We have told Tom's parents that I was planning on putting my son in daycare while I am in school. His father said that they would help me out with what ever I needed. His mom said in a sharp, disappointed tone that I would need a car and I will not be able to do this. We explained there is a daycare right on campus. She assumed that she would be taking him while I was in school and we could visit him on weekends. I was talking about this to my friend Heidi when we went to Port Dalhousie on Sunday for a get together with friends. It was a good way to end my friends trip here after her father died and they had to worry about funeral arrangements etc. So, to say good bye to everyone before she left to Boston and thank you for attending the funeral, her mom decided that we have a get together and meet in St Catherines at her mother's house. It was nice. In any case, Heidi said that it was strange that Tom's mom just assumed that Markus, my son would go with them. One should always assume that a child goes with the mother unless otherwise specifically stated by the parents to the grand parents. I have tried to get use to all the strange things his parents have done since Markus was born.
For example, on his first birthday, my sister bought him a wooden elephant with tamborines, that you push on a stick. After the party, Tom's father said "I am taking this away from him because I believe it is too dangerous". I have been angry at myself for that instance because I could not find my voice to argue against it even though I believed it was not dangerous. Now, I want it back and I have not seen it in a year. It should have been my decision and not theirs. So, there are a few mistakes I have made as well such as not being honest in my feelings and fighting the fight that most daughter in laws must fight. Another time, was when we came to pick Markus up from spending the night with them and Tom's mom answered in her bra and told me about how Markus was sucking and left red marks on her chest. I don't know what went on, she may have just wanted skin to skin contact with him. However, from a mother's perspective, that is strange and it is a bond between mother and child and that is it. I felt as if she was competing with me for his affection when she should be sharing it with me but leave the breast feeding bond to me, that is it. I was so furious, more than I had ever been. I gave her the meanest look and I think she got the message.
In any case, I have to stop obsessing about it, the past is the past and we can only learn from it. However, I can't help but feel angry because in the past, I have felt so helpless against them. Tom and I went to counselling yesterday, we discussed his parents and he admitted that his parents do interfere. He also acknowledged that his mother does make snarky, sharp toned comments, she has done it all his life and all that taught him to do was to get wittier with his come backs. I felt validated and that it was a break through because up until that point, I thought those sharp toned comments were only meant and done for me since I entered the family. Tom never mentioned that he deals with them to and he lets it rub off his back. Women and men are very different in how they take things. I have a hard time letting go and he does not communicate to me to tell me when something said has bothered him because it does not matter anymore. Where as I can't let go. He said to the counsellor that if you have lived with it all your life, you become desensitized and it no longer has an impact.
I have to focus on more positive things such as teacher's college, getting a job, creating a more financially stable future for my son and the possibility of having another child once I have a job and can go on maternity again and have a job I can come back to. My sister is having her baby in December and Roger will be in teacher's college as well. There are a lot of good things going on right now. Roger and Yoshe are in their new house and we may sell this condo and buy house after I am done teacher's college and have a stable job somewhat. So, that is all that matters right now. The question still remains: How do I unscramble the mess in my brain to get my thoughts more organized and not let things bother me so much? I am working on it is all I can say.
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