Grieving

December 5th, 2011, at 7pm, my dad was crossing the street on a motorized scooter at the corner of River and Ottawa in Kitchener Ontario. He was almost half way across the street when he was struck by a speeding van and he was flung from his scooter. The weather was bad, it was the first snow fall of the year. My dad had broken ribs and one rib punctured his lung. He was put on a respirator and put into induced coma right away so he would not feel pain. He died on January 31'st, after we were given hope that he would make it but would be paralyzed for life. Feb 6th was the funeral. Feb 17th, my mom came from Germany to help us out with cleaning dad's apartment, life insurance and his banking information as she is the power of attorney, although they have been separated since 2001, they remained friends. On March 1st, my daughter Sonja was born and I wish could have stuck around long enough to meet her. Those dates run through my head constantly, like a round-a-bout. Nothing I do, can take away this painful feeling and deep sense of loss, almost in a denial, I wish I could rewind that tragic night so this would not have happened. I keep playing "what if's...." in my mind. What if I would have called him like I had planned so that I could have delayed him by a few minutes from going out at that time. What if, I had of answered his call when he called me.

My son asked "mommy, why are you crying?". I told him "remember how I said Grandpa was sick? Well, he died. Remember, in the Lion King when Simba lost his daddy? Well, I lost mine. He was hit by a car and died". Markus looked at daddy and said "is daddy sorry?" his dad smiled and defensively said "I didn't do it!" We all laughed. But, a few times, Markus has asked where Grandpa is. It makes me tear up every time. My dad would have been happy to see that he will be missed and is loved. I just wish he could have met Sonja. I know he would have fallen in love with her.

My husband has been very supportive during the time it was going on with all the driving to and from Kitchener, taking time off work, talking to people over the phone when I couldn't. But now, nearly 2 months have passed and he doesn't know what to do, I think he wants me to live in the now and move forward. It is hard for me to do, when I so desperately want to go back to that night. The guilt is killing me and I hate myself for not calling him that night, for not telling him things I should have told him, such as how much I loved him and how much I owe my good childhood to him as a father. How much I know he loved us as well. He never complained about his situation or circumstance, although he had bad arthritis and was in constant pain.

I wish my children could have known him. I am being distracted again by my son. So, I will wrap it up and say that I miss him and I loved him.