Bullying Awareness Month: Is your kid being bullied?

This has been a topic that is heavily on my mind.  Since my son started school, I worry about bullying a lot because I know the school playground can be a tough place.  Bullying doesn't just happen in the playground, it also happens in the work place.  Those same playground bullies grow up into work place bullies and the targets of bullying can either grow up into work place victims or change into work place bullies as well.  It is hard to stop it without early intervention. Therefore, I try to talk to my son as much as I can about bullying without scaring him.  Recently, I have suspected that he is being bullied at school.  here is the situation that made me believe this:

Last week, although I tell him over and over again to NOT bring his toys to school, he brought a spider man figurine to school without my knowing.  He came home and told me about it and that a kid in his class asked to take it home and give it back the next time they saw each other.  Well, the boy did not bring it back and when my son asked for it, the boy said that he did not promise to bring it back.  In a way, I think this is a great lesson for him that you can not trust everyone and this is the reason you don't bring toys to school.  They don't even have show and tell in this school, which I think is a great idea.  I always hated show and tell, even when I was a little girl.  It just gave the rich kids a chance to show off what new things they got and it made the poor kids feel bad, especially if someone insulted the item or criticized.  It gave kids a chance to compare themselves to each other and feel good or bad about it.
So, my son told me that this same boy gets angry easily and doesn't always want to be friends.  This naturally concerned me and my son said that he is not the only one in the class, he gets mad at other kids as well.

Today, I took my daughter to get a flu shot and I went to the mall to get a coffee and buy some scarfs and mitts for my son for this coming winter (a little late) anyway, I got a call from his school asking to bring in more clothes because he had an accident in the bathroom.  I rushed home, grabbed a bag with underwear, pants, shirt, socks and shoes and rushed to the school with my sleeping daughter in arms.  He has not had an accident in a very very long time.  I wonder if something happened today to make him feel bad or if he was feeling scared or nervous.

Another sign I have noticed is that he seems to yell a lot more and get moody.  I don't know if this is typical 5 yr old behaviour, but he snaps at his sister a lot, takes away her toys, refuses to share. Sometimes, I don't know how to handle it.  I yell a lot at him, when he does that as well and I need to stop!!!! I hate myself for it. His confidence is also low.  He gets angry when I ask him to read with me or do a work book with me.  I know he does not want to feel like I am testing him, but a boy I sit for will gladly do it.  He doesn't like to try.  Yesterday in swimming, it was his last day and he has to take it over again.  I asked him in the car if he wanted to continue with swimming and he said that he wanted to go with just daddy alone.  He doesn't want to be in a class anymore.  My husband said that maybe he noticed how all the other kids got badges and he didn't.  Yet, he handled it well.  He is not one to go on and on about a topic once it has been addressed.  He moves on pretty quickly.

Although, yesterday for bedtime, I asked him to choose a story and he said he wanted a book about bullying.  So we read "Say Something" by Peggy Moss. I have read this to him since he was 3, but he never chooses this story for bedtime and yesterday was the first time.

I want him and my daughter to know, that their dad and I are always there for them and we will support them through anything.  I also want them to be able to share things with us and communicate their feelings.

It brings back childhood memories.  I hated school.  We moved when I was in grade 2.  At the new school, I was terrible bullied.  It did not matter that I am a twin.  My parents seemed to support my sister more than I because she was always sick and she cried a lot more than I did.  We were also raised in the day when you have to TOUGH it out.  Kids will be kids and it is just apart of life.  I was bullied from grade 3, all the way to high school. Kids knocked over my desk and I was called out and talked to as if it were my fault.  My parents never went into the school.  I was hit, kicked and punched and called stupid and ugly because I was shy and I was not an attractive kid, but I am a beautiful woman.  I am the story of the ugly duckling.

The point is that my parents, were bullied as well, by dad because he had a disability since I was born, since he was a child, he could not play sports. My mom, I have no idea why she was bullied but she talks about one incident and I don't think it was repetitive, as was the case with my father and myself. They did nothing.  They were always there for my sister, but my personality was a lot tougher because I cried alone instead of in front of other people like my sister.  So, naturally they gave her more love and attention.  Recently, my sister had cancer and she had a surgery to remove it, she is good as far as we know and she is pregnant again.  So, my mother has always thought that I was the strong one and they have more of a friendship until this day.

My past experiences make me worry about my kids.  My experiences are not theirs.  My husband does not have these experiences.  As a parent all I can do is keep the dialogue going.

Missing my dad!!

It has been nearly 2 yrs since the accident.  We settled in court.  No amount of money can replace my father.  It is such a surreal feeling.  I still feel as if I am living someone else's life.  The first thing I wanted to do when the lawyer told us that we settled was to call my dad and let him know the good news. But, then I remembered...I can't.  When I read all the medical reports over before it went to court, tears poured down my face.  I almost forgot how much my dad suffered before he finally sucame to his injuries.  I felt like it was happening all over again.

The past two weeks I have been having insomnia.  I have been thinking about my dad and has Sonja sleeps soundly beside me, I lay awake weeping and wishing that my dad could have met her.  She was born three weeks after he died.  She will never know her Grandfather.  But with the settlement, Markus gets money put away that he can use for his education when he is 18 and one day I will be able to say, this is a gift from your grandfather.  Sonja never met him and so she doesn't get anything. I remember the last time Markus saw Grandpa.  We went to his church for a Christmas dinner and Markus got to sit on santa's lap and get candy.  Markus asked Grandpa to play the piano.  My dad didn't know how to play the piano and I laughed and said "Of course, to him, Grandpa can do anything!" My dad went over and played a few notes and Markus, 3 yrs old at the time was fascinated.

I lost touch with Frank.  We had him over once last year for dinner to watch some old video tapes of my dads life before us.  After that, I did not really hear from him anymore.  Frank was my dad's best friend through out university and like our second father.  he also was friends with my mother independently of my father.  My mother and father did not even know each other at the time.  Well, I thought that my friendship with Frank would stay strong, but it has wilted away as well.  I tried calling him many many times, he either seemed to let me go quickly, he was on his way out or he implied that I can only contact him when I go to visit my father's grave next.

Life is strange, I can still hear my fathers voice clearly in my head. I have a lot of guilt.  I wish I would have been nicer to him when he was alive.  I wonder if he ever knew how much I did appreciate him and how much I did love him because I never said it.  I miss you dad!

One more Year

This summer has flown by. It has been a great summer. We tried to do as many things as possible and with our son being 5, it is just the right time to give him has many experiences as possible. Although, at the beginning of the summer, I got a part time job, but before it began, I had to quit.  Partially because I have no one to look after my children.  Also, the pay is not worth it for me to pay for daycare and there was no transportation to get there and we share one car. So, needless to say, I was disappointed.  It was at Lindt Chocolate in the new outlet mall that was built in Milton, right by the highway. The store would have opened August 2nd, which was my son's 5th birthday. The work situation has been weighing on my mind a lot, maybe because I feel guilty and I fear that with my kids getting older, I need to be a good role model for them.  However, I have been babysitting this summer and my son gets a play date as well.  So, after much discussion with my husband, I have decided to take one more year off, but I have gotten a few more children in to babysit. I do love being at home.  This summer we did quite a few activities with the children.  Some of the activities are shown below:

I traced the boys on some paper.  The boys then drew where their heart is, eye's, ears, mouth, hair and whatever else they wanted to add.  They really enjoyed this project.  This was a favourite for this age group.

Another activity was using duck tape and card board box.  They cut the box anyway they wanted and we covered it in duck tape to make something useful.  In this case we made a school supplies box and filled it with crayons and pencil crayons.  It was a fairly simply activity.  it seemed fitting that they are going into sk.

Another project, I had them do was to take a fly squatter and cut a square right in the middle and I called it a "word finder".  I then made cut outs of words ending in "at" "ed" "in" etc and placed them around the house and they had to find the words that I called out.  This was done in preparation for the school year.

So, needless to say, we did a few great activities and some activities, I can not find the pictures for.  So, I am excited to start babysitting an infant for this following school year. While Sonja is getting into painting and drawing and feeling things and touching, so lots of activities with playdoh, it will be interesting to see where the 12 month old that I will start sitting for will be at.  Sonja is 17 months and I forget some of her mile stones.  It happened all so fast and I was also paying attention to Markus's schooling and getting him everything he needs.

Now, here are some pictures of the activities we did has a family this summer:

African Lions Safari.

For Markus's Birthday, instead of having a party this year, he was able to choose one friend that we would take to Legoland with us.  I have never seen him so excited.  The following week we went to Niagara falls, when his party would have been.  I did have a party but I cancelled last minute and decided this is what we would do instead because Markus seemed more keen on this idea then a outside bbq at our place. I also felt very tired this year. So, on the day his party would have been, we went to Niagara falls and he had an amazing time.  Sonja also loved it and was fascinated with the falls, although she cried on Maid of the Mist because there were too many people and she did not like getting wet.

Now, as the end of the summer is gearing down.  Markus spent the last two weeks in camp.  Starting August 12th, he went to soccer camp and the following week he went to Kindercamp, which he enjoyed more.  He got to do a lot of dressing up and this continued when he got home.  He loves dressing up and same with our daughter.  In the morning's while he was gone, it gave me more time with just Sonja.  Here are some pictures of the boys dressing up.

My mom made the capes for his birthday.  Sonja has claimed the superman cape as her own and Markus has claimed the batman cape.

This past week end, we went camping for the first time, only for one night and it was 20 minutes away from our home.  It was a lot of work for one night, so next summer when we go, it will be for a full week end, otherwise it is not worth it.  The kids loved it and did not want to come home. So, we will take this has a sign that we need to plan a camping trip and it is actually a cheap travel experience. Well, you have to buy the camping gear and food etc. 

As the summer is winding down, I have my kids practicing letter writing, drawing and following instructions.  

This is a pretty long post, but there is so much to tell, so many pictures and I feel so lucky that I am able to spend this time with my kids. I will try to start posting more activities that I do with the kids, especially if they enjoyed them and learned something from them.

Happy 5th wedding Anniversary!

Five years ago today, Tom and I said "I do" at City Hall in Kitchener, in front of our eighteen guests.  My dad was there looking proud and my twin sister was there holding up the phone, so that mom could hear the service from Germany.  It was a nice sunny day, unlike today, where it is grey and raining.  It is hard to believe that now, we have a nearly five year old boy and a thirteen month old daughter and I feel overwhelmingly content with this family we have created together. 
We worked hard for it, admittedly so, we had a tough first year.  Four months after our wedding, I gave birth to Markus, the love of my life.  My mom lived in Germany and my Yoshe, my twin lived in Vancouver.  She had taken a year of absence from teaching to go with her husband to Vancouver for work.  I had a lot of conflict with Tom's parents and I felt all alone.  It was my first year not working.  Tom and I went to lots of counselling. I went to teachers college and struggled.  I got pregnant shortly afterwards.  My dad was hit by a van and in ICU, where he died, after we had moved to Milton to be closer to him and shortly after that, I gave birth to the most precious girl I had ever seen in my life.  This time, my mom and my sister and my husband were right by my side holding my hand.

Memories...Amidst this feeling of bliss and bewilderment that we have come so far, I know this week there has been a lot of tragedy and suffering in the world.  There were two bombs that went off at the Boston Marathon, shortly after 2pm.  I right away called a good friend that lives there, that I knew from high school.  She was covering it on the news.  She sounded just as shocked as I was, but I was glad to hear her voice and see that she was at work and that her husband and daughter were okay.  Three people lost their lives in the explosion, including an 8 yr old.  Many people lost limbs and their lives will be forever changed.  On the same day, there was also an explosion in Iraq and Syria, where many people lost their lives.  The next day, there was another explosion in Waco, Texas.  I have asked myself the question all week, why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?
I think that it could have been anyone and why would someone want to kill a mass of people? what kind of statement were these criminals trying to make?  Obama called it "an act of terrorism".  It makes me shutter with dread, I don't want to go to any large events anymore.  What should have been a glorious and triumphant time for the people at the marathon turned into a day of doom and gloom, caused by someone who is a stranger.  Someone who had no regard for human life and yet we are all the same.

Tonight, Tom and I and the kids will go out to dinner and just be thankful that we have each other and that we are still going strong together.  I love Tom more and more every day and in moments such as these tragedies, it brings a sense of community and shows our true nature of how human we can be, families pulled together, strangers rushed to help victims and the essence of our humaness was revealed. The only real message I have is: LOVE. Be thankful for everyone in your life, even those that drive you crazy, because those are the people that challenge you the most and shape your experiences and who you are.  I love my family, that is all.

Imaginitive play

Markus is a very active, creative and funny (oh so funny) kid.  I look at him and think how lucky I am to have such a wonderful boy.  I can't believe at times, his father and I made this boy who has a completely different personality than his dad and myself.  He may have the best parts of both of us. 
Markus will sometimes tell us he is pretending to be sonic, which means faster than the speed of light.  Then he will run back and fourth in our long hallway.  Even when we tell him to do something, he can completely tune us out and do his own thing.  These qualities that I love about him, also can be difficult when trying to get him to focus on a task at hand.  As a stay at home mom, I sometimes, wish that I had other moms to share stories with and get some normalcy in my life.  Perhaps, someone who can relate and tell me that their son does the same thing.  If anything, I think it is wonderful that Markus can go to any kid on the park and introduce himself as "batman" or "spiderman". Yet, my MIL expressed to me some embarrassment when they go to the park and she said the other kids look at him like he is weird, but the older kids are more understanding.  I became very defensive because, first of all, he is a creative kid.  Secondly, I look at is as being the other kids problem because they are just not that creative or they do not know how to play.  Some parents have their kids so busy all the time, that they forget what unstructured play is like, if they have ever had it. Yoshe, my twin sister, an elementary school teacher can go to the park with him and if other kids find it odd, my sister starts to interact with Markus in a very elaborate voice in front of the other children.  Yoshe becomes very animated and shows such charisma, that the other children start to play along and they just needed some help from an adult.  Someone to say, it is okay, we are safe and we just want to play.  But, with my MIL, she is not around kids a lot and does not have the same child like enthusiasm, my twin has.  Admittedly so, I am jealous and wish I had the same positive character and love of life that she has.  She can remain optimistic, even with having basal cell carcinoma.  I will write more about that later, because it is just another worry, but I am there to support my sister in any way I can.
This post is about my 4 yr old son, the most imaginative and creative boy I know.  It begs the question, what is his behavior like at school? would his teachers let me know if there were any problems in his social development? Simply put, is he making friends okay? Does he get along with others? What can I do as a parent to help?
Overall, I have no worries about him.  Most of my worries are about other kids with him.  Markus is such a sweet kid, great with his little sister and not a mean kid.  If there is anything I can say about it, I can' emphasize enough, how he is not a mean kid.  He doesn't have it in him, like some children whose behavior needs to be corrected.  I have seen children not so nice, but they are just children, it could be they have older siblings or their parents speak a certain way to them.  It just needs to be corrected...Oh no, I realize that re-reading this post, I sound like a am a helicopter mom that worries way too much and by all means I don't want to sound like my boy is so great in comparison to anyone else.  If that is what people hear, I am making myself misunderstood.  I was angry at my MIL for not understanding the play of a 4 yr old and for making me doubt a little bit if Markus is any different from other 4 yr old's. I know my son and I love him just the way he is, a friendly, charismatic and high energy kid, just like his crazy aunt Yoshe.  That ain't bad.  I count my blessings every day that I have two healthy and happy kids. It's crazy, how I look at Markus and think he is nothing like me when I was a child.  I was shy and awkward and he is anything but shy.  But, I will save that for another post.

Sonja's birthday

Sonja turned one on March 1st.  We celebrated it on Saturday March 2.  It was a small get together with just family and that included my brother in laws parents as well.  Sonja didn't know what to expect.  It was a lot of attention.  At one point I felt sick and dizzy, so I went upstairs and my sister and mother in law held the fort.  We ate chilli in chiabatta bread and salad.  I also made a hello kitty cake. Here are just a few pictures.

It's okay for kids to be bored.

Lately, I have worried about how many friends my son should have at his age.  I also worry with my daughter, Sonja walking now at 12 months and paying attention to everything, that perhaps I should make some play dates for her.  I have checked meet up websites for groups in the area.  But, all the groups are in Oakville, Burlington and Hamilton, Toronto.  I do not have a car most of the time and buses in Milton come once every hour if that and take forever to get anywhere.  I guess there is not a big need for public transportation in Milton.  With all my worries about friendships and my kids getting bored, I was glad to come across an article that was sent to my facebook from the MCRC, that experts say that boredom is good for kids.  Out of boredom, comes creativity.  Kids have to learn how to entertain themselves at times.  We choose the t.v, phones, ipads, video games by default.  But, if those things are not available, kids may surprise you and come up with something on their own to keep them busy.  I was shocked when Markus asked me to paint yesterday.  Of course, it lasted all of 5 minutes and set up was 15 minutes, but I am glad he asked.  It let me know that he is able to hold a paint brush. I love art, especially acrylic on canvas.  So, I have been trying to get him to do art projects since he was 12 months and he never seemed interested.  Sonja, on the other hand, loves painting.  I can give her a paint brush and she knows right away, it does not go in her mouth but on the paper.  For her, she lasted about 10 minutes before paint started to go on the table, floors and chairs and her clothes.
I went off topic a little bit, but I started to wonder: what is this obsession parents have with keeping their kids busy all the time, through programs such as sports, music, dance, drama, camps etc? which all cost a lot of money.  Some can not even afford it.  I understand swimming lessons because it is a safety issue.  Providing kids with a lot of opportunities to be a part of a social setting is also very important for social development and motor skills.  But, why do parents feel that their child has to be ahead of everyone else?  Why does one parents child need to be able to count to 100 or ride a two wheeler at the age of 4, when most 4 yr olds ride three wheelers or can only count to 20 or 30? While all of this is important for child development, I think kids need down time as well, to sit and do nothing.  The article, made me feel a lot better has a parent and made me think that I worry too much.  My son is getting older, he will make his own friends soon enough and we have a park right outside.  The weather has been awful and so everyone has been stuck inside, but with spring coming, I am sure he will meet a lot of new kids and see many old faces from last summer again.  I can't protect my son or daughter from rejection or hurt and I can only try to fight bullying, if it happens to them.  I guess I worry because I project my own feelings from when I was a child.  I was bullied a lot at school.  I never realized how much it would all come back to me, once my kids started going to school.  My bullying started, when we moved to another school in grade 3.  We lived in a lower income area and kids were just not very friendly.  We went to Trillium public school and it is a poorly rated school.  So, my kids are not me, they have different parents, different experiences already and my kids have a lot more than I have ever had.  So my husband assures me that we are doing fine and our kids are doing fine.
So, I may be a little scattered in my thoughts, but I am just writing to get everything out.  The main worry for me is friendships and how many friends 4 yr olds should have and bullying, which many parents worry about once their children start school.
Already, I look at Markus and Sonja and think they are beautiful and doing fine, why am I worrying.  Markus can go up to anyone and start talking and if they do not talk back, he does not take it personally, he goes on to the next kid, until eventually he will find someone that will be more than happy to play with him.  Sonja started walking at 11 months and is always smiling and following her brother around and paying attention to everything.  She waves and hugs and kisses and gives high fives.  What more could I ask for.  As a parent, I need to just go along with their growing and developing personalities and if they fall, let them know I am always here to help and stand by them no matter what.  I don't think my parents worried about my sister and I as much as my generation now worry about their kids.  When I was Markus's age, I was going with my sister alone to the park.  I was walking to kindergarten and back, it was 5 minutes away.  But, today, the world we grew up in is much different.  Parents worry about child abductions.  So, parents are more a step behind their kids today than when I was a kid.  My husband took two buses and a subway all by himself to get to grade 1, a private school in Montreal.  Today, I would not imagine letting Markus do that.  Tom's parents kick themselves and can't believe they let him do that back then.  So, with newer technology and the world changing, I don't think it is a safer world.  With the internet, it just means another thing for parents to worry about so bullying can't happen online.  So, it may not have been safer back then either but it was perceived that way because we didn't have the internet to worry about or cell phones etc.
Okay, I have rambled on about a lot of things in one post.  it is enough to make anyone's head spin, so I will stop writing and just say, that it is okay to do nothing with your kids and enjoy them as they are and in the moment.