read it in high school, but I forgot what it was about. I saw it at a friends place and asked to borrow it. So far, she is discussing the philosophy of our survival and how we evolved and began surviving based on instinct, like nurture vs nature type of thing and she talks about animals that need to be selfish to survive, like Darwins "Survival of the fittest". However, humans are more complex because we have the power to think and be rational, so she goes on to discuss where our morality comes from. I like that she does not believe our morality comes from the "bible", it can come from our upbringing that is instilled in us through positive parenting, or we could have come from a bad environment and circumstance but still have good morals because it is apart of our genetic makeup. Either way, I get from the read that being selfish is a good thing as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others. We have to look out for ourselves in order to give a part of ourselves fully and completely to others and charities. We have to get rid of the guilt we feel of where our morality actually comes from. It is an interesting topic for discussion.

Volunteer Work

It was a hard night. Markus did not sleep. He came into our room at 3 in the morning. We played musical beds for a while, as I took him back to his room, as he was falling asleep, I went back to mine, a few minutes later, he was in our room again. I finally decided to sleep in his room. He now has a cold and so do I. My throat feels so coarse. His nose is runny. Yet, the sun is shinning and I want to go out and enjoy the day.

I have volunteer work tonight. I teach reading and writing skills to Newcomers to Canada, who have for one reason or another not had the opportunity for a formal education in their home countries. I am teaching this sweet Jamaican woman in her late 40's. In Jamaica, high school costs a lot of money. Therefore, only people who can afford it can go, they do not get gov't funding, like we do here for University. I think that is horrible. Everyone has a right to a basic education, it should be free. In any case, I have to commend her, it is not easy to learn to read and write at an older age. There is also the embarrassment that goes with it. It's not embarrassing for other people, I am just thinking about how she may feel. She is a very sweet woman and I like teaching her.

I am focused on keeping my resume active and looking for work. I will put my volunteer experience at the top of my resume, so it looks like there are no gaps. In the cover letter, I will explain staying home to care for my son. I just wish I was not in limbo about teacher's college. The sooner I know for sure whether I go or not, the better it will be for me to make other plans. I was also thinking of writing a children's book. I don't know how to start.

I went for a walk with Markus. I was going to Burger king and then to Coles book store to get ideas. I ran into my neighbour on the way out of our building. She lives across the hall from me and she has a 19 month old son. She was going to the park to meet up with her husband and have lunch. She invited me to come. I am not feeling well today, so I took a rain check for tomorrow around the same time. I am excited for another day tomorrow.

At coles, I bought a Robert Munsh book. I love him just as I did when I was a kid. I hope Markus will love him just as much as I do. I was hoping to get ideas on what I should write about, but nothing really comes to mind. Here are a few ideas I thought of so far:

I have pharoah ants in my apartment, so I was thinking of writing about how Markus finds these pharoah ants and his reaction to them

I was thinking of writing about traveling to places that I have been to like Japan, Australia, Germany, France, England, Ireland, but I do not know how to write that from a child's perspective.

Markus and how he loves music and dancing. I will title it "The boy who could not stop dancing".

Those are just a few ideas. I may talk to my sister to help me with the illustrations as well.

The Head cold

My head is not even apart of the rest of my body. My mind is not here, it is on another planet. The can't hear what anyone is saying, just want this cold to go away planet. My son has remained in his diapers all day long. Of course, I have changed him throughout the day and he is quite content to not have any restrictive clothing on today. My neck and back are soar, but I think that is from Yoga yesterday. I think I got this cold because we went to a friends on saturday and her kids had colds. We decided it was going to be a day of cooking, eating and talking and allowing the kids to go wild. I cooked these sweet potatoes. The recipe was on the back of a rice crispy cereal box. If anyone is interested the recipe is:

2 medium size sweet potatoes, peeled and cut length wise

4 eggs

2tbsp garlic powder

1/4 cup flour

1tsp maple syrup

crushed rice crispy's

In a bowl mix flour and seasoning, garlic powder or salt and pepper together. In another bowl, mix eggs and maple syrup and in another bowl place rice crispy's. First take the sweet potatoes one at a time and dip in flour mix. Shake off excess flour and dip in egg mix and then roll in rice crispy's. Place on a flat tin foiled lined pan, put in oven for 40 minutes to an hour.

For the dip, mix mayonnaise and cayenne pepper together.

It is a great and easy appetizer for any get together. My friend made scones, which we ate with cool whip and jam. My sister bought the carrot cake because she does not cook or bake. My husband made the chilli and it was the best chilli he had ever made. Since I have known him, only 4 years now, he has been looking for the perfect chilli recipe. He made it with pork instead of beef and pork is a lot easier to work with in my opinion. We ate that with sour cream and cheese. It was amazing. The kids loved it. We bathed them and let them go crazy, jumping on furniture, screaming and rolling over. It tired my son out. On the way back to Mississauga from Oshawa, Markus slept and we carried him in our condo and he slept all night. This was the first. My son is not a sleeper, he fights tiredness every step of the way. He sleeps in a big boy bed now, so once we give him his bath, brush his teeth, give him his sippy cup with water, read him a story, turn on the music and put him to bed, he is fine. However, only 2 or 3 hrs later, he will wake up and walk over to our room and wake me up. I have to lugg myself out of bed and grab his sippy cup from his room, take it over to ours and try to get him to sleep again. But, he wants to cuddle and then I can't sleep. It is very frustrating. I wonder if other parents have the same problem.

Also, I am looking for activities to do with my 20 month old. He is getting more active. We live in a small condo. We have a nice Japanese style zen garden right across the street from us. I have taken him for walks there and to see the snapping turtles and feed the ducks. The ducks will come right up to our feet, they can be quite aggressive. We also have square one shopping mall across the street and that is it!!! There is only so much of taking him for walks in Kariya park and to the shopping mall that I can take. My son will get bored. I am looking for creative ideas that we could do together. I showed him play doh a while ago, but it just got messy and he began to throw it at me. It gets boring very easily. I don't want him to watch too much tv. He is watching tv right now just before I give him a bath. If anyone sees this blog and is willing to read through this, please let me know of any ideas. My email address is tonkal@hotmail.com.

My husband downloaded every episode of "Six feet under". I am addicted to that show. I am now on the fourth season. I just can't wait to watch it tonight. I want to watch it now, but my husband is not home and he would kill me if I went a head and watched it on my own because he wants that to be something we do together.

It is time to give my little man a bath.

Today is the first day of something GREAAAAAAAAAT!

I have never written a blog before. I am a blog virgin. My aim is to express my guilt, frustration, confusion and anxiety about being a stay at home mom, not by choice, I just can't find a job and the place I worked at before I got pregnant did not take me back. Also, how to deal with the anxiety of looking for work while taking care of a toddler. To go back to work or school or not to go, the joys of child raising and the conflicting everyday decisions that new mothers face. Hopefully, other people can relate, whether they are a mom or not. Basically, it is about life and trying to find out who I am after being a mom.

I applied for teachers college, my third year in a row. I did not get in, except I got onto the waiting list for one. I was disappointed because the second time I applied, I did get in but I got pregnant. The best surprise I have ever been given. I had the most beautiful boy in the world. The decision to not go at that time and stay home with my newborn was the best decision at the time. I got to enjoy, spend time with and bond with my son. He is now 20 months. He is very active and happy. Smiling and laughing all the time. It is hard to imagine that when motherhood is getting more rewarding and enjoyable as he gets older that maternity is only 1 yr. I think maternity should be 2 years, he needs me more now than before. He always wants to talk to me and he follows me around the condo, as I do my chores singing to me or talking to me in his baby talk that I understand completely. If I leave for a moment, he cries. When he smiles at me and says "hiiiiiiiiiii" very loudly, my heart melts. However, the reality is that maternity is only 1 yr and it is hard because you can't get unemployment because you used it up on maternity leave and the old job won't give your job back. On the other hand, you did not make enough anyway to support daycare costs so you would be working to have someone else play "mommy" to your child. This is a never ending dilemma that I know many women know well.

In any case, this year I have to wait to see if I actually get accepted to teachers college. At the same time I question if this is something I really want to do. My twin sister is a teacher. We applied the first time at the same time. She got in and I did not. She was also among the very few that got a teaching position straight out of college out of pure luck, literally. She walked into the wrong interview. The position was for a French teacher. We do not speak French. They realized their mistake, but liked her so hired her anyway. Most people out of college have to supply teach for years before a position becomes available. My sister teaches grade 8 and she says that unfortunately no one is in teaching for the kids anymore. She hates her class.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, she was soooooo jealous. She had been married for 9 years and had no children. I was only with my boyfriend for one year. We married when I was 7 months pregnant. I bought my wedding dress at Fairweather for $100.00. I am proud of that. It was a prom dress really, but the flowing white dress looked great on a pregnant woman. I guess the point is to tell you that my sister and her husband started trying for a child as soon as she heard I was pregnant. They had difficulty. She ended up going to a fertility specialist that diagnosed her with having Anovulation, which is very common in woman, 10% of women have it. They put her on medication and she is now pregnant. She goes for her first ultra sound April 19th. After two years of trying. I am so happy for her. She no longer has to be jealous that I have a son. I am still envious that she is a teacher, when I wanted it at the same time. this is 5 years later and I am still trying.

I don't want to sound like I am complaining. I am not, I love my life now and I love my son, sister and husband. Things are as they should be. However, I always thought in my 30's I would have it all figured out. The journey never ends, we just get better at being more decisive about what it is we want.

My son woke up and is crying, so I have to sign off. I would love to hear other stories as well.