Life and Times

Markus's birthday on sunday turned out well considering.....Markus played all day in the yard and never had a nap. Andra and Ulf cancelled because Connor got sick. It was just my dad, sister and Roger. Tom's dad sat at the other end of the garden and did not talk to my sister at all and did not make the first move to talk to my dad and make them feel welcome. My dad went up to him. Monica, the sister wanted Tom to take pictures of her for a website. I think she could have chosen another time to do it. She did not make an effort either. My dad said in the car that if Tom's dad is harbouring bad feelings towards Yoshe, my sister from more than a year ago, then we should feel sorry for him because he is a very sad person. I love my dad. He always had a way of making us feel better in the moment with just a few words. My dad said that he made the first move to talk to him because at the end of the day he is a happy person. A good day for him is if he gets out, gets some free and good food and gets to spend time with family, then it's a good day and how other people feel toward him does not matter at the end of the day. This is coming from a man who's wife left him, he lives in a small apartment on disability and is in constant pain. Yet, he can look at other people and always see things from their side and not talk bad about them. Tom's dad talks bad about people a lot of the time. He is a mean person.

Tom's mom Krystina tried, she spent time with us and she really tried to be there for us. It does not make me feel good that I will be leaving Markus with Tom and his sister. I hate that his sister is moving in because I don't particularly like her. I find her to be a young 24 yr old who is the most selfish person I have ever met. It is hard when you do not get a long with the family in law. It does affect the relationship with Tom. He and his family have lived an isolated life, where they preached how important family is. Yet, they can't let go of him and he can't let go of them but he is trying with me. I woke up this morning, thinking about this in my head and it goes in a circle racing round and round like a spinning wheel in my head and it drives me crazy. Tom's family was rude on sunday and I know I get along with my sister's husbands family very well. Roger, my brother in law, his family have been very good to me when I was pregnant and with Markus after he was born. My own in laws want nothing to do with my side of the family. They hurt me a lot. Now, the relationship is tainted. It makes me sick that Tom and I have gone to counselling for over a year and it is to talk about how his family is ruining our relationship because his dad and mom give unasked for advice, we see them once ever week end or second week end and his dad is a bit of a bully.

I wished my mom could have been here for Markus's second birthday. I love my son so much and to think that that family that I married into unfortunately could have an influence over him bothers me. I do have to let go a bit myself. He is my son and nothing will change that.

Another disappointment came yesterday, when the mother of the kids I sit for called and said that the kids will no longer be coming and she will pay me today. I was hoping that I could give the kids cake today and hamburgers and so something nice with them so that they can celebrate Markus's birthday as well. I would have liked the chance to say good bye. I did not even get that. They are going to their cousins today and from now on. I would have liked Markus to have been able to say good bye. I don't know if Markus thinks that they are coming today. I don't know if Markus will internalize it. I tried to explain it to him last night. I do not even know what he remembers and how far back. I think that children are like dogs in a way, they expect something, they know something is not right. They look for patterns.

I am feeling down today, but my math course starts today and my tuition fees for the first term are due as well. I would also like to call Magda and see her. I have to try not to take things personally, but I am disappointed that after Magda came back from Poland she has not made an effort to see me and she has been back for almost two weeks. It just makes me insecure to leave Markus with her now.

I will call her and see if she is able to see me today.